Be Careful What You Ask For...

Now here's a novel idea...how 'bout I give you a bunch of recipes recently requested with out all the blathering that usually comes with just one?  Done.  But just so you know, I can tell which posts get the most hits, so if it's this one I will be devastated and probably fall into a deep depression, never cooking anything again that doesn't come in a waxy box that contains the words "peel back the foil from the brownie".  Then you'll be sorry....

Dilly Beans

Marie, this one is for you...actually for Matthew.  We love dilly beans, and I have to hide them because the kids will come up with vodka and spicy bloody mary mix and just pour it straight into a quart jar of them that they drained the brine out of.  They are a little crunchy, nice and dilly, and the more red peppers you put in, the less of the spicy bloody mary mix you need....super simple to make too!

This recipe is for 5 quarts because I threw away my canner and have to use a stock pot to can in....only 5 jars will fit and I have to put extra rings on the bottom for a rack.  Anyone have an old canner they want to get rid of?




5 lbs fresh green beans, washed and stem end snapped off (we like the pointy end)
5-10 cloves of garlic, peeled
5-10 dried red chili peppers (or more...)
5-10 heads dill
5 C. vinegar
5 C. water
1/4 C. salt

Bring your canner or large stock pot a bit more than half full of water to a boil while you prep the jars.  Bring the vinegar, water and salt to a boil in another pan, keep simmering.  In each sterile wide mouth quart jar, put one or two each garlic cloves, peppers and dill heads, then fill with beans, pointy end down.  Pack em in, turn the jar sideways and find holes to push more in until it's nice and tight.  Stand up the jar, and use scissors (I have itty bitty ones) to snip off anything that extends past the jar collar.  Trust me...it's the fastest way.  Fill all 5 jars, then carefully pour the boiling vinegar mixture to fill each one 1/2" from the top.  Run a knife down the insides of the jar to release air bubbles (I didn't do this because I forgot, and only blew the bottom off one jar...whatev), then wipe the top edge with a clean cloth, then put your sterile lid and ring on each jar, tightening the ring firmly.  Handsome Stranger said the one lid that got crinkled was because I made the ring too tight...I put him in a headlock and he said he was just kidding, it was probly just a defective lid.  Put jars carefully into the canner of boiling water, add more if they don't have at least an inch over the top of them, then put the lid on and bring to a boil.  Process for 10 minutes at a full boil, then remove from canner and let cool.  Any lid that doesn't seal gets stored in the fridge unless you like to froth at the mouth.

Here's one for several people who asked after seeing a pic on facebook....I posted the recipe there too, but I have trouble finding recipes people post there, it's like writing one down on the back of an envelope, then trying to find it when you don't a. file paperwork more than once a year, and b. like to mix your recipes in with your paperwork.  This way you can say "Man, I wish I had some of those bitchin brownies", which will remind you of bitchinvittles, and voila!

I made these after someone posted the recipe, then posted my own pix and promptly got two requests.  I bet at least 3 people have lick marks on their computer or smart phone....

Mortal Sins (Peanut butter brownies)

Because once you have one under your belt, there's nowhere to go but down....

1 box brownie mix...or make your own, I do not care
1/2 C. butter
1 C. peanut butter
2 C. powdered sugar
1 C. chocolate chips
1 T. butter

Bake the brownies according to directions in a 9x13 pan, let cool completely.  Beat butter, peanut butter and powdered sugar until fluffy...try not to eat half of it before you spread it on the brownies evenly.  Refrigerate one hour, then melt the butter, stir in the chocolate chips, and microwave one minute (or 30 seconds at a time), then stir until melted and smooth.  Spread carefully over peanutbutter frosting and put in fridge for another hour to set.  Cut into squares and be prepared....you will not be able to stop at one.  No one has so far....OMG these are too easy to be this damn good!  Only thing I thought might improve them is to double the peanutbutter filling....but then you could also skip the bottom and top and just make a bowl of the frosting and be done with it.  But we live in a civilized world, so if you do don't tell anyone.

And last but not least - made these after someone posted THIS recipe on fb, and brought them to work.  Request, request, request...

Sticky Pecan Baby Buns

Hahaha...I made that name up and it makes me laugh even though I'm sure it will disgust some of you, but probably only the ones who didn't get to eat one.  I made them in muffin tins and ended up with a lot of leftover cake batter, but you could also make this in two round cake pans to make things easy on yourself when you tip them out of the pan...did I say tip?  I meant scrape, cajole, crowbar...pay attention to the end unless you want to curse like I did.

2/3 C. packed brown sugar
1/2 C. butter
1/3 C. honey
1.5 C. pecans, coarsley chopped

2.5 C. flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
3 eggs
2 C. sugar
1 C. vegetable oil
1 C. sour cream
2 tsp. vanilla

Preheat oven to 350.  Grease 24 muffin tins with crisco...don't skimp.  In medium saucepan, heat brown sugar, butter and honey, stirring until melted and smooth, about 2 minutes.  Stir in pecans and set aside.  In medium bowl, stir flour, baking powder and soda, salt and set aside.

In large bowl beat eggs and sugar about 3 minutes until thick and lemon colored.  Add oil, sour cream and vanilla, beat until combined.  Gradually add dry ingredients and beat until combined, scraping bowl.

Put 1 heaping T. of pecan mixture in bottom of each muffin tin, spreading it out a bit with the back of the spoon.  Put about 1/4 C. of the cake mix on top of the pecans, then bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.  Cool on rack for FIVE MINUTES ONLY, loosening sides of cakes while it cools, using a sharp knife if need be.  Put rack on TOP of cakes upside down, then holding both together, flip pan over and smack the rack/pan on the counter once or twice for good measure.  Lift off the muffin tin and hopefully all the cakes fell out....if not loosen any "klingons" and then scrape out any excess pecan and put back on the cake it came off of.  You may want to stagger baking the two pans so you don't let one sit too long like I did...saves on confession for saying very bad words.  Let cool a bit, because that topping is about the same temp as what comes out of an old school glue gun...and your lips will look funny with bandaids covering the missing skin.

These are wicked good warm, kind of remind me of the flavor of baklava without the excessive sweetness...and you can smell the butter a mile away.  The cake is amazingly soft, rich and delicious...use the rest to make some cupcakes and you will not be unhappy you had extra.  And if you don't want to mess with cupcake tins, use two round cake pans, increase the cooking time 5-10 minutes, and just cut them into wedges when they cool...all comes out the same, right?

There you go....no muss, no fuss and no warm and engaging stories with a positive and uplifing moral that will just get in the way of you making these delightful recipes and committing the sin of gluttony.  I hope you enjoy yourself.  Hmpf.

The View From my Park Bench

Hello again!  Wow...even I'm surprised at how long it's been, and I'm fully aware of the lengths my procrastination will go - I think I still have elementary report cards to sign and return and my baby just turned 26.  Stuff be happenin' tho - Son #1 and the lovely "Someday Daughter-in-Law" are now officially engaged...YESSSSS!!!  Now comes wedding prep and I"m sure she will turn into the T-Rex of Bridezillas...she just has that look about her and I just KNOW she's going to come up with some heinous dresses for her attendants, giant bows on the butt, possibly in Pepto Pink and topped off with a fruited hat of some sort.  It will look ridiculous on her maid of honor Daisy the cat, but she will wear it with tail held high because she's a class act.  Just not sure how they're going to get suspenders on best man George...he's not going to like wearing pants.  All kidding aside, we are thrilled and can't wait to see what they have in store for everyone...whatever it is it will be EPIC!!

Spent the summer chasing my tail at work, and cleaning up the woods after last year's drop em and leave em action....Handsome Stranger and I pinky swore that we will NEVER drop another tree without completely cleaning it up promptly thereafter.  It looked like the aftermath of a game of pick up sticks played by Paul Bunyan out there, but it is now mostly back in order save for the numerous piles of tree debris we are waiting for it to be wet enough to never catch on fire without copious amounts of gasoline.  Looks great and we have enough firewood neatly stacked to not pull out a chainsaw for another 5 years!

We ended our first and only week of vacation this summer with a lovely wine tasting at Ardiri Vineyards, which was catered by a local company of whose delicious work I have always admired - there we leftovers aplenty, and since I had committed MANY violations of the WW handbook in brewpub city Oregon, availed myself of a plateful of the roasted veggies and a few curried chicken skewers to take home for lunch the next day.  Once home, I thought how good they would be in a pasta salad, so I chopped them all up, added some rotini and a skosh of pine nuts and whipped up a very light dressing and blew my own mind - not only was it the best pasta salad I've ever had, it was also only 8 points plus for 2 cups of it!  I had such a nice lunch yesterday...sat on a park bench, took off my shoes and socks and rolled up my jeans and enjoyed all the flavors of summer - dropped a precious rotini and, if I could have found it, would have picked it up and eaten it...I think some hyper ants must have seen their chance and zipped off with it for an impromptu orgy of deliciousness.  Go ants!

So here is a somewhat laid back recipe for this wonderful dish - you can use whatever veggies you have on hand, I was sad that there were mushroom hogs at the party so I didn't have any of those in it, but you gotta go with what you got.  And when you eat it, you can take off your socks and shoes and roll up your pants...just not if you're at my son's wedding.

Tuscan Pasta Salad

Uhhhh...yeah.  Tuscan is just a hot button word that makes people think you're fancy and know something about Mediterranean food - in my mind it just means you watched that movie and got a little too much Tuscan Sun. Actually, it has pasta, vegetables, olive oil and balsamic, all of which are liberally used in Tuscany, so there.

2 C. uncooked rotini (or whatever pasta floats your boat)

6 chicken tenders or 1 chicken breast, fileted

Yellow curry (turmeric)

Olive oil or spray

Red bell pepper

Yellow squash

Zucchini

1 Cup grape tomatoes

12 teeny tiny squashes that look like flying saucers (Costco)

8 asparagus spears

1 T and 1 tsp. olive oil

1 T and 1 tsp. white balsamic vinegar

1 tsp. honey mustard (any kind of mustard but yellow will do, just add a little sugar if it's not sweet)

2 pinches of sugar

Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

1/4 C. pine nuts

Cook the pasta in plenty of salted boiling water about 2 minutes past what the cooking time says (pasta for salad should not be al dente), immediately rinse with cold water until no longer warm, drain well and put in large bowl.  Sprinkle chicken with curry and a little salt, grill or broil until done, let cool and cut into bite size pieces and throw in the bowl.  Cut pepper, yellow squash and zucchini into strips, teeny squash into halves, spray or coat with olive oil and grill or broil until it starts to char a bit - remove from heat and splash with a bit of balsamic vinegar.  Cut into bite size pieces and toss in bowl.  Add dressing ingredients and toss until well coated, add pine nuts and you're good to go.  

You could add cheese if you like....I think feta would be nice in this, I just didn't have any, also black olives because I love them....pasta salad for me tends to be a way to use up little bits of leftovers, so whatever you have lurking in the fridge and you don't have to wrestle it into the bowl is good.  Now I need to get ready for the first real work day since I went on vacation - my email inbox is going to be more full of crap than this recipe, so I may have to go back to the park bench for lunch....if you see me chained to it with handcuffs, please do not try and find a key, I did it myself.

On Your Skid Mark....

I love to drive fast - always have and I blame my parents.  They didn't speed everywhere, but never believed in wasting perfectly good forward momentum...they would race to a red light or stop sign and brake at the last second, and I don't think we ever realized that wasn't what normal people do until we had been driving on our own and got back into the car with one of them, muffling a high-pitched scream at the first couple stops.  Handsome Strangers finger impressions were forever imbedded in our car dashboards early in our marriage - he still is not entirely comfortable with my driving style, but I like to point out to him that he's had several "Make your mother go gray in an instant" vehicular incidents that he should never have walked away from unscathed while I have had nothing but a couple minor fender benders.  Except the head on with my neighbor on the driveway quite a few years ago which my insurance company deemed 100% her fault because she was on the wrong side of the road on a blind corner.  And I still went to work that morning, and did not total a car AND a combine at the same time.

Poor people have limited options for vehicles, so we drove a motley collection back in the day - one of my best finds combing the local paper's "Auto's for Sale" ads was HS's prized 68 RS Camaro for $500...it was a giant POS, which now we call a "project car", but at the time we had nothing else so he made it run and I drove it.  Rough and with more than a few safety issues (Fred Flinstone holes rusted in the floor), that sucker FLEW and I was more than happy to take it down the local runway, even with kids strapped in car seats in the back.  Yeah, I know....but back then we did a lot of stupid things we weren't informed by every billboard, newspaper and fb article would kill us.  And I should be driving Nascar anyway - if you question that just try to keep up with me on my way to work in the morning.

One of the items on the "Needs fixin/can't afford it" was a broken motor mount.  You had to be careful and feather the gas when starting out, or the forward momentum of the car would cause the engine to lift, which caused the throttle spring to stretch waaaaaay out, sucking the gas pedal to the floor and sending you on your merry way like a rocket ship on crack.  I was quite pregnant with Son #2, and I believe both of the other kids were strapped in the back while we sat in the local gas station getting $5 worth of gas I had to dig under the seats and scrape green pennies out of the console to afford.  I paid for my gas, started her up and lightly tapped on the gas.  Did I mention this procedure was touchy?  The gas  station I was at used to sell milk in bottles....it had a covered pump area with a brick building on one side, and had a carwash directly behind it.  To exit you had to creep around a one lane alley between the building and the carwash, and when she took off that day, all I could do was hang on, crank the wheel, and say a prayer in that nano second that no one was on the other side of that building.

I cut a perfect cookie from the pump to the other side of the building, and was standing on the brake with both feet and my butt off the seat (no mean feat when you're 8 months pregnant) when the motor finally dropped and she stopped.  I still don't know why I didn't wet my pants, but could not speak for a moment when the attendant who had pumped my gas ran up to my window with eyes as big as hubcaps and yelled "Are you OKAY??!!"....I was still trying to remember how to breathe.  There was a perfect "C" of rubber on the blacktop at that gas station for a long time....and SOMEONE got his arse handed to him on a platter with still shaking hands when he got home from work that day.  The kids were totally unfazed...they probably just thought they were riding with Grandma.

Speaking of cookies, I have not posted for so long I figured I would throw you a bone and give you one that is naughty and delicious with no regard for calories/points/the way your pants fit for the next week or so until you eat lettuce for a couple days and work out every minute you're not sleeping/working/driving.  Yes, they are that good...but be careful, right out of the oven they will hurt you if you aren't VERY careful...molten caramel will do that.  As will a broken motor mount...

Rolo Cookies

Found this in a search for some different Christmas cookies...but it's not really holiday-ish, just decadent and special.  They are also quite huge...the other day I saw a bag of mini Rolos and think I DID wet my pants thinking about making these baby sized - but regardless, they are totally worth having to peel the foil off a whole bag of Rolos.

1 C. sugar
1 C. brown sugar
1 C. butter
2 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. baking soda
2-1/2 C. flour
3/4 C. cocoa (I, of course, use my lovely dark cocoa)
13 oz. bag Rolos, unwrapped (DANGER...)
Sugar for rolling

Blend sugars and butter until fluffy, add eggs and vanilla and blend well.  Beat in dry ingredients until a soft dough forms.  You can use two cookie scoops of this dough, press one flat, put a Rolo on it and then press the other on top, sealing the edges of the top and bottom dough pieces around the Rolo.  Roll in sugar and put on cookie sheet, leaving LOTS of room - 6 per pan because they spread out to be pretty large, and will be fairly flat when baked.  Bake at 375 for 7-10 minutes...just check the divots in the middle to make sure they don't look too wet.  Let them cool a couple minutes, then CAREFULLY remove them to a rack - if they break they will make a mess, and you will probably wonder how sanitary it is to be licking caramel off the counter/stove/floor/your slippers.  And they really will burn you if you eat them too soon...BE CAREFUL!  Still warm the caramel still oozes a bit, and even stone cold it has a soft and chewy quality inside an intensely chocolatey and fudgy shell - they are TRULY spectacular!

Enjoy, and don't say I didn't warn you - eat too many and you won't be able to squeeze into the Hershey's Rolo pace car for the Indy 500 lbs.  And be careful out there; you never know when a crazy preggo is gonna come flying outta nowhere to leave skid marks across your spare tire.

3 cheers for OCD!

The compulsion to seek perfection is my downfall...pride goeth before the fall was a lesson taught often in my childhood, always with St. Michael the Archangel as the example of what to strive for.  God created the heavens and the earth, angels and even more important archangels, but He gave them free will just like us.  Apparently God also made them so cool they thought maybe they were better than Him, so the most beautiful of them, Lucifer, gathered an army of other archangels and tried to take over Heaven.  Michael was the archangel that led the battle and drove them out of Heaven and into hell...and Lucifer has been peeved ever since and spends all his time sulking and trying to mess with us.  This is a good thing to remind myself when I'm obsessed with something that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things - we're only talking about hummus for crying out loud.

I posted a recipe a long time ago for hummus, and thought it was excellent, best I ever tasted.  I was woefully ignorant and unschooled as I found out recently.  Went to a Greek restaurant...more like a cafeteria really, and ordered a hummus plate for everyone to share while we waited for our lunch.  BLEW ME AWAY.  How they achieved a texture so silky, void of odd aftertaste, and fruity, yet full-bodied explosion of flavor I do not know...and the dude running the place was not willing to give up a clue to his methods.  Others have also tried and failed...the only nugget learned so far is "the secret is very good olive oil".  Pfft....that isn't the whole story by a long shot.  So to the Google I went, researching my fingers to the bone and learning that everyone and his dog has a recipe for hummus.  Sigh...I had my work cut out for me.

One lead took me to SW Portland, just a hop, skip and a jump from the house I grew up in just outside of Multnomah Village.  In the building that used to be the Piggly Wiggly, where my mom and Uncle Bob worked as meat packer and butcher, was Barbur World Foods.  They specialize in Middle Eastern fare, including a lengthy deli case filled with Greek delights and an oven you could order a freshly baked pita from on the spot.  The hummus there was highly regarded, and rightly so - nothing to muck it up, just pure and simple flavors, and only 4.99 a lb...DANG that's cheap!  I asked a couple questions, and found that they cook their own beans daily, and use a particular brand of hummus - took home a tub of already made plus all needed ingredients and experimented until the house was filled with the music of the legume....I really need to buy some more Yankee Candles.

Several blogs and columns mentioned that skinning the beans would make the end product smoother, so after some trial and error, I found that it only took a little more prep - a big fluffy towel is the key.  Good olive oil is also important...the light stuff I always use is not nearly as good, and doesn't have that fruity flavor the good stuff imparts.  FRESH lemon juice...I will never make it with bottled again, and a good quality tahini and you're almost there.  I hear you can use a blender, but a food processor will be your friend unless you have a fancy blender - I would love to know how it compares, but mine is not so much so my Cuisinart rules.

End result?  One friend tried mine, then that restaurant's and proclaimed mine better...I still think theirs is better, but I'm hyper-critical of myself and cheap to boot so I'm not a good judge.  I hate to say it, but try Gyro House on Baseline in Hillsboro, then this recipe and see what you think...I think they're both worth the effort and inevitable after-effects. And never forget, he who smelt it, dealt it.

Hummus Redux

3 C. dry garbanzo beans (fresher is better...go bulk or a specialty store because it's less likely they've been in that bag since 1983

Soak overnight, rinse and cover with fresh water (a couple inches above beans) and a pinch of salt, bring to boil and let simmer for an hour or more, adding water to keep it above the beans and testing until they are quite soft.  And yes, skim the gross foam off now and then.  Drain and rinse in colander, then pour out on a clean towel, folding over beans and rubbing them with towel until most of the skins are removed.  The hard part was figuring out how to separate them...dump all into a big bowl and cover with lots of cold water.  Stir with your hand in a circle, then as the skins come to the top of the beans and form a tornado, scoop them off and repeat until you've gotten as many as you can out of the bowl.  Drain beans again, set aside.

In large food processor, put the following:

1/3 C. GOOD olive oil...extra virgin, spend a little more and you'll be happier

Juice of one lemon, with a second standing by

1/4 C. GOOD tahini...DO NOT buy the kind in the can, it tastes burnt and bitter.  Look for a jar...

1 or more garlic cloves, or 1/2 tsp garlic granules...use what you like

1/2 tsp. kosher salt

Fresh ground pepper or 1/8 tsp. cayenne...your choice

Process until smooth and emulsified, then add 3 cups of the cooked, de-skinned beans and process.  (The rest of the beans can be stored in the fridge, covered with water, for a week, or in a ziploc bag in the freezer infefinitely) It will lump up, and look nasty, but keep it running and add 1/4 C. warm water.  It will smooth out and start to look less ragged...keep it running, and add more olive oil if it's too thick.  It should be soft, not clumpy - stop and taste so no one gets a piece of your finger in theirs, and add more salt/garlic/pepper/lemon/oil...whatever you think it needs.  I will use a full tsp of garlic granules, or 2-3 cloves, maybe a full tsp of kosher salt, and 1 to 1.5 lemons...I've even been known to add a bit more tahini, but whatever does it for you is good.  Just let it process while you clean up the kitchen and it will actually warm up and smooth out even more...you can't overprocess it.  

Presentation is key...you are supposed to put it on a plate, spread out and then starting at the center with the back of a spoon, start turning the plate and making a spiral in it to the outside...either that or 4 shallow depressions on top, then drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with a bit of paprika.  This new and improved recipe has knocked quite a few socks off, and HS has even said he LOVES it...and it had fresh garlic, unbeknownst to him.  It's good with pita, I love it with wheat pretzel braids, not bad with crudite, and has a delightful edge served directly into your mouth off your finger or the Cuisinart blade.  Thowwy...dithwegawd that wast thatement - I bwame luthifer.  Photo will be added at a later date...enjoy!

Ensconced in Red Velvet

Motivation?  HA.  Summer is about to expire, my new job is sucking the life out of me, and the last couple weeks have been a blur of "squeeze the last bits of fun out of vacation season", all of which has left me feeling like I was drug through a knothole backwards.  But I will not give in yet....my personal goal for this summer was to work up to bicycling the entire Banks-Vernonia Linear Trail and Handsome Stranger and I are going to attempt it this coming weekend.  No guts, no glory, and unless I get some of those padded bike shorts you will know exactly why I'm walking funny next week.

HS and I went on an impromptu road trip to San Francisco week before last, and had a wonderful time....I would like to say we relaxed, but I doubt it would hold up in court....but he did more than I because he has his Kindle Fire and will read anywhere.  Even when there is a beautiful swimming pool and spa next to him, mountain bikes begging to be ridden around Pickle Spit or into the charming little boho town of Mill Valley where he went in the summers to visit his Great Gramma Foster and look at the hippies in the town park, or even sitting in bed while his smokin hot wife lathers herself with aloe because she spent too much time in the pool/spa/biking in the California sun.  And I really MEAN smokin hot...ouch.  I am antsy, always gotta be doing something and can NOT waste time when enjoying my relaxation, dammit....too much like Mom.

Speaking of Mom, she turned 75 yesterday....we took her to dinner at a lovely brew pub in the area and had a really great time with 4 generations of the Swaja family there, probably much to the horror of the restaurant staff.  But they were good sports, no one got thrown out, and more importantly, Mom had a great time.  I could have bought a cake, but NO.....if I don't throw at least one roadblock in my own way for every event that comes down the pike you can bet I am an imposter and the real me is tied up in a closet somewhere, struggling mightily to free myself from the duct tape and dishtowel gag so I can get BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND FINISH FROSTING THE CUPCAKES.  I know I'm sick....

So after posting the pix of the glorious results of my OCD riddled existence, I received a fb message from my beautiful niece Belle in Texas for the recipe.  She even said if it was a secret I could kill her, but she drooled on her phone over the pic and wants to bring them to an event of her own.  No prob, missy...and it is not a secret, I found it online - joy of baking is a GREAT place to find good recipes.  Now mind you, I did not tweak the cupcake recipe one iota, but the frosting is from another place....this is my new, and definitively the best cream cheese icing I have EVER had...it also has a bit of a twist that improves the texture and shocked the hell out of me - it was years before I would try it, and then I was mad at myself for not doing it sooner.

So here ya go, sweetie....and even if you can get them to look EXACTLY the same mine will still be better because they are on my tin reproduction powder coated tray from a set of three I had your Handsome Uncle buy me for my birthday for a ridiculous sum of money....those I would have to kill you for.

Red Velvet Cupcakes

Preheat oven to 350 degrees, line at least 20 muffin tins with preferably foil or some nice heavy duty muffin papers if you can find them.

2.5 cups sifted cake flour (didn't have it, used AP and they were light as a feather)
1/2 tsp. salt
2 T. cocoa (I always use uber dark, but whatev)
1/2 cup butter (unsalted blahblahblah...I use what I eat and that crap is gross)
1.5 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup buttermilk
2 T. red food coloring (look for stores that have it in separate bottles...the little ones take two)
1 tsp. white vinegar
1 tsp. baking soda

Ready?  OK.  sift the flour over wax paper, then carefully pour it in cup or scoop with a spoon into it and level off.  Mix with salt and cocoa powder in a medium bowl and set aside.

In your Kitchenaid mixer (oops....hahaha, or a big bowl and your wimpy hand mixer), beat butter until soft.  Add sugar and beat until light and fluffy, then add eggs and beat well.  Add vanilla and combine, scrape bowl.

In measuring cup, whisk buttermilk with food coloring , then add buttermilk and flour mixtures alternately in 3 additions, beginning and ending with flour.  Just so you know, I realize that is not mathematically correct but the stupid recipe said it and I was compelled to write it down.

In small cup, combine soda and vinegar and stir - it will fizz up, then quickly fold into the batter.

Divide evenly in the muffin tins, I use a 1/4 cup ish scoop, and don't over fill like I did...if you do and they mushroom you need to use a knife to push them off the pan before they cool and cement themselves there.  Pissed me off....little cupcakes are better than spready ones.  Bake in oven 20-25 minutes, check with a toothpick for doneness and let cool in the pan about 10 minutes before removing.  Cool completely before frosting.

Next, pick the ugliest cupcake, peel off the wrapper and TAKE THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!  Break it up in small bits and distribute in one of the empty muffin tins.  Put back in the oven you should already have turned off and ignore it for a bit...you want to dry the crumbs out, not brown them.  While you're ignoring them make the frosting.

Cream Cheese Icing

This was at the bottom of a kick-ass recipe I use for carrot cake...you will see in a sec why it took me so long to use it.  I think this method was used during the depression, but I doubt they had access to a lot of cream cheese so who knows....it just works, altho it's hard to pick which is better, the carrot cake or the icing....

1/4 cup soft butter
12 oz. cream cheese (I even used Neufchatel and it still works)
2.5 cups powdered sugar
AND.....
1/3 cup flour.  Yes, I said it....flour.

Whip butter and cream cheese until fluffy, work in powdered sugar and flour.  REALLY.  No vanilla either...go ahead if you want, but it's not necessary...cream cheese has a lovely tang so why muck it up?  Because of the flour, this icing holds up beautifully - if you pipe it with a frosting tip with the sharkey looking points on it the ridges stay nice and firm...it also forms that delightful "crust"...I know it's not a nice adjective for icing, but it is what it is....my fave kind of frosting has an ever-so-thin dry layer that has a spectacular mouth feel when you bite through it and into the squoosh below.  Yup, that is my new word...squoosh.

Now either use an offset spreader, a butter knife, a spoon or even a frosting bag with a giant sharkey tip on it and frost those completely cool cupcakes!  When they are perfect, take the cake bits out of the oven, put them in a ziploc and smash them to oblivion.  I dumped mine into a wire strainer and rubbed them through the mesh onto a paper towel, which was brilliance.  Then sprinkle with your fingers over each freshly iced cupcake so they will stick and voila!  Red Velvet is not my fave because I swear I can taste the food coloring, but man does everyone else go gaga for it....my lactose intolerant sister lost sight of the fact that she was so afflicted and ate a whole one, for which she paid dearly later that night.  But I don't believe she regrets it....

Born to Shop

I will tell you that I hate shopping, but my family just rolls their eyes when they hear that - they don't understand my compulsion to ultimately walk away from X store with a trunkful of stuff that they had to pay ME to take away.  It's all about the deal...and altho I am not one of those crazy coupon shoppers (anymore), I have scored more times than the Harlem Globetrotters.  AND without dribbling.

Costco...there, I said it.  I LOVELOVELOVE the place - it makes my blood pressure drop just walking through the door.  I don't even mind parking 3 miles from the entrance, it just increases the excitement of passing under that giant rolling door and winking at the person with the clicker...I feel like Norm in Cheers, and that all the staff are gonna yell "SHARON" when I walk in.  It has taken me YEARS to learn to shop there though, and have fallen into their snake pit traps time and time again...a long-ago co-worker once told me she called it the $300 dollar store 'cause she could never get out without spending that much.  It takes an iron constitution, nerves of steel, and a really big wad of gum to do it, but it is possible...just never forget that the sample people are satan himself and you will save at least 25% on your final bill if you don't sully your wad of Trident with chunks of apple pie, salt & pepper Kettle Chips, and teriyaki beef jerky.

Growing up with 4 siblings means you never get your own room....unless you're the oldest and a girl.  We shared rooms in many different configurations, but when we moved to Banks, me and my two sisters shared one room for a short time, and my oldest sister would tell us stories when the lights went out...my favorites were the ones where you got locked in a big department store for a week because they closed it for some unknown reason - it had to be a week because there were too many things to do in just one night.  As a kid in a one income family that was the ultimate lottery winning dream....have unfettered access to ANYTHING you wanted without the worry of punishment - if they lock you in a store, they're not going to put you in jail, right?  So what if you rode bikes up and down the aisles, filled up swimming pools, ate every kind of candy on the shelf, and had fashion shows with all the clothes...they would just be happy if our parents didn't sue them, right?  Those stories and the somehow inbred need for a deal is where I lay the blame for my nasty little habit.  But before you judge, how many of you have a never-been used, one model year behind 12 cup Cuisinart food processor that only cost you 24.99??  BOO YAH.

This recipe has absolutely nothing to do with any of this, and after going through some recipes I realize that I am starting to run out of good stuff that isn't too involved/weird/stolen....not sure how long this can keep going but I will try.  This is a super easy (read uses BOTTLED DRESSING), but is one of those things that you have once and wonder how the hell something so simple can look like a million bucks AND taste fabulous.  Sure some are going to whine about the shrimp, but skip it if you don't like it.  It won't be the same, but if it called for capers I would do the same - no slimy boogers for me.  And many thanks to my lovely niece Carrie from Cali - this is actually her mom's recipe, hence the name....just don't tell HER you screwed with her recipe, I'm convinced she had "connections" and you might just find a package in your mailbox with a small piece of your favorite salad bowl in it.

Suzy's Salad

Another one of those with no set amounts....I will give you suggestions, but you can monkey with it to your own liking - it would be really hard to mess it up.  REALLY...even YOU, haha.

Lettuce - a mix of romaine, leaf and iceberg would do nicely...a head of each cut or torn into bites sized pieces, perhaps?
Salami, cut in bite sized pieces (I get it sliced from the deli, then cut it in 1/4's)
Feta cheese, crumbled
Black olives, quartered (looks prettier than sliced, or you could buy small and leave whole)
Tomatoes, cut in bite sized pieces (grape tomatoes are perfect cut in half...the juice adds to it)
Baby shrimp (I would say up to a lb, and clean it - no one likes shells and feelers)
Red onion, sliced (I cut in half, then in quarters and cut thin sticks from that)
Girard's Champagne Dressing (this is the key, don't use anything else)

Put all fixins in your large and undamaged salad bowl, pour about half the bottle of Girard's over all and toss, add more if needed and I would totally grind some black pepper into it.  It may also have had croutons tossed into it....that would be good too.  If you use enough of the toppings it can be a full meal with some nice crusty bread - and it will get you a flood of invitations to potlucks if you're not careful....you have been warned.

A Gift From the Heart

Handsome Stranger has struggled for years when it comes to gifts for me, and I really feel bad for him. I never think "For cryin' out LOUD, you've known me for over 33 years, why the HELL can't you read my mind??" because I don't know what I want myself most of the time. I am also cheaper than than the day is long, and will, immediately upon opening any gift, will think (in my head most of the time) "Where did you buy this? Was it on sale or did you use a coupon? Did you check online to see if you could get it for less?"....I can't help it. He overthrew the flowery romantic notion of buying jewelry long ago since I just lose it; the last such items were a new rock in my engagement band because apparently the other one broke off and is probably in a landfill or one of our former custodians teeth (I think it happened in the file room), and a simple anniversary ring for our 25th that I am actually wearing right now. And that is fine with me - the man played his hand when he bought me the Camaro for my 50th so he can do what he wants.

It is also difficult to surprise me. I hate knowing what I'm getting, so I've had to be very careful during the month of December to not look at my bank account (I clean up the aftermath on the 26th), avoid rifling through his wallet and drawers, and run away if I see a box/bag/mysterious lumpy thing that appears to be in one of our big suitcases...ruins the surprise. But this year he was successful...I had no clue (except the box of Sees, I could smell the damn raspberry creams through the wrapping paper) and was delighted when I unwrapped a set of Kitchenaid pasta making attachments I have always wanted but was too cheap to buy. I've seen the occasional one at Goodwill, but after noting cat hair in one, determined that purchasing one second hand would be like using a toothbrush you found in a gas station bathroom. And he used a coupon....I love that man!

So my first experience was making lasagne noodles....you only use one attachment, the roller, and just have to run the rested dough through on several different settings until it's the width of the roller and as thick as you like, then lay it out on towels while you make the rest of the ingredients so you can put it all together. It was AMAZING lasagne...the sheets were thin, and had a more pastry-ish quality - tender and almost creamy, without that rubbery bite but not mushy either. Best lasagne I have ever had....anywhere. The second was a marathon session where I made TWO batches of lasagne and two of fettucini....that day I made traditional and veggie alfredo lasagne, and once again, could not have been more pleased with the results. Then I used some of the fettucini for a huge batch of cottage cheese, noodles and bacon that Ethan requested for days afterwards, and then some with bolognese sauce for him one night we were eating something highly objectionable to him (he's not really picky, just 10) to a very happy outcome. I also shared some of the dried fettucini with a friend, and she said it was really good...I choose to believe her.

Today everyone was watching the Maltese Falcon, and I was bored because it was in BLACK & WHITE....sheesh, we used to have to watch that in the middle ages (1960's), and they didn't even bother to colorize it. I love that they were SO un-PC back then, and we got some pretty good guffaws out of some of their mannerisms and choices of vocab, but it wasn't enough to keep me entertained so I grabbed an apron and noodled up. I rolled the sheets a bit thicker, then cut them by hand into strips about as wide and long as my thumb....then I made chicken veggie soup and threw those delicious eggy strips of heaven into the pot. Not very many people make noodles by hand, mostly cause it's a giant pain in the arse - that is unless you have magical machines to do the hard part, but either way...BEST. CHICKEN. SOUP. ON. THE. PLANET. I should build a shrine to Kitchenaid, but that would be false idolatry so I won't, but man-oh-man you should try it sometime.....it takes a bit of elbow grease to roll out pasta dough, but this soup is SO very worth it!

Chicken NOODLE Soup

So if you want to use homemade, the recipe will follow for the pasta, otherwise I highly suggest you buy fresh or the frozen egg noodles....the kind in the bag are never as good. Or you can make the soup with no noodles and avoid the carbs - sometimes I add butternut squash I've roasted and that's good too. But I have suspected for years that the Manna the Israelites found every morning in the desert for 40 years while they wandered lost because Moses didn't have GPS was actually noodles....they just changed the name later.

1 T. olive oil

3 large raw chicken breasts, cut into 1/4" dice

1.5 C. celery, cut in 1/4" slices

1.5 C. onion, diced

1.5 C. carrots, cut in half and 1/4" thick

2 C. frozen or fresh corn

1.5 C. crookneck squash, 1/2" dice (they will break down a little)

1/2 LARGE cabbage, coarsely chopped

16 C. Hot water OR chicken broth

5 T. chicken soup base (the paste type is the best) if using water

1/2 tsp. turmeric (yellow curry)

Salt and FRESH GROUND black pepper to taste

1 lb. fresh pasta

Heat olive oil in large stock pot until smoking, add chicken, celery, onion, carrot, corn and saute for a couple minutes. Add squash and cabbage and cook a couple more minutes until it all kind of wilts, then put in water, soup base (or broth), and seasonings. Bring to a boil and cook for about 8 minutes, then add pasta and stir, continuing to cook at a low boil about 5 minutes or until pasta is at least al dente. It will continue to cook from the heat in the pot, but you can serve immediately or let it sit a while....the flavor will actually improve if you can believe that.

If you want to make the pasta, I will give you the recipe I use for the Kitchenaid, but you may have to actually mix it with your hands if you don't have a fancy mixer...OR you can use a food processor, just not a hand mixer unless you want a new one when it burns up from attempting to mix concrete.

Egg Noodles

3.5 C. sifted AP flour

1/2 tsp. table salt (kosher grains are too big)

1 T. water

4 whole eggs

Put all ingredients in mixer and use the flat beater, beat on 2 for 1-2 minutes until flour is incorporated, then switch to dough hook and knead on 2 for 2 minutes. Remove dough from hook/bowl and knead for another 1-2 minutes or until smooth. Let rest covered with a towel for 20 minutes or it will just laugh at you if you try to roll it out. This is where I run it through the rollers on 1, folding it every time and repeating 4 or 5 times, then roll it once at 2, once at 3 and once at 4 to make thick ones (I think it goes up to 7). If you are doing it manually, you just cut the dough in 4 pieces, and start rolling with a rolling pin.....they should be about as thin as...well....a noodle. Then cut into smaller squares, then in whatever size noodle you want.

I used them fresh, just cook in whatever for 4-5 minutes for the thick ones, but you can dry them on a towel for later, just make sure they are separated and don't stack...they will stick together and you will say very bad words and cook the whole deformed mess, then cry bitter tears of disappointment while you eat your noodles with a steak knife and fork, raking them through a puddle of melted butter and they will STILL be delicious. And THAT, my friends, is a gift from MY heart.