"Hoagies and Grinders, Hoagies and Grinders..."

Cravings are born of what's close to your heart....and unfortunately for my fat-wrapped human engine, mayonnaise is fairly close to the top of my list. I love the stuff....not by itself, it has to have a vehicle to propel it into my mouth, but there are so many viable options I could not list them here without the blogspot.com police issuing me a "cease and desist" email threatening to cut me off if I don't stop blogging about Best Foods. I blame my mother, mostly because that is our national past-time, but because shoot mi madre knows her condiments.

As part of a 5 kid family with only one income, we were subjected to many unsavory things in the interest of stretching a dollar (or in some cases, a nickel) I've eaten a LOT of weird things that were called a "sandwich" simply because they were encapsulated in between two pieces of bread, but that would cause many a peer to blanch, quail, and recoil with horror when a lunchroom trade was suggested. They had their bologna and peanut butter and jelly, crusts cut neatly off on wonder bread that was softer than a puffy white cloud, nestled neatly in their Mod Squad lunchbox with a thermos of chicken noodle soup, a Twinkie, and a piece of fruit so perfect it was a shame that they tossed it in the trash without even thinking of eating it. Sigh...to be a "normal" kid.

We occasionally had lunchboxes, but with slovenly habits and the grace of a charging buffalo in the fine china department of Macy's, they were generally discarded early in the school year due to a broken thermos and a science experiment in how nasty an enclosed metal device can get if you forget to clean it out in favor of the disposable paper sack. The scene in "Uncle Buck" when Miles opens his full-size grocery sack and starts to unload the lunch his Uncle most likely cleaned out the fridge to attain always takes me back to the lunch room....the milk in a jar with a plastic bag rubber banded to the top was CLASSIC. (OK, it might not have been a bag on top, but that is what WE got.

PBJ was always an option, but I was never a fan....something about a warm peanut butter sandwich reminds me of stuff under the couch cushions. (NO....I was NOT the one who put them there....) Tuna mixed with mayo and sweet relish was a staple, bologna, salami with the whole peppercorns in it, so it was always fun to peel the bread off before eating and pick 'em out so you didn't spend the afternoon gagging and tearing up after biting down on one. Olive loaf, head cheese (it's really like square bologna with tiny cheese cubes in it), and cheddar or jack cheese - all were some of the more normal selections.

One that I loved, but not many others would touch with a ten foot pole was Braunschweiger.....yup, liver sausage. It looked like meat playdoh, tasted vaguely of liver and had the consistency of...well...hmm....nevermind, it's grossing me out trying to describe it. And none of this makes any sense because I despise liver with a white hot passion, but would still eat this every single day with mayo on white bread if it wasn't filled to bursting with even more delightful fat I don't want to buy bigger undies because of. And of course, every single one was liberally lubricated with that devil-in-a-jar. Delicious.

I suppose you have to grow up eventually - my big sister shared this recipe with me and we love it; I made it a lot when Handsome Stranger was doing Atkins...you can eat all the mayo you want, just not on bread. To which I said "Why bother livin' if you ain't gonna enjoy yourself once in a while?", to which he replied through a mouthful of bacon "Mmmm....bacon..." And I'm just gonna say it: you Adkins Addicts all have the worst breath on the planet. I don't care if you're burning ketones, you stink - eat some fruit and use some shout on your butter, bacon grease and mayonnaise stained shirts. And try this on some bread...your intestines could use a break from that giant meat log working it's way through your lower 40.

Choose-your-Chicken-Salad

4 C. diced cooked chicken

I like to use a whole rotisserie chicken from the store, and rip the whole thing asunder and chop up both dark and white meat...dark meat has all the flavor, you know. BUT, sometimes I don't want to stop at the store, so I pull frozen breasts outta the freezer, put them in a pot and cover with water and a skosh of salt and pepper, then cook at a slow boil for 30 minutes, remove from heat and cover and let stand another 30. Cool until you can handle and chop up. Or you could over roast, or even grill for a nice smoky flavor....'sup to you.

1-2 C. add ins

Go wild, use what YOU like - my pref is cranberries and either pecans or toasted almonds....here are a few suggestions:

Dried cranberries

Chopped apple

Diced peaches

Dried cherries

Green onion

Celery

Diced roasted red pepper

Chopped marinated artichoke hearts

Chopped black or kalamata olives

Capers (BLECK!)

Chopped green olives

Minced sun dried tomatoes

Toasted chopped almonds or hazelnuts

Chopped pecans or walnuts

Pan toasted pine nuts

Asiago cheese

Diced pickled jalepeno

Mini marshmallows (haha, kidding...but then again....)

OK, it's getting ridiculous....I never meant for you to use ALL of them, but 2 or 3 that will complement each other. So for instance jalepeno, artichoke and asiago would make it much like that delicious dip you get in restaurants to dip crackers or bread into. Peaches, almonds and green onion would be a delightful sweet/savory taste. I like the idea of apple/celery/walnuts for a Waldorf-ey experience too. My original recipe had green olives, roasted red pepper and almonds I think....but I have never made one that wasn't delicious!

Dressing

Super simple so the flavors of your add ins come through....

2 T. seasoned rice vinegar

1/2 to 1 C. Best Foods (Hellman's East of the Rockies) Mayo

Salt and FRESH GROUND PEPPER to taste

Mix the chicken with the add ins, then sprinkle the vinegar over all, add mayo to YOUR liking, then season as needed w/salt and pepper. Mayo has a lot of salt in it, as does vinegar....always add that last so you don't over salt it.

You can serve this so many ways....it's especially good on croissants, but bread, tortillas, crackers, pita, or on leaves of whatever lettuce turns your crank....romaine, butter, endive (I've never had that, BTW), or even in a celery stick if you chopped it fine enough will make an excellent vehicle for deliciousness. It would also be delightful spread on a baguette with some cheese on top and broiled, or rolled up in crescent roll dough and baked into a yummy strudel-ey thingy...I have always dreamed of putting it in puff pastries hot out of the oven and eating them off tiny doilies on a silver tray. But last night I dreamed that Son #2 was wearing purple suede pumps so I'm not sure I want anyone attempting to follow through on my nocturnal imaginings.
Sorry for that last image - it disturbed me greatly, but mostly because they were too big for me to borrow..."MEATLOAF SANDWICH".

"I'm older and have more insurance."

Ah...a classic, that one. Fried Green Tomatoes was SUCH a good movie, full of girl power and irony...kind of like me after working all summer cutting down trees, splitting firewood, and in general acting like I had a pair and knew what to do with em only to have to schedule visits with the chiropractor and physical therapist until the end of time. Haha, not really....just until I've had enough back-crackery and decide that I just have to stop acting like some musclebound freak just kicked sand in my face and start acting more like a girl. But not entirely...no one should ever make the mistake assuming I am a helpless female lest I snap them in half to more neatly shove the two pieces into their own...never mind, you get the gist. But I appreciate you opening doors for me, and will turn your spine ice cold with such a look if you don't - didn't your momma teach you any manners?

My daughter has lived "down south" for the last 11 years, and is finally coming home to Oregon in less than 2 weeks. I am wildly excited, and have been keeping it low key because I was afraid I would jinx it and she might move instead to some other back-water state too far away. (And before you make some huffy comment about Georgia being where you were born and raised and how DARE I call it back water, I live in a town where there is a mannequin and a washing machine with mangle on the "cupola"(translation: roof) of the local tavern) But the moving van is on the way, she will be shortly after turning her keys over the a realtor, and now we just have to wait for her to drive from Georgia to Oregon via North Carolina and Chicago where she'll stop to visit friends....it hardly seems real. We are working on some changes to our home so they can nest when they get here - I might actually get bathroom #2 (LOL....get it??) because of this! What WILL I DO with myself??

My little girl left home for the Army the January after she graduated from high school, and has been away ever since save for a few visits back....there were big milestones like marriage, child-bearing, and home ownership in that span of time, not to mention the last 9+ years of direct grandmothering I've missed out on. If I didn't see them now and then, I think my grandson would probably think that Gramma was the mailman, and Gramps was the UPS guy....a LOT of stuff has traveled North to South in the last 10 years. So if you see UPS stock take a dive, or see a sudden rate hike at USPS in mid-September, it's probably their fault. Do I care?? NOPE....I am just tickled that ALL my kids will be home again...WHEEE!

Living in the South introduced her to all kinds of southern delicacies, like Popeye's chicken, Waffle Houses, and Domino's pizza...yeah, pretty much the same crap we have here. Sure there are actual local spots, and a few joints that we don't have here in the Northwest, but if you have decided to go semi-vegan the South is generally not the place to explore those kind of food choices. The south is cooking with lard, bacon, back fat, butter, and enough peanut oil to deep fry a pterodactyl for the Annual Confederacy Pride Picnic - I think the wedge salads down there are battered, fried and served with a side of cornbread to wipe the grease off your face with. During one visit I went to Sconyer's BBQ joint off the Bobby Jones Highway, and ordered up a vat of local specialties to bring back to my daughter's for dinner. At times like those, I wish I wasn't such a good cook...or that maybe I need to open my own drive-thru if they can force people to wait in line for 30 minutes for that crap.

On our last visit, the one where we went to Savannah and I had to confess that I had wrongly judged Paula Deen after visiting her sons restaurant there, a few bright spots shone through the nasty cornbread, watery pulled pork, and horrible biscuits and gravy I've been subjected to in Southern restaurants over time. One was the fried green tomatoes with vidalia onion relish we ordered on a whim at The Lady & Sons that bakin' hot day in Savannah. I'm not eating fried foods anymore, so until yesterday I had not tried to duplicate it at home, but after a trip to my sister-in-law's produce stand and a chance sighting of some lovely green 'maters, I decided to make them as a Labor Day treat for the kids that were here this weekend. You can get the recipe off the internet too, but it doesn't come with a neat story or family dirt and cusses like mine do....but to each his own. These were so startlingly delicious that I had to put them on my cheeseburger, onion relish and all, and I blacked out while I was eating it due to extreme deliciousness....it will be the first special on my flagship restaurant's grand opening menu....I shall call it the Iggy Burger. My lands.....

Fried Green Tomatoes

4 large green or even slightly orangey tomatoes
Salt
2 C. buttermilk
2 C. self-rising flour*
Fresh ground black pepper
Vegetable oil

Slice tomatoes 1/4" thick and salt on both sides; put in colander and let drain for 30 minutes. Heat oil in pan at least 1" deep to medium high...you want it to almost be smoking, and keep it hot. Using a fork, put drained tomatoes in the buttermilk, then into flour and coat well; carefully lay them into the hot oil, grind some pepper over them and fry until browned on the first side. Gently turn so as not to dislodge the coating and brown on the other side. Remove to a paper towel lined platter, then to a cooling rack so the coating doesn't sweat off, or directly onto your serving dish and eat immediately with heaps of vidalia onion relish. Or on a cheeseburger if you got the guts.

*if your self-rising flour has a grey layer in the container that you suspect is the waste of some kind of bug infestation, you can make your own with untainted all purpose flour by adding 1-1/2 tsp. baking powder and 1/2 tsp of salt per cup of flour and stirring it in.

Vidalia Onion Relish

2 Vidalia or sweet onions, peeled and diced
1/2 C. mayonnaise, plus another 1/4 C. later
1/2 C. seasoned rice vinegar
2 T. brown sugar
2 T. chives, chopped (I didn't have any, put in some parsley)

Mix all ingredients and let marinate in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. The vinegar and onion juice make this rather watery, so after it marinated, I dumped it in a strainer, removed most of the liquid, the re-introduced an additional 1/4 C. mayo into it with a dash of salt...voila!! Perfect creamy consistency, and I figured no added fat because I drained a lot of the original mayo out....and this sh** was so good I was eating it with a spoon....Handsome Stranger was horrified, but to me it tasted like candy. I also heaped a big spoonful on the one bite of a hot dog I could get down - I can think of nothing this would not be delicious on. A fudge brownie with peanut butter icing included. So yeah, anyway....serve in large spoonfuls on top of fried green tomatoes, and tell your pants they're lucky that green tomatoes are not available year round. Y'all come back now, y'hear??

It's a GIRL!!!

I guess I can't proclaim myself an expert on raising girls since I only have the one, but I was one myself, so I think I can take a little from that experience and the fact that I came out alive on this end of 18 and say that I'm at least semi-pro. My first-born and only female child has been on the other side of the country (might have just as well been the universe) for almost 13 years, so when she and my 10 year old grandson moved back to Oregon in September, I was tickled pink. And they are living IN OUR HOUSE....I think that's fitting, at least for now since she has deprived me of her company and my grandson for this long. I will never tire of being a gramma and wish that I had more than one to spoil, side with against his mom, and teach him bad words (it was an ACCIDENT).

We have similarities, she and I; I don't think either one of us leaps into friendship easily, probably in part because of a couple hard hits in childhood, but when someone does crack our hard candy shell, you can pretty much be sure that they'll be front and center at our funeral, crying and laughing harder than anyone else in the room. We have the same snarky sense of humor, and we are both extremely common-sensical - we both like things the way we like them, and God help anyone who gets in the way of that.

On the other hand, my lovely daughter has FAR more patience that I ever did or will have with her child, she is FAR more independent and fearless than me (Holy hand-grenades, Batman - she joined the ARMY), and I think she has a much more creative soul than I do. Sure I like to cook, but because of a LOT of food experience/exposure, I think I know what will work and what won't, but it's really stolen from others. I can pull a rabbit out of my hat, with a sweet cherry and Syrah reduction, roasted garlic, fried sage and Asiago mashed Yukon Golds and butter browned julienned Brussels sprouts with toasted hazelnuts, but most of the time someone else put it in there. I don't think either one of us knows what we want to be when we grow up, but have vague thoughts that it should involve writing, and/or comedy...and for me cooking for sure. I think it's about time the Food Network acquired a stand-up chef with excellent spelling skills.

She has been gone a looooong time - an average once a year visit from one end or the other and 13 years flew by. She was already so grown up (from 6th grade on), but she matured in that time, found love, a new home, new interests, and even became a mother, all without us there. And never seemed to be scared or worried about anything - she is either the greatest actress of all time, or she really IS that independent....and having a partner who leaves for year at a shot over and over pretty much cements that notion. But family is family, and I think she realized just like I did when she left that she was missing out - you can email, call, even visit from time to time all you want, but it ain't the same as BEING THERE. And in my opinion life is too short to throw that away unless you have a REALLY good reason. And what that would be I have NO idea.

It's different having a kid in the house, adding two more bodies to a one-bathroom home, and doubling the female hormone level...tread lightly, you who leave the seat up, your comeuppance has just doubled. I know that we can't always agree, that there will be bickering and petty annoyances for us all from time to time, but it matters not. On the walls of every cubicle I have had in the last 12 years, I have two midnight blue post it notes I laminated and neatly trimmed with Velcro on the back so they'll stick to fabric walls. Written with a metallic pen and covered with stars and hearts, one says "Queen of the Universe", and the other "I *heart* you Mom, Becky". I see them 5 days a week, all day, every day, I remember exactly where I was and what she looked like when she made them, and they are constant reminders of just how much I missed her.

(Author's note: I started this blog before she arrived, and it was here I had to go find Kleenex) When she was in boot camp, she sent home letters detailing her experiences, and I put them in a binder and read them once in while. She was really homesick at first - I didn't expect that, so it was really hard to read about it. One night she was on a bus with a bunch of other prospective girl soldiers, waiting to go off to the next destination, and she wrote that she started to cry when the girl next to her (who she was sure thought she was crazy) started biting her fingernails and spitting them on the seat in front of her just like I do. It was the closest I came to getting on a plane and flying to that base and telling them it was all a mistake, she wasn't supposed to be there and had to come home with me NOW. I still can't read that without having an allergy attack.

I was told early on I could NOT send goodies from home during basic, and to please not send her anything but letters because you had to do push ups even for those, and they were really mean if someone got a package. I think she moved on to her language training before I was allowed to send anything, and the first was a big box of cookies....her favorite included. I think I cut the recipe out of the paper, but never tried them because they seemed kind of "meh", but she did on a whim and they were wonderful - light, slightly crispy, and so delicately flavored with coconut and vanilla - some things are happy accidents (unless they involve Angry Birds and a potty-mouth gramma...)! Maybe you can put these in your Christmas cookie rotation this year...call em snowflakes, and dream of your world being covered in them when you wake up tomorrow....

Becky's Coconut Crisps

1 C. butter, softened (2 cubes)

1 C. sugar, plus extra for sprinkling

1 egg

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. almond extract

2 C. flour

1/2 baking soda

1/2 salt

2 C. flaked coconut

Preheat oven to 325. In a large bowl, beat butter a little, then add 1 C. sugar and beat until fluffy; add egg and extracts and beat until well combined. Add baking soda and salt and mix, then add flour and beat until combined, add coconut and mix well.

Using a cookie scoop or two spoons, drop by heaping tablespoon onto a greased or parchment lined cookie sheet. I always scoffed at recipes that used parchment paper as "foofy", but after using it found that it really does make a difference, and you don't have aluminum flecks on the bottoms from scraping them off the pan if they tend to stick. Just sayin. Sprinkle tops with sugar (you can use big or regular sugar....I kind of like regular for more of a "sandy" result), then use a flat-bottom glass dipped in sugar to slightly flatten each one. Bake at 325 for 12-15 minutes, not allowing them to brown. Remove to rack to cool, makes about 40 cookies.

And just for the record, I don't think these shipped terribly well....I recently read that you should ship cookies in a tin with bubble wrap between each layer and it made me laugh....those cookies were enjoyed just as much in powder form as they would have been intact, which would be true of anyone who missed a taste of home! I think they would also be delicious if you melted some dark chocolate in a Ziploc, then cut off the tip and drizzled the tops, but then I think that about EVERYTHING - except liver.

Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!

Our mini Oregon summer is drawing to an end, and I never even got a peelable sunburn - while I know that's good for my health, it's disappointing that it never got hot enough to burn the mildew off the gutters and the back of my calves. I swear our AC unit is pouting...and I never once had to get the kiddy pool I bought my grandson out of the shed to cool off. What a gyp!

Summer was so much fun when we were kids - it meant no school, picking berries for enough money to make myself sick for one day on candy from the Rexall Drug, climbing trees, eating fruit in various stages of dead green to ripe enough to fight the yellow jackets for, playing hide and seek with at least 10 neighbor kids well into the dark, and free swimming lessons at the Wilson High School outdoor pools. We went to the library for the max number of books allowed to check out at one time, then back again every 2 weeks for more, rode our bikes endlessly around the neighborhood and to Multnomah Village and back, made forts out of anything we could find, dropped lit firecrackers down manholes and put them in half rotten apples just before throwing them off the neighbors deck.

We went to the beach to play in the surf and roast weenies and marshmallows over a bonfire, experienced hikes at Multnomah Falls, Kings Mountain, Tillamook Head and Saddle Mountain, went camping at Fort Stevens, Honeyman State Park and Barview near Garibaldi, and played ourselves silly doing anything with anyone who didn't have a care in the world. Why would anyone NOT like summer? It's like a spa for kids - instead of a mud bath, you dug a swimming pool in the back yard and tried to fill it after lining it with a big piece of plastic. (OK, that WAS a mud bath), instead of a massage you leg wrestled with your siblings lying in the grass under the cherry tree, and instead of yoga you practiced crossing your legs and walking on your knees and laughed hysterically at each other when you tried (and actually succeeded) to bite your own toenails. The salt scrub was the trip home from the beach with sand in your undies - I never want a real salt scrub.

Like Peter Pan, I don't wanna grow up, but it's too late - summer is full of jobs to do outside when it's dry and warm, events to attend because that is apparently when everyone wants to marry/party/graduate etc, and take the requisite "vacation" that ends up being far more stressful that just hanging out in the tire swing and throwing pine cones at cars from the roof of the shed until someone complained and your mom yelled at you to get down off there. I miss summer....it's just not the same anymore.

My hope is that I can live vicariously through my grandson - if it all works out, he will be here very shortly, and will be as close as he can get - I already told all the geezer nay-sayers that me and Ethan are going tent camping whether they go or not, and I will pretend I am 10 when I'm not busy setting up camp and making sure that he doesn't get so dirty potatoes grow in his ears...we're going to have fun, and he will someday look back and miss it too. I can't wait....

And ooooh baby......there is nothing that screams summer like a bowlful of pico de gallo made with fresh-from-the-garden produce....anything you can get at your local farmstand/farmers market makes it that much better. I prefer to put a twist on my pico, and have developed a heavenly concoction comprised of elements from 3 different recipes, which I personally believe is the best thing I have ever scooped a ridiculous amount of on a chip and stuffed in my chubby little face. Altho pure guac runs a close second, the flavors and textures in this just blow me away. So give it a try, and make sure you have plenty of nice salty tortilla chips on hand - it's just not the same on a stale English muffin.

PicoMole'

2-4 ears fresh corn on the cob

2-3 ish lbs. of roma tomatoes*

1/2 onion, preferably a sweet, but yellow or red will work too

1 bunch cilantro - use however much you like

3-100 jalapenos (OK, more like 3-6 depending on size/pref. heat)

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed*

2-3 limes, depending on size and your taste

Salt & fresh ground black pepper

2-4 ripe avocados

As you can see, amounts are quite adjustable....it's all based on your preferences and tolerance of any/all of the ingredients. So are you ready? Let's GO!

1. Heat grill, brush or spray corn with olive oil/spray and sprinkle with salt, grill over medium high heat until browned/lightly charred on all sizes, let cool. When cool enough to handle, cut corn off the cob using whatever corn-cutting contraption you have, or just a good sharp knife - lay the corn on the cutting surface, and cut kernels off one side, turn a 1/4, then cut another side etc until you've cut it into a square cob. Then gnaw the rest off it and wipe the corn bits off your cheeks before proceeding.

2. Core and dice tomatoes fairly small - nothing should be much bigger than the beans - and put them all in a colander to drain. Let drain as you continue, watery pico is an ABOMINATION.

3. Dice onion small, throw on top of tomatoes.

4. Seed, core and chop jalapenos finely....if you like it HOT, leave some of the seeds, and if you don't want to spend a couple hours screaming and cursing the day I was born after rubbing your eye, picking your nose, or tending to some other delicate skin on your body even AFTER washing with soap and water therefore transferring hellfire hot chili oil there, use a pair of disposable gloves....trust me. Set aside by itself, segregated from the less lethal ingredients.

5. Wash the whole bunch of cilantro (big bowl of cold water, swish it around vigorously and then dry by snapping it like a whip at the nearest mouth breather waiting for you to open the bag of chips), rip off half and chop the main part of the leafy end in a not too big dice. You can add more if you like....just hold up a sec.

6. Cut lime in half, and get ready with whatever you use to squeeze citrus with.

7. Get a large bowl, dump tomatoes and onion, cilantro, drained black beans, corn and a couple big pinches of kosher salt and some grinds of pepper. Put in as much jalapeno as you dare, then squeeze in at least 2 limes and stir to blend. Give it a taste with a chip and see what you think....too wimpy? Add jalapenos. Can't taste the lime? Squeeze in another half. Want to taste more of the soapy deliciousness of cilantro? Chop a bit more and toss it in. Need salt/pepper? Have at it, but not too much. It should taste so good right now you want to make giant tortilla chips out of whole round tortillas and have a mouth-ectomy so you can fit it all in at once. But there's more.....

8. Dice ripe avocados (to prep it, you cut in half around the pit, smack your sharp knife blade across the pit and twist to remove, then scoop the whole half out with a large spoon you usually only use to dish up Lima beans on your kids plate or eat rocky road ice cream right out of the carton at night when no one else is around. Take half a lime and squeeze a little over the cubes, then GENTLY fold all into the bowl of waiting pico.

BAM! You have just created the perfect food to be eaten immediately....tomatoes lose their flavor in the fridge, and the avocado will turn brown and start to break down, giving the whole bowl and unsavory snot-like consistency and color....it's only recommended to eat right then and there. And if you bring to an event, do the avocado when you unwrap the bowl to serve....and you will NEVER have to worry about leftovers. If they run out of chips, they will dip anything they can scoop with in there - celery, hamburger patties, even Aunt Betty's sugar cookies. And knowing Aunt Betty's baking skills, it can only make them better. I'm going to make this when me and E go camping, and maybe that is ALL we'll have for dinner one night....well that and giant roasted marshmallows, that's a deal-breaker for Gramma.

The Naughty is Back...

I have spent a lifetime fiddling with other people's recipes, attempting to improve them, perhaps trying to get by because I didn't have buttermilk or eggs or the right kind of sugar - there are as many reasons as there were abject failures. OK, maybe not quite as many.....but the first I recall was my mom's Creamy French Icing. I was just a teenager, and of course knew everything - she put me to work making the icing for someone's birthday cake, then left me alone while she went off to most likely wrap a present in whatever paper-like material she could find because we never seemed to have the real stuff. I thought it was normal to get a present clad in butcher paper, or a grocery bag that had been deconstructed, then artfully taped to try and hide the creases and the "Piggly Wiggly" logo on one side. But I digress....

As I gathered ingredients, my budding gourmet brain took over when I saw the "Dream Whip" box. Oooooh....who doesn't love whipped cream, and wouldn't it be delicious if I could make her icing even more light and fluffy by adding just a skosh? Sure....SOUNDED like a good idea, that is until I began to incorporate the lovely vanilla-scented plaster of paris powder from the envelope into the cream french....it began to take on an odd look and color and promptly lost it's creaminess AND fluff....apparently it was only meant to mix with milk, and was laughing at me through it's iridescent and oddly vomitous texture. I turned the mixer up on high, hoping against hope that it just needed to be beaten FASTER to become delightful, but my hope was dashed when Mom came back, looked in the bowl and said accusingly "What did you DO?". I promptly replied "Nothing!", with the most saintly look I could muster while fervently praying she would not find the Dream Whip packet underneath the other garbage I tried to hide it under and give me 40 lashes with an offset spreader. Our eyes locked, she knew I was lying, I was attempting not to pee my pants, and still breathe.....after a couple seconds, she must have realized that an inquisition and subsequent punishment would mean she wouldn't have time to make a bow for her package out of some scraps of yarn, a couple twist-ties and the plastic ring thingie that holds a 6 pack together, and she said we would have to re-make it. PHEW.

And sometimes, you just can't fiddle with perfection - there are a few that I can't find fault with, that always satisfy my need for perfection and everyone else's need to stuff their face with a truly inspirational masterpiece. Yah, like the Mona Lisa of recipes....lah de freakin dah. The following is just such an offering - I read it in the paper, and thought it sounded good...and it was from a bakery in a place called Sister's that I had never been to....exotic. It's kind of like a cross between a biscuit and a pastry - it's not very sweet even with the icing, but is a nice homey comfort breakfast served warm with a little butter to go with. Not that I would do such a thing...OK, I had to try a little bite with butter tonight, are you happy now?

Marionberry Biscuits

From the Sisters Bakery in Central Oregon - believe it or not, I drove through the town on my first trip to Bend a couple years ago and DID NOT STOP...it was full of tourists and I wanted to see what Bend was all about! OK, next time I will stop and see what else this wondrous place has to offer....if these are any indicator, Handsome Stranger will need to bring a really big shoe horn to get me back into the car.

2 C. bread flour
2 C. cake flour (OK, I confess....I've used all regular flour and they were fine)
1/2 C. sugar, plus extra for berries
1/8 tsp. salt
2 T. baking powder
4 T. butter, cold
2 eggs
1/4 C. water
1 C. buttermilk
3 C. fresh or frozen marion or blackberries
1 C. powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
2 T. milk

Preheat oven to 350, spray a 9x13 pan with nonstick cooking spray and set aside.

In a medium bowl, mix flour, sugar, salt and baking powder, then cut in butter until crumbly. In a smaller bowl mix eggs, water and buttermilk with a fork until combined, pour into flour mixture and stir with fork just until combined. Turn out on lightly floured board, separate into two equal parts, and roll each part out into approx. a 6x8 rectangle, using flour as needed (the dough will be a little sticky if you don't use enough). Cut each rectangle into 9 to 11 rounds (about 2.5"), re rolling any scraps to get enough. Put half in bottom of the pan, evenly spaced, then put about 1/3 C. berries on each biscuit. Now a decision....if you want it a little sweeter, you can put 1/2 to 1 tsp. additional sugar on top of each berry-covered biscuit....it's up to you. Then put the rest of the biscuits on top of the berries. Bake in 350 degree oven for 30-35 minutes, or until golden brown. Cool slightly, then mix powdered sugar, vanilla and milk until smooth and spoon over warm biscuits.

One note I thought I should mention - the second time I made this I thought "Hmm....I think I'll make these on a cookie sheet so they don't all grow together and they'll get more browned crispy edges." HA. It's a soft dough, and when you do that, they still all grow together, they just end up a lot flatter with burned berry filling in the few holes in between. The point of cramming them in a smaller pan is that they bake UP, not out....live and learn. And Handsome Stranger loves burnt stuff, and joyfully scraped all of it off the pan and ate it with a smug look on his face. Love a man who eats your mistakes and still swears you're a better cook that his momma.....

ps, if you REALLY want to know, I ended up with 11 of these beauties, and they are 9 points plus each....WITHOUT the butter. They're not really all THAT good.....

"Ch ch ch chANGEs"....

Life changes come in many forms. Like when you go to the ER because you have some crazy-ass bout of food poisoning that has lasted for a week, and they tell you that is NOT something you ate, but something that will eventually eat YOU out of house and home, and that saltines and 7-up are the only things you will consume for the next 4 months. Another wake-up call is when your children all finally exceed the legal age of 18, and the day is finally here when you no longer have to worry about them....then your stomach turns into lead the first time one of them does something stupid/scary/BIG and it dawns on you that THAT DAY NEVER COMES. Those drug company commercials where old people are laughing and lying around naked in bathtubs on the beach are a LIE....we're too busy losing sleep over the mistakes our kids are making to frolic with pharmaceuticals in the sand - those people are obviously childless.

My daughter and her family are making a life change at this very moment - I think the steady harassment of family for them to move back to Oregon was not quite enough until the big hairy toe of homesickness stepped on and tipped the scales. SIL is probably heading back overseas for another year-long contract, and because I think this last year is the longest he's been home all at once for quite a while, the thought of being alone again was too much for her. Which is fine by me - if family gets overwhelming, they can get their own place and pretend they're not home when we come knocking, and leave the phone off the hook....I will just be supremely happy that they're closer than a 6+ hour flight to an airport where you fly over what smells like the biggest crap farm in the universe. How can you smell that on a PLANE way up in the air anyway??

This, in turn, will be a big change for us - we have Son #2 at home, but he is pretty self-contained, and only rarely grunts a need for something, like say a tow from the California border (haha, that was SO funny!). Depending on when a job comes through for SIL, we will quite possibly double the size of our household, and STILL we have one bathroom. There is a disturbance in the force, and Darth Stranger is starting to draw up plans for said commode #2 (haha, yes I said it) - even a half bath is better than none, so I am ready to give up part of my luxuriously sized laundry room so I can shower without the fear that someone at any given point will desperately need to come in and make me have to shower all over again.

Please understand, this is not a complaint - I am unbelieveably excited, but keeping it low key in case it somehow doesn't happen...that would be very bad - but just an observation that things are about to change big time for our family as a whole. My kids are all awesome, as are the people they attach themselves to, but are also very independent (see "stubborn", they get that from their father) souls, so we (see me) are all going to need to be flexible. Which means that if someone puts the steak knives in the cheese knife slot, or leaves the cereal bag open so it gets all stale and chewy, I'm going to have to swing with it. Altho eating the last graham cracker and not immediately getting in the car and going to the nearest open store for more could be punishable by death (I don't ask for much, but my GC's are WW crack). And the benefits will FAR outweigh any inconvenience....I have only dreamed of the day when my grandson would be instantly accessible for teasing and rubbing grammy's feet (gross...I am totally kidding), and my daughter back so the balance shifts back to girl power - along with my someday DIL, we are going to RULE!

Change is mostly good, it shakes up our complacency, makes our lives more interesting, and can help you to see what you're really made of. Which brings me to this: a recipe for change. I am working really hard at making things that are good for you but still edible, and when I tweak a terrible (see delicious and full of fat) recipe and actually make it better for you and STILL good-tasting, I feel like I just invented chocolate. OK, maybe not chocolate....but maybe graham crackers. So give this a try and tell me what you think....it got rave reviews here, but our taste buds could have been the first thing to disappear when we started losing weight!

Not-So-Fatty Patty's Killer Noodle Salad

I think the original had more noodles, less veggies, used regular peanut butter and more oil, but this version is far less point-plus intensive and still packs an amazing flavor punch. And load up on even more veggies if you want - you can also sprinkle chopped peanuts on top, but beware...those points add up FAST!

3 oz. fresh soba noodles (they look like fresh ramen, but are not deep fried)
1/4 C. seasoned rice vinegar
2 T. Peanutbetter (that stuff I told you about at Trader Joe's)
1 tsp. sesame oil (this is where a LOT of the flavor comes from...)
2 T. sugar
1 T. soy sauce
1 tsp. red curry paste (uh, yeah...I use maybe 1/4 tsp. so as to not set my hair on fire)
1/2 tsp. salt
2 C. shredded cabbage
1/2 red bell pepper
1 C. sugar snap peas
1 carrot, peeled or a handful of baby carrots
1 rib celery

Cook the soba as per directions - it only takes a couple minutes - drain and rinse with cold water and put in large bowl. In a small bowl, whisk vinegar, peanutbetter, oil, sugar, soy, curry paste and salt to a smooth emulsion, set aside. To prep veggies, wash and cut peppers and carrots into matchstick size pieces, then slice the sugar snap peas crosswise diagonally into 1/4" sections. Toss all veggies with noodles, pour over dressing and mix to coat. Adjust seasoning to taste, and serve cold - SO good and only 7 points plus for the WHOLE batch!

If you want to make this for more than just you, just multiply it per person for a main dish (you could add sliced cooked chicken breast for more protein - 3 oz. will add I think 2 more points), or for every two people if it's a side. You can also get fancy and add some toasted white and black sesame seeds, a tsp. is zero points, so just don't add more than that per serving and you're good to go. And if you don't care about the fat, by all means use regular peanut butter, drizzle in some olive oil and crust the top with crushed peanuts - shoot, you can eliminate the veggies altogether and stop yourself up for a month of Sundays! Just don't come to my house when it finally breaks loose....I still only have one bathroom, and I like the paint to stay on the walls, thank you very much.

There are too beaches in Seattle...

Handsome Stranger and I went to Seattle last weekend, and despite the horror of the big city, terrible traffic (FULL of Washington drivers - I think they do their driver's training on Mario Kart), and having to walk hills in the city that I SWEAR should require caribiners, nut tools and quickdraws, we actually had a great time.

In the frenzy of trying to do every single tourist thing possible in 3 days, we wore ourselves out....it's been 3 full days since we returned, and I am still exhausted. We blended in well with the other dorks taking pictures, running red lights (sheesh, why do you have to put them on the side like that?), and doing little jigs while waiting in line to pee because we never quite got the "Large Masses of Humanity and Only So Many Public Toilets" concept. And there were special moments - like when some lady cut me off as we were about to sit on a bench to share a croissant because she was going to sit there with the rest of her party who were still a half block away. I told her "Well, I'm sitting here too", so she ate her ice cream standing up and telling her family how rude I was. I did not tell her that someone should slap her momma for not teaching her manners, but I did say that we were there first, and there was still plenty of room for her. I guess her ass needed a zip code of it's own...but it wasn't as big as her mouth. I know, I'm terrible....just don't try to steal my bench and you'll be fine.

Sunday we vacated our hotel, then drove south to the Boeing Air Museum....it was far more interesting than I imagined. My gramps used to work for Boeing, I think something to do with graphic art which was probably pretty boring, but they had some really amazing exhibits. My dad was a huge fan of airplanes, especially war birds, and if he never made it up there, he really missed out. I think his love for them was passed on, just a little, because that was my favorite part of the museum - those planes were just magnificent. There was a hot air balloon basket they mounted on a tiny platform that hung over a ledge....scary as hell, but I went on it and had HS take my picture. He was horrified....and rightly so - if you moved the whole thing bounced like a diving board. Which is why I went on it...you only live once, and I get a lot of joy out of freaking HS out from time to time...I just hope I never have to tell him I'm pregnant again because I'm pretty sure this time it will kill him.

So just in case you wondered, here are my top 10 favorite things about Seattle:

1. If you are overwhelmed at the enormity of the city and what the hell you’re supposed to do next and burst into tears at Pike and 2^nd, passersby would surely put money in your cup even if it still has coffee in it.
2. Leaving EMP. (I want my 18 dollars back, Paul Allen)
3. 2 words. GUM WALL.
4. The old lady with the Australian accent at The Bite who teased Handsome Stranger for switching seats with me because “he doesn’t like me” (I actually didn’t want to suffer through his “eating elbow” in my face). When she got up to leave, I told HS she didn’t like us and made her giggle.
5. The nutty older gentleman street “performer” with two cats wearing sweaters.
6. The view of Seattle from Elliott Bay.
7. The butterfly habitat in the Science Center….one landed right on my chest, so I know they like things that are SWEET.
8. The mentally challenged panhandler who asked through a mouthful of smokehouse almonds if we could spare some change – I gave him a dollar and he shouted after us as we crossed the street “God Bless you!!”….he made me not mind so much that I had to climb back up the hill.
9. Two blocks later as we climbed a heinous hill while gasping and laughing about not making it, the random stranger who smiled and said “God Bless you both!” as he walked by.
10. That we do not live there.

So this weekend it's Son #2's birthday, and I asked him what he wanted to do for dinner on his special day. I know better than to ask this, because I'm fairly certain (see "bet money on it" in the dictionary) that he will ask me to make Chinese food....which is precisely what he said. I used to make a New Year's Eve feast for my family every year, but it's a lot of work, and I am trying to cut back on stuff like egg rolls, fried rice and pork dumplings - the egg foo yung is probably the best option other than a dry fried veggie stir fry, which nobody really wants. So I am going to make as much as I can in a more thoughtful and healthy style....I will have to fry some egg rolls, but I hear that you can actually bake them to get a non-greasy crispness, you can use ground chicken in the dumplings (yup, I DO make my own potstickers...I am magic that way), and I can try to use less oil in the fried rice....but we'll see. I made the following offering tonight, and just might make it again on Friday....the birthday boy proclaimed it "freakin delicious" even though it was full of veggies and very little fat. I'm getting very sneaky in my old age....

Garlic Pork & Green Beans

I made this up today because I got 5 lbs. of romano beans from my sister-in-law's farm, and am concentrating on veggie dishes this week to make up for my indiscretions in Seattle last week. And it's actually not bad for you at all - I'm starting to get the hang of making stuff that tastes like it's bad for you but does not leave a puddle of oil on the bottom of your plate when you're done....now I need to work on lowering the sodium. Oh salt, how I love thee....

2 lbs green beans, washed, ends trimmed and cut into 1/2" to 1" lengths
10 oz. pork loin, trimmed of all visible fat, and cut into strips
5-7 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
1 large onion, cut in half, then in strips from end to end
8 large mushrooms, washed and sliced medium thick
1 can water chestnuts
2 tsp. oil
1 T. dark soy sauce
1 T. rice wine
1/4 C. oyster sauce
2 tsp. sugar
1/4 tsp. msg
White pepper to taste (mine is about 1/4 tsp)

Preheat oven to 400. Spray a cookie sheet with Pam or olive oil, spread out green beans, then spray again. Sprinkle with a little kosher salt, then put in the oven and roast until they still have a little bite....sort of semi-tender. Remove from pan to stop cooking and set aside.

While beans are roasting, slice the pork loin chops in half (like butterflying but all the way through), or you can buy the extra thin sliced ones. Cut in matchstick style pieces, then put in bowl and sprinkle with 1 tsp. of the dark soy and rice wine, stir in. Let marinate while you prep veggies.

When beans are done and veggies prepped, heat a large skillet or wok and add 1 tsp. of oil. Add garlic, then immediately throw in pork and separate into one layer, stir fry until no longer pink, then dump in the beans and stir to coat and mix. Remove from pan and set aside.

Add 1 tsp. of oil to pan again and bring to smoking point. Throw in garlic, onion and mushrooms and start stir frying - when the onions start to get a little soft, add the water chestnuts and stir fry another minute or so until they're heated through. Dump in the beans/pork mixture, then add 2 more tsp. of dark soy, the oyster sauce, sugar and white pepper, and continue to stir fry until well coated and there is no excess sauce in bottom of pan. Adjust seasoning to taste, then serve over brown rice for an extra healthy meal that will fill you up, then empty you out the next day. I love brown rice...I use brown jasmine I found in bulk, and it's almost as soft as white but way better for you. And I think I have the cooking method down pat now - 3 cups water to 1 cup rice and a pinch of salt, bring to boil, cover and simmer until it's done....probly 30 minutes.

I divided this into 3 servings, and each was 5 points plus. 1 cup of brown rice brings that to 10 total, and it tasted like 25....now if I can get graham crackers to taste like Oreo's I can quit my job and hire someone to do all my prep work. Oh YEAH....