It's a GIRL!!!

I guess I can't proclaim myself an expert on raising girls since I only have the one, but I was one myself, so I think I can take a little from that experience and the fact that I came out alive on this end of 18 and say that I'm at least semi-pro. My first-born and only female child has been on the other side of the country (might have just as well been the universe) for almost 13 years, so when she and my 10 year old grandson moved back to Oregon in September, I was tickled pink. And they are living IN OUR HOUSE....I think that's fitting, at least for now since she has deprived me of her company and my grandson for this long. I will never tire of being a grammaand wish that I had more than one to spoil, side with against his mom, and teach him bad words (it was an ACCIDENT).

We have similarities, she and I; I don't think either one of us leaps into friendship easily, probably in part because of a couple hard hits in childhood, but when someone does crack our hard candy shell, you can pretty much be sure that they'll be front and center at our funeral, crying and laughing harder than anyone else in the room. We have the same snarky sense of humor, and we are both extremely common-sensical - we both like things the way we like them, and God help anyone who gets in the way of that.

On the other hand, my lovely daughter has FAR more patience that I ever did or will have with her child, she is FAR more independent and fearless than me (Holy hand-grenades, Batman - she joined the ARMY), and I think she has a much more creative soul than I do. Sure I like to cook, but because of a LOT of food experience/exposure, I think I know what will work and what won't, but it's really stolen from others. I can pull a rabbit out of my hat, with a sweet cherry andSyrah reduction, roasted garlic, fried sage and Asiago mashed Yukon Golds and butter browned julienned Brussels sprouts with toasted hazelnuts, but most of the time someone else put it in there. I don't think either one of us knows what we want to be when we grow up, but have vague thoughts that it should involve writing, and/or comedy...and for me cooking for sure. I think it's about time the Food Network acquired a stand-up chef with excellent spelling skills.

She has been gone a looooong time - an average once a year visit from one end or the other and 13 years flew by. She was already so grown up (from 6th grade on), but she matured in that time, found love, a new home, new interests, and even became a mother, all without us there. And never seemed to be scared or worried about anything - she is either the greatest actress of all time, or she really IS that independent....and having a partner who leaves for year at a shot over and over pretty much cements that notion. But family is family, and I think she realized just like I did when she left that she was missing out - you can email, call, even visit from time to time all you want, but it ain't the same as BEING THERE. And in my opinion life is too short to throw that away unless you have a REALLY good reason. And what that would be I have NO idea.

It's different having a kid in the house, adding two more bodies to a one-bathroom home, and doubling the female hormone level...tread lightly, you who leave the seat up, your comeuppance has just doubled. I know that we can't always agree, that there will be bickering and petty annoyances for us all from time to time, but it matters not. On the walls of every cubicle I have had in the last 12 years, I have two midnight blue post it notes I laminated and neatly trimmed with Velcro on the back so they'll stick to fabric walls. Written with a metallic pen and covered with stars and hearts, one says "Queen of the Universe", and the other "I *heart* you Mom, Becky". I see them 5 days a week, all day, every day, I remember exactly where I was and what she looked like when she made them, and they are constant reminders of just how much I missed her.

(Author's note: I started this blog before she arrived, and it was here I had to go find Kleenex) When she was in boot camp, she sent home letters detailing her experiences, and I put them in a binder and read them once in while. She was really homesick at first - I didn't expect that, so it was really hard to read about it. One night she was on a bus with a bunch of other prospective girl soldiers, waiting to go off to the next destination, and she wrote that she started to cry when the girl next to her (who she was sure thought she was crazy) started biting her fingernails and spitting them on the seat in front of her just like I do. It was the closest I came to getting on a plane and flying to that base and telling them it was all a mistake, she wasn't supposed to be there and had to come home with me NOW. I still can't read that without having an allergy attack.

I was told early on I could NOT send goodies from home during basic, and to please not send her anything but letters because you had to do push ups even for those, and they were really mean if someone got a package. I think she moved on to her language training before I was allowed to send anything, and the first was a big box of cookies....her favorite included. I think I cut the recipe out of the paper, but never tried them because they seemed kind of "meh", but she did on a whim and they were wonderful - light, slightly crispy, and so delicately flavored with coconut and vanilla. Some things are happy accidents (well, unless they involve Angry Birds and a potty-mouth gramma...) - maybe you can put these in your Christmas cookie rotation this year, just call em snowflakes and dream of your world being covered in them when you wake up tomorrow....

Becky's Coconut Crisps

1 C. butter, softened (2 cubes)

1 C. sugar, plus extra for sprinkling

1 egg

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. almond extract

2 C. flour

1/2 baking soda

1/2 salt

2 C. flaked coconut

Preheat oven to 325. In a large bowl, beat butter a little, then add 1 C. sugar and beat until fluffy; add egg and extracts and beat until well combined. Add baking soda and salt and mix, then add flour and beat until combined, add coconut and mix well.

Using a cookie scoop or two spoons, drop by heaping tablespoon onto a greased or parchment lined cookie sheet. I always scoffed at recipes that used parchment paper as "foofy", but after using it found that it really does make a difference, and you don't have aluminum flecks on the bottoms from scraping them off the pan if they tend to stick. Just sayin. Sprinkle tops with sugar (you can use big or regular sugar....I kind of like regular for more of a "sandy" result), then use a flat-bottom glass dipped in sugar to slightly flatten each one. Bake at 325 for 12-15 minutes, not allowing them to brown. Remove to rack to cool, makes about 40 cookies.

And just for the record, I don't think these shipped terribly well....I recently read that you should ship cookies in a tin with bubble wrap between each layer and it made me laugh....those cookies were enjoyed just as much in powder form as they would have been intact, which would be true of anyone who missed a taste of home! I think they would also be delicious if you melted some dark chocolate in a Ziploc, then cut off the tip and drizzled the tops, but then I think that about EVERYTHING - except liver.

More than just a sweet ride for Cinderella...

Man, I hate it when I try to cheat and cut and paste formatting from hell. It always seems like a good idea at the time, and ends up costing me more time tweaking it that it would have just to key it in. But you know how were are in this technological age....as Homer would put it when told by Mo "It'll flash fry a buffalo in 45 seconds!" - "Awwww, but I want it NOW!!!" I just wanted you to know how much blood sweat and tears goes into this blog, and that I wouldn't do it for just ANYONE.

Giving thanks is a tradition for us here in the United States of America because we have it sooooo good. When you start getting down on yourself because you work in a call center, drive a Hyundai (not one of the cool new ones), and going out on the town involves matinee showings of something with Adam Sandler (SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN....YOU USED TO BE HILARIOUS!!) and 50 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings in a cozy corner of the loudest sports bar EVER, remember it could be worse. I know some of you are thinking "Ewwwwww, HOW??, so to you I suggest asking the guy standing at an on ramp with a cardboard sign that says "Will stand here pitifully for food whilst you attempt to avoid eye contact" and I'm sure he can give you an idea. There, my guilt mongering is done for this festive holiday.

Thanksgiving should actually be called "Yum Yum I Wish I Had a Shovel So I Could Get Even More Delicious food in My Maw" Day, because that is really what it is. I don't know about you, but I've been thinking about it since before Halloween. More like stressing....not because of the day itself, just the number of calories I may or may not accidentally stumble and fall into with an open mouth. When you've restricted your intake, Thanksgiving means you should really eat something about the size of a Swanson Turkey dinner unless you want to grow out of your underpants before the end of the day. So my plan is to make what I normally would, but pull a few punches with butter, cream, sugar etc. and try to lighten it up a bit. That will not help when I am standing in front of a beautifully browned bird, glistening and crackly skin begging me to pull off a hunk and eat it because it's BAD for everyone else. Nor when the soft butter n' egg rolls have cooled off and the turkey carcass that still has an admirable amount of white meat still on it starts singing harmony with the Best Foods in the fridge to the tune of Just Eat It by the genius of Weird Al. Oh my.

So I shall try to persevere, attempt to eat my berry pie with the back of the crust removed and light ice cream on top, only have a little of each thing that requires gravy on it, and not feel the need to cap off my tremendous meal with another before the first one even hits the bottom of your stomach. Wish me luck....I did OK last year, but there were other people around that weren't my family - this year that will not be the case so I can fritter unfettered. Mmmmmm....fritters.

Here's a cool recipe I found from a website when I put pumpkin cheesecake muffins in the search bar. I made a couple changes, one because I did not think I had cloves, two because I thought it was an awful lot of spice (it would not have been), and three because I love nuts....have to, my family is full of em. I also went brown sugar in the topping, and changed the name to Pumpkin PRALINE cheesecake Muffins, cause that's what they are now. It's a hot pick, I tell ya.....brought them to a meeting and almost didn't make it to the room without being attacked...good thing I know how to buttonhook. I would not suggest you make this for Thanksgiving because it will just make Aunt Fanny's pumpkin pie look sick....and they don't require the least amount of whipped cream either.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins

Filling:
8 oz. cream cheese
1/2 C. powdered sugar

Muffins:
3 C. flour
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1 tbsp. plus 1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
4 large eggs
2 cups sugar
2 cups pumpkin puree
1¼ cups vegetable oil

Topping:
½ cup brown sugar
5 tbsp. flour
1½ tsp. ground cinnamon

1/3 C. chopped pecans

4 tbsp. cold butter, cut into pieces

Prep the filling first by mixing the cream cheese and powdered sugar, beating until smooth. Transfer the mixture to a piece of plastic wrap and shape into a log about 1½-inches in diameter. Smooth the plastic wrap tightly around the log, and reinforce with a piece of foil. Transfer to the freezer and chill until at least slightly firm, at least 2 hours.

For the muffins, preheat the oven to 350˚ F. Line muffin pans with paper liners - I use foil because of the high fat content....it will make paper wrappers look greasy. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, pumpkin pie spice, salt and baking soda; whisk to blend. In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the eggs, sugar, pumpkin puree and oil. Mix on medium-low speed until blended I used pumpkin we roasted in the oven and used a hand blender to make sure the fibers were chopped up well - you could also use a food processor. With the mixer on low speed, add in the dry ingredients, mixing JUST until incorporated unless you want to use your tough muffins for softball practice..

To make the topping, combine the sugar, flour and cinnamon in a small bowl; whisk to blend. Add in the butter pieces and cut into the dry ingredients with a pastry blender or two forks until the mixture is coarse and crumbly, stir in pecans. Put in the fridge if it'll be a while before using.

To assemble, fill each muffin paper with about 1/4 C. batter. Slice the log of cream cheese filling into 24 equal pieces. Place a slice of the cream cheese mixture into each muffin well, pushing it down into the batter. Divide the remaining batter among the muffin cups, placing on top of the cream cheese to cover completely. Sprinkle a small amount of the topping mixture over each of the muffins.

Bake for 20-25 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and let cool awhile before serving or even tasting unless you want to talk with a notable lisp for a couple days because of the giant blister on your tongue - the filling is MOLTEN. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, even if you have to sit at the folding table in the hallway....some kids have to sit at the ironing board.

Source: http://annies-eats.com/, adapted from BakeSpace

All eyes are on you....

Yup, another potato post - I bet you couldn't wait! I volunteered to make a gigantic pot of soup for St. Frank's annual Holiday Sampler, a yearly wingding our parish puts on with a giant bazaar of handmade items all donated by the congregation. There is some serious talent and very deep pockets in Roy, and they are not stingy about sharing with those willing to part with a few bucks. I'm always amazed at how much work these people do to benefit their church and school - not many bazaars you go to are all donations....we're unique!

Potatoes have always been a filler in my cooking - baked, boiled and mashed, hash browns, french fries, chowders and delicately browned in a skillet - there ain't a lot about em I don't like. Son #2 makes an ethereal buttermilk potato bread with them that KILLS me every time - it's just not something I can pass up, and my points tracker makes a frowny face at me on days he makes it. I also lovelovelove a giant baker stuffed with butter, sour cream, bacon, green onion and black pepper and will eat it skin and all if it's baked correctly. Wanna know how? Magic...haha.

Actually, you just wash and dry giant spuds, poke them all with a small sharp paring knive a couple times on each flat side, then toss them in a ziploc one or two at a time with some olive oil and coat, then put em on a cookie sheet and liberally sprinkle kosher salt on both sides and bake at 375 about 1.5 hours or until that paring knife will slide right through em...the salt tenderizes them and flavors from the outside in. I overcooked the soup batch, and had to peel them a bit deeper after they cooled - Handsome Stranger finally had to throw the peels in the trash with smelly garbage because he could not leave them alone. I was going to make some smart-ass comment about the Great Potato Famine, but after looking it up on Wiki, I was ashamed of myself. Yes, that does happen.

So yeah, the soup. I was asked to make some last year for the luncheon that is the "Sampler" part of this event, and my butternut coconut curry soup was very well received....a few people had a look on their face like "Yah, like I'm gonna eat something that looks like regurgitated carrots", but I didn't take offense. I just found out what they drove and poured a little in their gas tank to take home and try later. I agonize over something that a large number of random people will be exposed to, especially since I go to church with a lot of them - you really don't want people that have calluses on their knees from praying on them since they were 3 getting some kind of food borne illness because of you - you could end up with the 7 plagues of Roy all over you. I'm pretty sure they are doing chicken noodle and minestrone again, so I wanted a thicker and more calorific option - yes folks, this will not have WW points plus values at the end, the bacon alone will cause the scale to short out at your next weigh in, and when you fry, it's gonna smell like hickory.

I decided to go with a chowder-ish selection, and honed in on Baked Potato - it just sounded so good, and a giant bag of bakers at Costco is only a sawbuck (if you are not over 50, that's a fiver). I did some research and found a couple promising candidates, one from my friend Amber's McClusky (ND) Centennial Cookbook and the other Paula Deen...we all know where this is going. I whipped up a test batch, and I will not tell you what Handsome Stranger said about it because it was VERY naughty - suffice to say he quite enjoyed it. (the soup I mean...) I think you will too, and will curse me with a closed and shaking fist if you are trying to achieve a leaner, meaner you....it's quite heavenly in this lay person's opinion, but with devilish results to the dimples that will deepen on your heinie if you eat a lot. AMEN.

Baked Potato Soup

10 slices bacon

1/4 C. butter

1 C. onion

1/3 C. flour

4 C. milk (I used 2%, but you can use whatever your heart desires)

2 T. chicken base

4 HUGE baked potatoes, peeled and cubed

1 C. cheddar cheese, grated

1 C. sour cream

Salt & fresh ground pepper to taste

Slice bacon across into ¼” strips, fry until crisp, remove from pan and set aside. Put bacon drippings in large pot with butter, sauté onions in fat until tender and stir in flour; cook 2 minutes. Pour in milk, whisking constantly then add chicken base and cook until it starts to bubble, add potatoes and bacon, grind in some fresh pepper and a bit of salt then turn heat down and cook 10 minutes, stirring constantly to keep from sticking. Stir in cheese and sour cream, check seasoning and adjust as needed. You will have to stir it a lot when it's over heat...the milk and flour will make it want to stick and burn constantly. I will also thicken if kept warm....add more milk as needed, and be prepared to add more chicken base and/or salt if need be.

If I was serving this at a meal, I would put some sour cream in a Ziploc, cut off the corner and make a little zig zag of it on top, then sprinkle with a tiny bit of cheese, a few sprinkles of chives or green onion, and one tiny bacon piece on top with a skosh of pepper…..how pretty would that be! Actually, I would just get in the way of the spoon....no one wants to wait that long. And if you overindulge, they'll just comment "That's a fine doorful of a woman".....

Scones and Almighty Sympathy

A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. I understand what this dude was getting at, that you can't get to your destination by sitting on the couch in your underwear, eating Cheetos and drinking Mt. Dew unless you're Bill Gates and can afford to hire 4 hefty dudes to carry your couch on that journey. And how awkward would that be for the dudes? I mean, you're in your UNDIES...I guess having a zillion dollars means you DON'T have to give a shite what people think of you. But enough about my dreams, I just think that, even if the intent is inspiring, one step towards a 1000 is not very encouraging. BUT, you can't get there without it, so wipe those cheesy-stained fingers on your BVD's and put on some pants...time to get movin' Cheeto breath.

I joined Weight Watchers 1 year, 1 week, 1 day, and 4 hours ago. Last night I broke the 100 lb. mark of weight loss, and I could hardly believe it...not so much that I finally did it, but that I was TERRIBLE for a couple days before weigh in. When I stepped on the scale, I was .2 lbs shy of 100, so I stepped off and removed my (size 18-20) sweater. I'm just glad that worked, 'cause I'm not entirely sure I can get my undies off without removing my pants first. I am totally in awe of the support and encouragement I get from my co-workers....they are a fine group of people I am privileged to know, and probably have no idea how instrumental they are in my success thus far, but they've been with me since I started, and a comfy crutch they are. Not to mention a bunch of busybodies that watch every single bite of food that goes into my mouth....it's like a whole BUILDING of pictures with eyes that follow you wherever you go. OK, that was paranoid and I'm SURE not true...but it sure keeps me honest at work! And when I started, looking ahead to a 100 lb. weight loss was like looking into the wrong end of a telescope....very tiny and far, FAR away. But here I am.

So the night before weigh-in, I was making eggnog scones for a delightful friend of my daughter, and because we were also busy making candied jalapenos, dark chocolate truffles, and bacon jam, I forgot to set the timer and burnt the hell out of them. I was tired, I was hungry, and my "It's not worth it" governor bit the big one....I ate the tops of at least 3 of them, aided by a smidge or 10 of butter. The kids said they were delicious, and they weren't really burnt, but I am a perfectionist, and would NEVER give anything I didn't think was my best as a gift....that's the stuff I leave on the island for my family to eat. Which has been rudely commented on in the past....no, I do not love my work peeps more than you, but when you leave the toilet seat up, throw your dirty socks on the living room floor, and put toothpicks in the sink you aren't helping your cause. And oddly, it did not make me feel any better....although I'm fairly certain my tummy was smirking. But taste testing the truffles, the jalapenos (FRICK THEY'RE HOT!), and the ooooOOOOOOMGoooodness Bacon Jam was completely unnecessary - and then I ate dinner. *sigh*

I think God finally broke the dam though - He knows how much I've been struggling and stressing, especially with the last 10 lbs, and I think He took sympathy on me. And although a pity loss is not very noble, if it's from God I'm not going to argue. So after dinner, I drug myself back into the kitchen and executed a perfectly pristine and absolutely BREATHTAKING batch of eggnog scones. If I don't say so myself. I found this recipe on the side of an eggnog carton, and when I lost it and could not find it on a carton anymore, searched the website of every single dairy that produces eggnog for the Pacific NW to no avail...not even creative googling helped. I was inconsolable....I've eaten a lot of crappy scones and only a few really good ones, so I know it was a rarity....and then I found it again, cryptically written on the back of something else, already spotted with dried eggnog and dusted with flour even though I only made it a few times. Another gift from the Big Guy....you will want to thank Him if you make these, just make sure it's on bended knee so you can pick up crumbs that fall to the ground and lick them from your finger.

Eggnog Scones

I love eggnog, and eggnog in almost anything...although once when Handsome Stranger and I were away, Son #1 attempted to make a batch of eggnog fudge I had found a recipe for and proclaimed it "DIS-gusting". I love eggnog lattes, and miss them...too much sugar, but these I would figure out the points for and eat anyway - they just scream the holidays! And you can FREEZE eggnog....I suggest you get some plastic jam containers and freeze it in one cup containers when it goes on clearance, that way you don't have to wait for November.

3 C. flour

1/4 C. sugar

2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. baking soda

3/4 tsp. salt

3/4 C. cold butter

1/2 C. dried cranberries

1/2 C. pecans, coarsely chopped

1 C. eggnog

Extra eggnog and BIG sugar

Preheat oven to 425. Mix flour, sugar, baking powder, soda and salt, cut in butter until small crumbs. Stir in cranberries and pecans, the add eggnog and stir with a fork until it forms a ball. If too dry, add a little more eggnog....just to the dry parts so they'll stick to the ball. It may be sticky, but no worries. Flour the counter or board and dump the ball of dough out on it. If it's really sticky, sprinkle a little over the top too, flatten the ball slightly, forming into a disk. It's up to you what size you want, I like little ones so I cut the ball in quarters, then shape each into a rough disk, about the size of a corn tortilla...don't be fancy, they are rustic and should have ragged edges and lumps, and the less you handle it the more tender they'll be. (If you want bigger ones, cut the ball in half and just do 2 disks.)

Brush the top of each disk with eggnog, then sprinkle with big sugar....if you don't have that I just don't know what to say. Cut each disk into 6 wedges, and space them out on a cookie sheet - you don't have to grease it, but I like to put parchment paper on it if I have it - they should be at least an inch apart because they do puff up just a bit. Bake at 425 for 10-15 minutes....check them at 10, the bottom should be golden, the top maybe just slightly browned around the edges. Remove to rack to cool, but eat one before it cools off so you know how you want to serve them if the Pope comes to visit. Even though he's German and possibly not privy to the ways of the warm scone, his blessing will pack more of a punch if you give His Grace one fresh out of the oven with a pat of cold butter he can put on it and it won't drip on his white cape.

In closing, I would like to extend a huge THANK YOU to God for all His assistance in keeping me on the path to better health and smaller pants, and to my family, friends and co-workers - you are the perkiest damn cheerleaders EVER.

It's a Gramma thing...

It's fall again, I can no longer wear my flip flops to work, and not just because my pedicure is starting to grow out, but because my toes turn an unfashionable shade of blue. That and "flip-flop" turns into "squish-squash" because of the rain, and then there are those weird looks from people who think maybe I should be the recipient of a Salvation Army box for the upcoming holidays. I miss the sun and the warm (only because in Oregon it's rarely so hot that, in order to keep cool, you'll make unfortunate fashion choices like daisy dukes and a tube top at ages that are nearing the Basic Rule and weights that are only admirable in a pumpkin growing contest), but am delighted that we're back to "soup weather". I LOVE SOUP, even if some think it's "Gramma food" - put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Soup was not a staple growing up, that is unless it came out of a can or was being used to empty the coffers of a large number of vegetables that would have been better off on the compost heap. My dad did not like most veggies...he was pretty picky, and when Mom started including them in our food as "vitamins", she frequently had to make him "special" dinners that would have made Jack LaLanne blanch in horror. (Jack was like 150 years old, and still appeared to be in his 60's...all due to exercise, vegetables, and pulling boats around in ice cold water...look him up) For us there was no escape...you ate what was put in front of you, and if it happened to be some kind of soup with many veggies blended up in it in a failed attempt to trick Dad into eating it, you only hoped that there was ketchup on the table to help you choke it down. It was especially egregious when Dad was sitting pretty at the head of the table, wolfing down a steak sandwich or a hamburger steak with mashed potatoes - how RUDE.

The other experience was Campbell's....most of the time it was tomato, chicken noodle, bean with bacon, or cream of mushroom, all of which I loved, but a far cry from homemade, stick to your ribs, full of flavor, meaty and satisfying soup that I am now a proponent of. Yesterday, thanks to a score on some reduced beef roast (did you know that when it's older it has more flavor, and that's how they age premium steaks? True story....) and a shopping trip that included half a cart full of just produce, I decided to make a HUGE batch of one of our favorites. AND it's good for you and only 3 points plus per cup - and it will produce a TON of leftovers that can be refrigerated for many other meals, or even frozen. And soup is always better as it ages....somehow flavors just multiply, not unlike bunnies or Catholics prior to the 1970's. And it is so comforting to eat hot soup on a cold day....kind of like a sweater, but inside your tummy instead of outside. Just beware of leaky spoons....a napkin tucked into the neck of your shirt is less gauche than soup splotches from your collar bone to your navel.

Beef Barley Soup

It's REALLY thick....if you like it more soupy, you can add more water and beef base if you want, maybe less cabbage or veggies, but you're missing the point. VEGGIES ARE GOOD FOR YOU!

23 oz. lean beef, cut in small cubes about the size of your little fingernail.

1 T. oil

1 large onion, diced

3 large carrots, diced

4 stalks celery, diced

3 cloves garlic, pressed or minced

3 C. chopped mushrooms (fresh or I use the dry mix, reconstituted in hot water)

1/4 C. red wine (optional, I just think it gives the broth more depth)

1-1/2 C. barley

12 C. hot water

3 T. beef base

1 T. salt

1 tsp. fresh ground pepper

4 C. diced cabbage

1-1/2 C. diced yellow squash

Heat oil to smoking over medium-high in dutch oven or stock pot, add beef and let sit until it gets a good sear on one side, then stir and allow to sear again. Add onion, celery, carrot and garlic and stir occasionally, about 10 minutes or until onion and celery softens. Add wine, barley, water, beef base and salt and pepper and stir; bring to a boil, then add cabbage and squash. Bring to a low boil, then simmer for 1 to 1-1/2 hour or until beef is tender. Adjust seasoning as needed.

Yes, it's that simple....and you only got a cutting board, a knife, a pot, and a spoon dirty. And if you serve it with some of Creative Daughter's multi grain and Son #2's potato buttermilk breads, it will make you feel like you put on wool socks, a soft Grammy sweater, and burrowed under a cozy fleece blankie in front of a roaring fire....if it's summer, you may want to crack out the daisy dukes and tube top. Or maybe just take a nap....

"Hoagies and Grinders, Hoagies and Grinders..."

Cravings are born of what's close to your heart....and unfortunately for my fat-wrapped human engine, mayonnaise is fairly close to the top of my list. I love the stuff....not by itself, it has to have a vehicle to propel it into my mouth, but there are so many viable options I could not list them here without the blogspot.com police issuing me a "cease and desist" email threatening to cut me off if I don't stop blogging about Best Foods. I blame my mother, mostly because that is our national past-time, but because shoot mi madre knows her condiments.

As part of a 5 kid family with only one income, we were subjected to many unsavory things in the interest of stretching a dollar (or in some cases, a nickel) I've eaten a LOT of weird things that were called a "sandwich" simply because they were encapsulated in between two pieces of bread, but that would cause many a peer to blanch, quail, and recoil with horror when a lunchroom trade was suggested. They had their bologna and peanut butter and jelly, crusts cut neatly off on wonder bread that was softer than a puffy white cloud, nestled neatly in their Mod Squad lunchbox with a thermos of chicken noodle soup, a Twinkie, and a piece of fruit so perfect it was a shame that they tossed it in the trash without even thinking of eating it. Sigh...to be a "normal" kid.

We occasionally had lunchboxes, but with slovenly habits and the grace of a charging buffalo in the fine china department of Macy's, they were generally discarded early in the school year due to a broken thermos and a science experiment in how nasty an enclosed metal device can get if you forget to clean it out in favor of the disposable paper sack. The scene in "Uncle Buck" when Miles opens his full-size grocery sack and starts to unload the lunch his Uncle most likely cleaned out the fridge to attain always takes me back to the lunch room....the milk in a jar with a plastic bag rubber banded to the top was CLASSIC. (OK, it might not have been a bag on top, but that is what WE got.

PBJ was always an option, but I was never a fan....something about a warm peanut butter sandwich reminds me of stuff under the couch cushions. (NO....I was NOT the one who put them there....) Tuna mixed with mayo and sweet relish was a staple, bologna, salami with the whole peppercorns in it, so it was always fun to peel the bread off before eating and pick 'em out so you didn't spend the afternoon gagging and tearing up after biting down on one. Olive loaf, head cheese (it's really like square bologna with tiny cheese cubes in it), and cheddar or jack cheese - all were some of the more normal selections.

One that I loved, but not many others would touch with a ten foot pole was Braunschweiger.....yup, liver sausage. It looked like meat playdoh, tasted vaguely of liver and had the consistency of...well...hmm....nevermind, it's grossing me out trying to describe it. And none of this makes any sense because I despise liver with a white hot passion, but would still eat this every single day with mayo on white bread if it wasn't filled to bursting with even more delightful fat I don't want to buy bigger undies because of. And of course, every single one was liberally lubricated with that devil-in-a-jar. Delicious.

I suppose you have to grow up eventually - my big sister shared this recipe with me and we love it; I made it a lot when Handsome Stranger was doing Atkins...you can eat all the mayo you want, just not on bread. To which I said "Why bother livin' if you ain't gonna enjoy yourself once in a while?", to which he replied through a mouthful of bacon "Mmmm....bacon..." And I'm just gonna say it: you Adkins Addicts all have the worst breath on the planet. I don't care if you're burning ketones, you stink - eat some fruit and use some shout on your butter, bacon grease and mayonnaise stained shirts. And try this on some bread...your intestines could use a break from that giant meat log working it's way through your lower 40.

Choose-your-Chicken-Salad

4 C. diced cooked chicken

I like to use a whole rotisserie chicken from the store, and rip the whole thing asunder and chop up both dark and white meat...dark meat has all the flavor, you know. BUT, sometimes I don't want to stop at the store, so I pull frozen breasts outta the freezer, put them in a pot and cover with water and a skosh of salt and pepper, then cook at a slow boil for 30 minutes, remove from heat and cover and let stand another 30. Cool until you can handle and chop up. Or you could over roast, or even grill for a nice smoky flavor....'sup to you.

1-2 C. add ins

Go wild, use what YOU like - my pref is cranberries and either pecans or toasted almonds....here are a few suggestions:

Dried cranberries

Chopped apple

Diced peaches

Dried cherries

Green onion

Celery

Diced roasted red pepper

Chopped marinated artichoke hearts

Chopped black or kalamata olives

Capers (BLECK!)

Chopped green olives

Minced sun dried tomatoes

Toasted chopped almonds or hazelnuts

Chopped pecans or walnuts

Pan toasted pine nuts

Asiago cheese

Diced pickled jalepeno

Mini marshmallows (haha, kidding...but then again....)

OK, it's getting ridiculous....I never meant for you to use ALL of them, but 2 or 3 that will complement each other. So for instance jalepeno, artichoke and asiago would make it much like that delicious dip you get in restaurants to dip crackers or bread into. Peaches, almonds and green onion would be a delightful sweet/savory taste. I like the idea of apple/celery/walnuts for a Waldorf-ey experience too. My original recipe had green olives, roasted red pepper and almonds I think....but I have never made one that wasn't delicious!

Dressing

Super simple so the flavors of your add ins come through....

2 T. seasoned rice vinegar

1/2 to 1 C. Best Foods (Hellman's East of the Rockies) Mayo

Salt and FRESH GROUND PEPPER to taste

Mix the chicken with the add ins, then sprinkle the vinegar over all, add mayo to YOUR liking, then season as needed w/salt and pepper. Mayo has a lot of salt in it, as does vinegar....always add that last so you don't over salt it.

You can serve this so many ways....it's especially good on croissants, but bread, tortillas, crackers, pita, or on leaves of whatever lettuce turns your crank....romaine, butter, endive (I've never had that, BTW), or even in a celery stick if you chopped it fine enough will make an excellent vehicle for deliciousness. It would also be delightful spread on a baguette with some cheese on top and broiled, or rolled up in crescent roll dough and baked into a yummy strudel-ey thingy...I have always dreamed of putting it in puff pastries hot out of the oven and eating them off tiny doilies on a silver tray. But last night I dreamed that Son #2 was wearing purple suede pumps so I'm not sure I want anyone attempting to follow through on my nocturnal imaginings.
Sorry for that last image - it disturbed me greatly, but mostly because they were too big for me to borrow..."MEATLOAF SANDWICH".

"I'm older and have more insurance."

Ah...a classic, that one. Fried Green Tomatoes was SUCH a good movie, full of girl power and irony...kind of like me after working all summer cutting down trees, splitting firewood, and in general acting like I had a pair and knew what to do with em only to have to schedule visits with the chiropractor and physical therapist until the end of time. Haha, not really....just until I've had enough back-crackery and decide that I just have to stop acting like some musclebound freak just kicked sand in my face and start acting more like a girl. But not entirely...no one should ever make the mistake assuming I am a helpless female lest I snap them in half to more neatly shove the two pieces into their own...never mind, you get the gist. But I appreciate you opening doors for me, and will turn your spine ice cold with such a look if you don't - didn't your momma teach you any manners?

My daughter has lived "down south" for the last 11 years, and is finally coming home to Oregon in less than 2 weeks. I am wildly excited, and have been keeping it low key because I was afraid I would jinx it and she might move instead to some other back-water state too far away. (And before you make some huffy comment about Georgia being where you were born and raised and how DARE I call it back water, I live in a town where there is a mannequin and a washing machine with mangle on the "cupola"(translation: roof) of the local tavern) But the moving van is on the way, she will be shortly after turning her keys over the a realtor, and now we just have to wait for her to drive from Georgia to Oregon via North Carolina and Chicago where she'll stop to visit friends....it hardly seems real. We are working on some changes to our home so they can nest when they get here - I might actually get bathroom #2 (LOL....get it??) because of this! What WILL I DO with myself??

My little girl left home for the Army the January after she graduated from high school, and has been away ever since save for a few visits back....there were big milestones like marriage, child-bearing, and home ownership in that span of time, not to mention the last 9+ years of direct grandmothering I've missed out on. If I didn't see them now and then, I think my grandson would probably think that Gramma was the mailman, and Gramps was the UPS guy....a LOT of stuff has traveled North to South in the last 10 years. So if you see UPS stock take a dive, or see a sudden rate hike at USPS in mid-September, it's probably their fault. Do I care?? NOPE....I am just tickled that ALL my kids will be home again...WHEEE!

Living in the South introduced her to all kinds of southern delicacies, like Popeye's chicken, Waffle Houses, and Domino's pizza...yeah, pretty much the same crap we have here. Sure there are actual local spots, and a few joints that we don't have here in the Northwest, but if you have decided to go semi-vegan the South is generally not the place to explore those kind of food choices. The south is cooking with lard, bacon, back fat, butter, and enough peanut oil to deep fry a pterodactyl for the Annual Confederacy Pride Picnic - I think the wedge salads down there are battered, fried and served with a side of cornbread to wipe the grease off your face with. During one visit I went to Sconyer's BBQ joint off the Bobby Jones Highway, and ordered up a vat of local specialties to bring back to my daughter's for dinner. At times like those, I wish I wasn't such a good cook...or that maybe I need to open my own drive-thru if they can force people to wait in line for 30 minutes for that crap.

On our last visit, the one where we went to Savannah and I had to confess that I had wrongly judged Paula Deen after visiting her sons restaurant there, a few bright spots shone through the nasty cornbread, watery pulled pork, and horrible biscuits and gravy I've been subjected to in Southern restaurants over time. One was the fried green tomatoes with vidalia onion relish we ordered on a whim at The Lady & Sons that bakin' hot day in Savannah. I'm not eating fried foods anymore, so until yesterday I had not tried to duplicate it at home, but after a trip to my sister-in-law's produce stand and a chance sighting of some lovely green 'maters, I decided to make them as a Labor Day treat for the kids that were here this weekend. You can get the recipe off the internet too, but it doesn't come with a neat story or family dirt and cusses like mine do....but to each his own. These were so startlingly delicious that I had to put them on my cheeseburger, onion relish and all, and I blacked out while I was eating it due to extreme deliciousness....it will be the first special on my flagship restaurant's grand opening menu....I shall call it the Iggy Burger. My lands.....

Fried Green Tomatoes

4 large green or even slightly orangey tomatoes
Salt
2 C. buttermilk
2 C. self-rising flour*
Fresh ground black pepper
Vegetable oil

Slice tomatoes 1/4" thick and salt on both sides; put in colander and let drain for 30 minutes. Heat oil in pan at least 1" deep to medium high...you want it to almost be smoking, and keep it hot. Using a fork, put drained tomatoes in the buttermilk, then into flour and coat well; carefully lay them into the hot oil, grind some pepper over them and fry until browned on the first side. Gently turn so as not to dislodge the coating and brown on the other side. Remove to a paper towel lined platter, then to a cooling rack so the coating doesn't sweat off, or directly onto your serving dish and eat immediately with heaps of vidalia onion relish. Or on a cheeseburger if you got the guts.

*if your self-rising flour has a grey layer in the container that you suspect is the waste of some kind of bug infestation, you can make your own with untainted all purpose flour by adding 1-1/2 tsp. baking powder and 1/2 tsp of salt per cup of flour and stirring it in.

Vidalia Onion Relish

2 Vidalia or sweet onions, peeled and diced
1/2 C. mayonnaise, plus another 1/4 C. later
1/2 C. seasoned rice vinegar
2 T. brown sugar
2 T. chives, chopped (I didn't have any, put in some parsley)

Mix all ingredients and let marinate in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. The vinegar and onion juice make this rather watery, so after it marinated, I dumped it in a strainer, removed most of the liquid, the re-introduced an additional 1/4 C. mayo into it with a dash of salt...voila!! Perfect creamy consistency, and I figured no added fat because I drained a lot of the original mayo out....and this sh** was so good I was eating it with a spoon....Handsome Stranger was horrified, but to me it tasted like candy. I also heaped a big spoonful on the one bite of a hot dog I could get down - I can think of nothing this would not be delicious on. A fudge brownie with peanut butter icing included. So yeah, anyway....serve in large spoonfuls on top of fried green tomatoes, and tell your pants they're lucky that green tomatoes are not available year round. Y'all come back now, y'hear??