Water, water everywhere, nary a drop to flush

We take a lot for granted in our lives, and are usually pulled up by the short hairs when things go awry and stuff doesn't work like it should. Recently we had such a day at our house....after working all day, then coming home and making pies for an auction, salad for a Cinco de Mayo lunch at work the next day, and throwing dinner together, I walked over to the sink to rinse something off and when I pulled up the handle on the faucet, nothing came out. Brain: "WTH?" Hand: "Do it again...you must have screwed it up!" Mouth: "HONEY....we don't have any water. Crap". Handsome Stranger looks at me from his easy chair with a blank stare. He gets up, follows me to the kitchen, and does the same thing I just did. Nothing. Mouth: "Wow. I never thought to try THAT"; he makes no comment to my smartassery, just shuffles off to find his shoes and a flashlight and heads out to the pump house. Pump comes on, buzzes for 5 seconds then shuts off. Hmmm. No gurgle, splash or trickle of water into the cistern, just a dry silence. Nuts.

We've lived with a well for about 15 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me that we are never prepared for it going down. Altho old-timey wells with a handle are nice at times like this, it's ever so much more pleasant to have one that does all the work for you....pumping enough water to use in a day would probably result in us all being musclebound freaks who have to tear the sleeves off every shirt we own. And it happens more than you'd think....we live in the black forest, have above ground electrical cables, and trees delight in falling or dropping their branches on wires just to pay us back for chopping down one of their friends and cremating the remains just to toast our marshmallows. Once we had one tiny branch that forked itself over the wire right near the house, and ice built up on it until it shorted out, burning entirely through one cable and causing a power surge that made all the lights go so bright that I thought the ATF was raiding us for two pellet pistols and some homemade kahlua in our possession. It was fine tho...the insurance company deemed our stuff too cheap to bother with covering so we cancelled our claim and got some cool new electronics that might be worth 30% of what we paid for it if it ever happens again. Not that I'm bitter...

I sat on the couch, and texted my boss, hoping for some sympathy and the words "Don't worry about coming in tomorrow, just take care of business and yourself". After several return texts taunting me about moving in with my mother, sharing a latrine in the woods etc, it dawned on me that I had recently purchased 2 cases of bottled water for just such an emergency....thanks to her callous insensitivity I was able to have coffee and a refreshing sponge bath before work the next morning with a bottle of Western Family's finest. I hear you're not supposed to wash your hair every day anyway, and that if you don't shower, eventually your natural musk stops trying to compete with your deodorant, soap and the like, and mellows to the point you only smell like a festering yak on those not-so-fresh days or after bucking hay bales and slopping pigs. And I hate washing dishes, so it's a win-win.

Later that morning the pump guy showed up at 9, did a couple tests and determined that, indeed, the pump was fried. Several hours later, a cute little "skylight" in the pump house roof, 245 feet of pipe, a new pump, and a bill which I have not yet been apprised of, and we are doin' the wave again....I flush, therefore I am. After droughts where we lugged dirty clothes to the laundromat, hauled water in a portable cistern with our truck that subsequently got a new transmission (You haul heavy water over the Sylvan hill every day and that is inevitable), and have to wash dishes BY HAND for months, and you too will tell The Man to do what he needs to get your water back, please and thank you very much.

Think of this as part service announcement (ALWAYS have a case of bottled water on hand, you will not begrudge one drop of it when your 23 year old son who lives at home and eats a lot of cheese and beans comes out of the bathroom and says "I wouldn't go in there if I was you" because the remaining water in the pipes was frivolously used by his elderly parents to take their medication). Also, make sure to pay the pump guy on time with a smile and write "THANK YOU" on the check - I"m sure they can find stock rooms to clean and company trucks to wash and detail before they come help you next time if you bitch about the bill. And how about a recipe that fits right in with this subject? Yup...it's got beans....

Chili Corn Bread Salad

This sounds really weird, and it's less like a salad and more like....well....I don't know, it's just weird. But if you never gave me a chance after my first post, you wouldn't be reading this right now, so see? Weird CAN work....

1 package corn muffin mix (8.5 oz?), prepared as per directions
1 can chopped green chilis (4 oz), undrained

1 C. mayonnaise
1 C. sour cream (I always use light...if you can find Breakstone it's da BOMB)
1 envelope ranch dressing mix

2 cans S&W Pinquitos, drained (you can use chili beans, just make sure they have sauce)
2 cans corn, drained, or 4 C. frozen corn, cooked, drained and cooled
3 medium tomatoes, chopped
1 C. green onion, thinly sliced (optional if your man is all whiny about it)
10 bacon strips, cooked crisp and crumbled
2 C. cheddar cheese, grated OR mexican blend from a bag

Mix cornbread according to instructions, but stir in the chilies and then spread in a greased pan the size the box says. Bake at 400 20 to 25 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean, let cool a bit. In a small bowl, combine mayo, sour cream and ranch mix, set aside. When cornbread is cool enough to handle, cut in half and break up half of it into another 9x13 pan or dish. Layer with half of EACH of the beans, mayo mixture, corn, tomatoes, onions, bacon and cheese; crumble the other half of the cornbread on top and then the other half of beans, mayo, corn, tomatoes, onion, bacon and cheese. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours, then have at it. So many flavors, but it just works....I just haven't figure out why they call it salad because it has everything to be a one dish meal - just extra delicious!

I have just succeeded in making myself very hungry, and Handsome stranger is gonna be late tonight...I gotta stop blogging before dinner. Maybe I should have a nice big glass of.....WATER?? Thanks pump guys!

Well, shut mah MOUTH!

I hate eating my words. If you know me, you are well aware....I am stubborn to a fault, and will defend myself ridiculously even if I'm the only one that sees the logic in my argument - if I think I'm right, you will have to play back the tape showing me otherwise to get me to cave. But I can admit when I'm wrong, even if it's through gritted teeth and an insincere smile - just don't say "I told you so" unless you want to eat only what you can suck through a straw until your new dental implants are ready.

A surprise call from my daughter in Georgia asking if we wanted to go to Disney world in a couple weeks kick-started our first real vacation in 7 years...I say if you don't fly somewhere or spend at least a full week away from home you're not on vacation, you're just hiding from work. After some discussion, we decided instead to fly to their home in Georgia so we could help get their house ready to put on the market, and next year we'll all go to Disney world from Oregon. That gives me a year to convince her that my grandson would much rather go to Hawaii or someplace where there are not a billion screaming kids and they don't have pay slots on the water fountains and a snickers bar is a hundred dollars. So off we headed to 10 fun-filled days of sweating in the humidity and heat of the land of peaches, peanuts, Baptist churches, Dollar Stores and Waffle Houses.

Since it was "vacation", we thought we would take a couple days from the honey-do list and go see the sights on the other side of our world, and set off for Savannah - being close to the ocean always appeals to me, and since even on the hottest days of the year in Oregon you still have to wear a bunny suit on the beach, I figured that it would be neato to go to one that was actually hot. And hot it was - 88 was smokin, as were my bare feet on sand that was near melting point. The water was disturbingly warm, like a bath but with crabs and jellyfish and Jaws lurking under every swell - but it was the only way to cool off, so I put my brave hat on and it was AWESOME! Handsome stranger took a photo of me coming back to his shady rest, and luckily for him it was a fair distance so I did not rip off his shutter finger and fling it to the great whites....no one needs to see that except people on a beach I will never run into again.

The second day we went into Savannah proper, and took a trolley tour of the towns 24 town squares. Now the trolley's have no windows...open air to afford you the full effect of the exhaust filled, 100 degree blast furnace with 90% humidity. LORDY it was hot! Near the end, we got off and walked a block to The Lady & Son's restaurant, because if you're in the South and you want to experience Southern cooking, Paula Deen jumps out from every corner holding a plate of some butter and cream infused heart-stopper and invites y'all to sit a spell until the button on your pants threatens to escape it's thread shackles and take a nearby fellow tourist's eye out. 3 floors and no wait (it was midway between lunch and dinner), and we were seated at a table for 5 that was neatly set with lace doilies at every place. I felt a disturbance in the Weight Watchers force, and when I saw "Buffet" on the menu, all bets were off.

I do not have cable, so I visit those who do and find ways to get them to turn to the Food Network to watch ANYTHING....they are more obstinate on Superbowl Sunday, but I usually get my way. One such time I watched my first Paula Deen show, and was APPALLED....the woman was a FRAUD. She made appetizers on the grill using Boboli Pizza crust, canned sauce, and SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.....BISQUICK. A Southerner using bisquick is worse than an Oregonian drinking a Coors with his free range alligator and hazelnut pesto pizza....it's a sin against nature. From that point on, Paula was my own personal whipping girl - an example of what is wrong with the explosion of cooking shows that offer quick and uninspired recipes to those who think they don't have time to cook REAL food, and will never try anything from "scratch" because Paula has an easier way. BAH!

So yeah, the buffet. I limited myself to one plate, one time through, and one salad plate, but it mattered not....the first thing they do after they take your drink order is to bring you a plate with a hoe cake and a garlic butter biscuit. I'm like "Pfft...probly bisquick", then promptly ate my hoecake and thought about throwing a dollar on the floor to distract Ethan so I could snag his too. When butter drips down your fingers and you haven't put any on it, you KNOW you're in trouble. Off to the buffet, where I judiciously took only things I wanted to try, and no more than a very reasonable amount of each. My choices were touching each other, but not all up in each others bizness...I did good (see pic above). Then a salad, and altho it was quite healthy, drowning it in what appeared to be the most amazing blue cheese dressing was not so much.

The chicken fried steak was incredible, the blue cheese dressing made me want to fill up my purse with it, but someday, if my dream comes true, I would like to compete in a contest where I am dunked in a vat of Paula's cream corn and have to eat my way out. I looked up the recipe online, and sure enough....butter and heavy cream were the supporting players....I didn't know it was corn until I pointed at it on my plate and asked the waiter through a mouthful WHAT hot, fine mess that was I was eating. I'm pretty sure my family will ask for two tables when they eat with me from now on....my daughter took pictures, and in every one my arms were blurs, my mouth in varying stages of shoveling, chewing, and dribbling goodness. (I fired her as the official photographer for the rest of the day)

So, in front of the world (OK, my small but merry band of blog followers), I would like to officially apologize to Paula for calling her a fraud. She can whip me up a batch of cream corn anytime, and if she also throws in some fried green tomatoes with vidalia onion relish, I will kiss her grits. And in her honor, I am offering up a very special recipe that I invented, one for sweet cornbread that is so good I thought about keeping it all to myself, but because of Paula, decided to share. And it has cornbread mix in it....not EVERYTHING has to be from scratch....

Best Damn Cornbread EVER

1 C. uncooked cornmeal
2 C. flour
1 C. corn muffin mix (I use bulk, Jiffy or Krusteaz would work fine)
1-1/3 C. sugar
2 T. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
4 eggs
1/3 C. butter, melted
2/3 C. oil
1 C. buttermilk
1 C. milk
1 C. frozen corn, divided

Preheat oven to 350. Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl, add eggs, butter, oil, buttermilk and milk and mix just until dry ingredients are mostly incorporated (it should still be lumpy). Put half the corn in a blender or food processor and process until a paste, add that and other half of corn to batter and mix just until blended. Pour into greased 9x13 pan and bake at 350 for 45-55 minutes or until golden brown and a toothpick comes out clean.

The first time I made this, it took several days before I could no longer stand seeing it on the counter and threw the rest in the freezer. I told my son if he wanted it, he would have to thaw it out and he gave me such a look...."Why in the freezer??" I told him "Because if I have to take it out of the freezer and thaw it out in the microwave, I will have to think about my poor decision long enough to change my mind." A few weeks later I pawned it off to my niece, who didn't really want it but didn't want to be rude and took it home. Her mom emailed me the next day and said they HAD to have the recipe....when I say Best Damn about anything, do not doubt me....enjoy, all y'all!

"So, what does this smell like to you?"

It is unhealthy the amount of time I spend thinking about food - I can be working on something totally unrelated in my cube at work, then someone opens the door to the lunchroom (mere feet away) and an aroma will wash over me and cause my brain to stutter. Some smells are good, some not, but some will make me lose my train of thought and start a landslide of thoughts, memories and ideas that tumble, one over the other, like a river of molten milk chocolate flowing over a bed of broken walnuts and marshmallow boulders.....mmmmmmmmm. I can't think, focus, or concentrate on anything else for minutes, maybe even longer - it's really a hazard for me to work so close to where food is heated and consumed - I have a severe case of CIS (Culinary Interruptus Syndrome) and there is no cure.

One such distraction is toast. The smell of toast always makes me think of my Grampa. My dad's dad, in his older years, made and ate toast all the time - it was probably because they took away his drivers license and the only machine they let him run was the damn toaster. So whenever I visited their house, it smelled like toast. Years after Grampa passed away, we bought his house and live there now, and I have, from time to time, thought maybe he was still around now and then. I would get up in the night now and then to answer nature's call, and I'd smell toast - it always made me wonder until I found out later that the kids would sometimes get up after we went to bed and have a snack....and toast was quick and easy. But I still think of Grampa when I smell toast.

Another is burnt popcorn. That's a bad one. We were popcorn artistes growing up, and we popped it in a pan on the burner...no sissy poppers for us. Linoleum, formica and carpeting be damned - we didn't always pay attention so occasionally we would go back to the kitchen after starting a pan of oil heating to a "light show"....I was smart, but not all my siblings had the superior intellect I did, and would attempt to carry a pan sporting 3 foot flames out to the deck...luckily Mom was good at treating burns, and I don't think she minded TOO much that she had to replace the gold shag carpet and hideous linoleum squares in the kitchen. But I think there's still a burn ring on the counter...I just put the pan there for a SECOND... Handsome stranger burns his on purpose in the microwave, but just a little scorched....I told him he had to put a microwave on the deck if he wanted to truly torch it - it's a horrible smell.

What's my fave? Cookies are oh so good, a turkey roasting is heaven, but if you want to take me to your leader, put some homemade bread in the oven and I'll go there no questions asked. It's the smell of happiness to me - sure I want to slather it with butter and eat it until my belly button goes from an innie to an outie, but just the smell is a gift in itself. I don't care for Subway, but once in the store can hardly think because of the smell of that bread cooking. I can't go to Olive Garden because they don't have a conveyor belt to drop a warm delish bread stick onto my plate every 30 seconds and they get all testy if you start pounding your shoe on the table and chanting "bread STICK, bread STICK, bread STICK". It's not a mystery to me why Jesus comes to us mere mortals in the form of bread....it is also a divine creation. (note: please do not lecture me on that last seemingly sacrilegious statement, I am fully aware that a slice of warm sourdough does not have divine powers, nor do I really believe that Killer Dave's Blues Buns in any way shape or form is comparable to Christ our Lord...it was just a simile.)

Easter is almost upon us, and we will be feasting on roast turkey and ham in honor of His rising from the dead, and I decided that cheesy potatoes would be an appropriately fine side dish to pay Him laud. And because I can't stop thinking about them after having them at my great-niece Mazy's birthday BBQ last weekend. Even before I tasted them, the smell drove me mad and I wanted to bury my face in that crock pot.....I have no idea how I was able to keep my portion size to no more than 1/3 cup, but think it was the uber deliciousness of it that satisfied in limited quantities. It's very simple too, and altho I have some ideas for variations (pepper jack, little smokies, bacon, Swiss and ham...), Sunday it's gonna be straight up cheesy...I can't wait.

Jami's Cheesy Potatoes

5 lbs. frozen shredded hash browns
1 cube butter (that's a half cup), melted
1 C. chopped onion (optional, Joe doesn't like em so they didn't have any and no one cared)
1 pint (that's 2 cups) sour cream
2 C. grated cheese (I assume it was cheddar, but I think you could go wild here)
1 large can cream of mushroom soup (not the regular can, the BIG one)
Salt & Pepper

Mix everything together, throw it all in a big crock pot and cook on high about 1 hour, then turn to warm until heated through and you're ready to serve. (UPDATE: After I nearly froze my hands off trying to mix the frozen hash browns with the other ingredients, someone told me you can just pour them over the top, then stir it halfway through. DUH) You can also put it in a buttered casserole or 9x13 and bake at 350 for around 45 minutes....that will make it more brown on top.

Yup, that's it....easy peasy, and so delicious you will forget your name. I thought it would be really good to use a spoon and scoop dents out of it, the put a cracked egg in each dent and bake it until the egg was set, but Handsome Stranger looked at me like I offhandedly remarked that I should top it with crushed eggshells and coffee grounds...fine, eggs on the side. Ooooh....salsa would be good too! I guess that means it's time to make dinner....and Happy Easter, y'all!

Tack-O's or Who-AY-vo's Ranchero's?

Diversity is important in our world today - you can't throw a rock in Washington County without hitting a restaurant, cafe, or food cart peddling food from another culture. And I don't mean yogurt...altho some of them are actually serving that too. But then I don't really consider McD's to be terribly diverse....unless you count the occasional nod to the South with the McRib. Which bears zero resemblance to anything even closely related to the real thing....it's like they have a gigantic machine that looks like Ronald's head that they throw whole pigs in and it chews them up and spits them out into weird, pseudo-rib shaped patties to be boiled and then re-heated with a sauce that would make your dog tuck tail and run the other way. Oh, and pickles...because southerners always eat pickles with their ribs....right before the cucumber sandwich course and after the vichyssoise (tater soup for the snooty).

Growing up, my only experience with Mexican food was tacos, and a couple times those canned tamales wrapped in paper. A few years back, I found a book at Goodwill about food in Minnesota. They touched on Mexican food and talked about "Tack-O's" made with meat, cheese and ketchup. I was laughing so hard people were looking at ME weird....in GOODWILL. You have to be pretty special for Goodwill shoppers to think you're odd - I should know, I've shopped there for years. I still regret to this day that I did not buy that book for my SIL from the land of 1000 lakes, but I was afraid she would be insulted and call me a hoser, don'tcha know. Anyway, we had tacos regularly, and they were simple and different from what other white people had...we bathed the corn tortillas in hot oil just to soften them, then added ground beef with taco seasoning (I grew to hate it and refuse to use it anymore), cheddar cheese, lettuce, fresh tomato, chopped onion and ALWAYS Rosarita taco sauce. Yum.

I still eat them to this day, I just adjust a bit so my ass doesn't rival the Alamo in size and shape. I use ground turkey, seasoned as per my friend Jennifer with garlic, lime and a little salt, use those itty bitty tortillas, and just spray them on both sides and heat in the pan. I also have to pull back on cheese (sigh), so I use extra sharp so a little goes a long way. And I skip the sauce/salsa...I like the freshness of just tomato - I can't eat off taco trucks because they season their meat with something that should come in a flame thrower..."tastes like burning" is my wussy sentiment.

An old friend who was half German, half Mexican and who gave me the cottage cheese noodles and bacon recipe once told me to bring in my "salsa" and she would bring hers, so I whipped up a batch of deliciousness and brought it in for lunch. She quite insulting sneered at my offering and said "That's PICO, THIS is salsa" and whipped out this soupy, full of weird vegetables bowl of strangeness. Stung by the slam, and ready to blow it in her face, I took a chipful of it and put it in my mouth....I'm pretty sure I saw Our Lady of Guadalupe before it even hit my stomach - never had such a delicioso concoction, and I was hooked. Not that I don't like Pico, this was just an entirely different animal. She told me her fave breakfast was huevos rancheros with that salsa, and she reeled me in - for whatever reason, eggs with tomatoes are an incredible pair, and adding beans, cheese and a big margarita for breakfast makes your day go so much better!

So here is the recipe for Viki's Salsa, followed by my version of Huevos Rancheros - its quite delicious, and if you don't like eggs, just eat the salsa with the tortilla and beans...but you're missin' OUT.

Viki's Salsa

I didn't learn this with amounts, and it always turns out fine, but I'll give you some estimates in case you're afraid to experiment...but I'm pretty sure it won't matter in the end - you would be hard pressed to screw this up. Well, most of you.

Roma tomatoes - 3-4 lbs. YES, Roma's - they have less juice
Bell Peppers or any mild pepper - Anaheims, banana...probly 6-12ish?
Yellow onion, 2 to 3 large
Cilantro, one or two bunches
Garlic, probably up to a whole head
Cumin
Salt/Pepper
Water (as needed)

First you want to roast the peppers - do it on the BBQ, or in a broiler - just cook until they are blackened, the throw in a paper bag and close the top for a few minutes - it will steam the skins loose and you can rub it off under cold running water. Some skin is OK, and bits of black make you look all fancy. Cut out the top and the seeds/veins, then slice into long strips.

Peel onion, quarter and slice. Divide cilantro in half, rinse really well and chop coarsely, but don't use the stems past the leafy part of the bunch. Core tomatoes (I use a tomato shark, which is the worlds coolest tool...see picture), then slice and chop coarsely. Put everything in pan except half the cilantro, and cook over medium heat about 20-30 minutes, adjusting seasoning to your liking. Don't be a wuss about the cumin - I did not care for it before this, but you need to be able to taste it and it may take a lot. Add water if it's too thick...it should be slightly more soupy than most prepared salsas. At the very end, add the rest of the cilantro - adds a fresh kick of flavor that makes it! I freeze this in 2 cup containers (i.e, used sour cream containers I can mark "Viki's Salsa" and then throw away when I've used it up) - I have some I just used that is at least 2 years old, and it tastes like fresh!

Huevos Rancheros

Viki's Salsa
Corn tortillas (I prefer white...so much for diversity)
Refried beans (from a can is fine - don't judge me)
Eggs
Cheese (that cool crumbly Mexican cheese would be da bomb, but I mostly use cheddar)
Oil for frying

Heat Salsa, keep warm. Heat beans, keep warm. Heat a half inch of oil in a small skillet over medium high heat until hot, slip in tortillas one at at time and fry on both sides until golden brown and crunchy. Use a metal spat and press them down to flatten out and eliminate the worst bubbles - but be careful, they can spit and make you spend mucho hours in the laundry room with a bottle of Shout - then drain on paper towels. When you have enough for the number of eggs you're SURELY cooking, drain the oil from the pan, let it cool a minute, then start frying eggs. That is classic, over easy/medium/hard (gross), one egg per tortilla - if you really want you can scramble them too. Spread a thin layer of beans on each tortilla, top with one egg each, then a big spoonful of salsa and a sprinkling of cheese. Serve with some fresh fruit and a cup of coffee and a liberal hosing off of Tabasco if you like tasting nothing but Tabasco...it'll rock your hacienda!

Just loafin' around...

Meat is primal - altho you can buy it in plastic wrapped packages in your local grocery store, or in white paper packages from a real butcher, you can also head out into the wild and kill you some before it eats you. Just stay far away from petting zoo's...not good form to bag a bunny in front of Mrs. Jeffries kindergarten class while they're on a field trip. And if you do, for GOODNESS sake, DON'T gut and skin it there. Mrs. Jeffries is spunky as hell and will take you OUT.

We were city folk growing up, but I think we ate some weird stuff - altho Handsome Stranger just scoffs when I say that. He grew up on a farm, who's mission statement is "Waste not, want not" and ""Why yes, I WAS born in a barn, why do you ask?" They ate everything, including the oink....and I believe it after reading the Little House series compulsively over a 40 year span. I was grossed out, but intrigued...I would still love to eat a pig's tail roasted over a fire - to me that IS the oink! I told him we had to eat cans of salmon that were full of bones and what a pain it was to pick out all the vertebrae so you didn't get a wayward "crunch", and he just laughed in my face - his mom just drained the whole can and smashed it all up with a fork and made crunchy salmon salad with mayo *hork, gag* OK, OK...you WIN!!

They were poor, but so were we, and we didn't have animals wandering around just begging to be eaten, so my parental units had to make do with whatever was cheap and plentiful. They had a few weird stores they would go to occasionally, and one time they scored on Majesty Luncheon Meat. MLM is actually generic Spam...frankly, I don't know that you could tell the difference without the can - chopped ham is chopped ham. At first we loved it sliced and fried, and ground up with raw onion, pickles, mayo and a little mustard in a sandwich, and I always dreamed of growing up someday and making the creation on the back of the can where you sliced it not quite all the way through and stuck half pineapple slices in between and baked it in the oven. It looks so ELEGANT. Luckily I came to my senses when I turned 11 or so - they bought a LOT of it and I finally could take no more - PBJ was never a fave, but I learned to love it during the MLM fiasco.

My kids worst food memories center around the humble turkey wiener - good source of cheap protein, comes in a convenient shape for easy eating, and so cheap you wonder why they're practically giving them away...until you ate about 400 of 'em. Disguising the dread TW was an art, and I apparently flunked finger painting....my offspring were smart so you could only trick them a couple times before they caught on. "Mmmmm....chees - HEY, is this what I THINK it is??!!" Smart aleck kids. I cannot, I will not, EVER eat a turkey weenie again - if it's that or starve, I will bid you adieu for eternity. Especially since I now read labels and would never willingly put anything in my body that is made from "mechanically separated" anything - BAH!!

Wasn't planning on doing this, but a recent facebook post is sure to trigger a landslide of requests for the BEST MEATLOAF EVER, so I figured I'd get a jump on it. I know a lot of people refuse to eat anything in loaf form unless it's bread, and that it's unnatural to form a loaf of anything else. No more unnatural than your Great Gramma's titan red hair or that flap of fiber that twists in the wind on your Uncle Manny's previously bald head...just not something you would bring up in polite conversation. I think meatloaf is an art, and I have uncovered a Picasso that he painted before AND after he cut off his ear. But there is no ear in it...promise.

BEST MEATLOAF EVER

I am going to share this with the original ingredients in (these things) - that way if you don't give a rip how many points you eat and you want meatloaf that will make your head spin like Regan in that very bad movie we were not allowed to watch, you can do so. I highly recommend both versions - I just can't eat the bad one anymore. And have some trust - I wouldn't shit you, the turkey version is wildly delicious, and will someday be on the menu in my own restaurant. So no fair putting it on yours, you know who you are (Lynn).

Olive oil or butter Pam spray (2 T. butter)
1 carrot, diced
1 large rib of celery, diced
1 small onion, diced
2-4 cloves garlic, minced
2 lbs. ground turkey, 93/7% (1.5 lbs. lean ground beef & 1/2 lb. ground pork*)
1 cup fine, soft bread crumbs from two slices of bread
1 egg & 1 egg white (2 eggs)
1/3 C. milk
2 T. Worcestershire
1 T. cider vinegar
2 T. prune juice (2-4 prunes, minced)
1/2 tsp. allspice
2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. fresh ground black pepper
2 T. BBQ sauce

Spray large skillet (or melt butter) and saute veggies until soft. In large bowl, put bread crumbs and milk, then add turkey, egg, Worcestershire, vinegar, prune juice, and spices and mix well with your hands or a potato masher. (I use gloves - no matter how much I scrub under my nails I am sure there is raw turkey under there and altho I used to eat raw hamburger, that's just gross) Throw in the soft veggies and mix quickly so it cools off fast, divide into two loaf pans and smooth tops, put 1 T. BBQ sauce on top of each and spread over top evenly. Bake at 350 for about one hour...it may be done before then - you can temp it to 155 if you want. Drain off as much of the liquid as possible and let cool with a hot pad under one end so the fat/juice doesn't suck back into the meat...it will still be nice and moist. Let cool at least 15 minutes so it won't fall apart, serve with mashed potatoes and some peas for a traditional fave - I made some brown gravy I just invented and it was da BOMB. (2 tsp. butter, 2 Tbsp. flour, 2 C. hot water, some onion soup mix, a little beef bouillon, a dash of Worcestershire, a dash of dark soy and the drippings from the meatloaf...boil until it reduces into a gravy that will be thin but coat a spoon) I got 12 slices from each loaf, which works out to 2 points plus per slice - suh-WEET.

My all time favorite sandwich is....duh, MEATLOAF. So tomorrow, I will be happier than a pig in mud, and everyone will be sooooooo jealous...and no tradesies. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is pitiful. Oink.

*Note about original recipe: It also contained 1/4 lb. bacon, cut in 1/4" strips, and you put them in the food processor with the prunes to chop it all finely. It was VERY good, but you really don't want to lick the spatula after cleaning out the bowl.

The Nut House

So when I was growing up, in the 60's (yes, I know, you weren't even born yet), things were less scary out in the world - we were basically turned loose to wander our surroundings, explore, play, and find our way back when we had exhausted all possibilities of fun to be had, AND it was getting dark and we were hungry. Sometimes we'd go back out in the dark after dinner and play some more until Mom noticed we weren't cleaning our room/doing homework/washing the mountain of dirty dishes and holler at us that it was time to come in. Mom's are NO FUN.

The same went for when we went shopping - I loved it because it gave me new and different places to explore - her regular haunts were Portland and Beaverton, and besides every Goodwill, Union Gospel Mission and Salvation Army in a 50 mile radius, our doctor's office was upstairs at Lloyd Center, so we went there a LOT. Five kids can keep you in tongue depressors and hypodermics (remember when they used to take the needle out and give it to you to play with?) continually - I think for the entire 60's at least one of us had strep at any given time. And we could recite 10 years of Highlights by rote...I always had a secret crush on Goofus, the original "bad boy".....Gallant was such a Momma's boy.

I LOVED Lloyd Center...Mom would take child "D" to the doctor, and the rest of us would scatter in the mall - we fought over who pushed the elevator buttons, would check for security and try to run up the down escalator all the way to the top before someone boarded at the top or suspicious and un-fun loving adults would start paying too much attention to us, or we simply collapsed part way up from running in one place too long and laughing hysterically at how stupid we looked. It was also fun to watch the ice skaters, especially from the bridge. Skating looked like fun, but I wanted to drive the Zamboni - I would've cleaned up that ice in record time, AND popped a few wheelies in the process.

My most favorite thing to do, however, was to go to Morrow's Nut House. The same every time, but like it was the first time EVERY time - it was a candy store like no other, because it also sold nuts. EVERY kind of nut, kept in a heated display case lined up neatly, the smell unbelievable - WOOF. We would occasionally have some pocket change, and would irritate the hell out of the salespeople asking for 1/8th or 1/4 lb or 37 cents worth of whatever we could afford - the bbq peanuts were cheap and delicious, but my favorite was the chili pepitas - pumpkin seeds are possibly the greasiest nut known to man, but SO good...and they were also dangerous because they were quite pointy on one end and could stick in the roof of your mouth if you weren't careful. The gold standard was pistachios, but they were too dear - but there is nothing like the memory of eating a tiny handful of them, and having pink stained fingers, lips and tongue from cracking the shells open. They always used to be dyed red...probably until they determined that kids were falling like flies to whatever cancer that dye caused. Mmmmmm....red #3. But to this day, the memory of a warm sack of nuts...stop your giggling, I'm SERIOUS!! FINE...maybe when you GROW UP...

They also made candy, and had a huge glassed in kitchen where they cooked caramel in a huge copper bowl over a flame, stirring with a big wooden paddle, and sometimes you'd get to watch while they dipped apples on a stick into that bowl and come up with them dripping in thick, creamy caramel and line them up on the counter to set. Some they would dip in a big tray of chopped nuts - I think the signs to "DO NOT touch the glass" were there because of us....and I NEVER got one of those damn caramel apples - if she had to buy one for me, she'd have to buy one for ALL of us...WHY couldn't I have been born of a single-child PROTESTANT family??!! I don't think I've ever bought a caramel apple in my 50+ years....guilt and poverty run deep I guess.

So yeah, this has nothing to do with anything, I just went to Lloyd Center today, and the only nuts there were people actually talking to the guy at the card table next to the Chevy Cruze...which is a decent looking car, but it ain't no Camaro. And now I am going to perform a magic trick, and pull a recipe right outta my arse...voila!

Chocolate No-Bake Cookies

Once again, I am dissing a very old family standard for an upstart newcomer I got a few years ago from a co-worker. Can't help it, they're just better, and there is no "Will it/won't it set up?" question....works every time! Thanks nurse Michelle....since I got this from a medical professional, I also firmly believe they are quite healthy...if you disagree, SHUT IT.

In a large bowl, combine:
3 C. QUICK oats (what did I say about subbing? Don't make me get the wooden spoon...)
3/4 to 1 C. peanut butter - creamy, chunky, I do not care
2 tsp. vanilla

Set aside.

In medium saucepan, combine:
1 cube margarine (yes, killer margarine, NOT butter)
2 C. sugar
4 T. cocoa powder
1/2 C. milk (see? Milk is healthy...)

Heat over medium heat stirring often until well mixed. Turn up to med high, stirring constantly; when it comes to a full, rolling boil (that means it still keeps boiling even if you blow on it until you turn blue and pass out, narrowly missing the corner of the island with your noggin) and count to 15...."One thousand one, one thousand two, one thous..." Just do it. After you get to 15, pour hot mixture over contents of large bowl (remember the oats?) and mix well. As quick as you can, start dropping by spoonfuls onto waxed paper or foil, let cool and harden as long as you can stand.

They actually look like something you might find in a barnyard, something possibly created by an animal that eats oats, but don't let that fool you...they are too good even to throw in the community swimming pool mid August as a joke that will clear the pool and force the hunky lifeguard to don a bunny suit and glove and fish it out with a long handled net and make all the neighbor kids find some other form of entertainment for the next couple days while they empty, sanitize and refill the pool. Not that I know anything about that kind of shenanigans....

He who smelt it, dealt it.

I AM AWESOME. Just wanted to get that out of the way. My first non-work day of Spring Break (I work within the Education Sytem, therefore I get approximately 200 paid days off a year AND I don't even have to work with booger eaters) and I have already achieved greatness. This morning after I made coffee and took a shower, I packed a healthy lunch for Handsome Stranger, sent him on his way because SOMEONE has to work, then proceeded to commence with my list O' tasks for the day:

Clean house
Do taxes
Make soup

I'm sure you are scoffing...."No way is she gonna do all that on a day off - I bet she'll be on fb all day, probably eating peanut butter from a spoon that she dips in the open bag of chocolate chips the whole time". HA. The peanut butter was in Son #2's room, therefore no longer safe as I did not notice a stock of clean butter knives or spoons nearby, leading me to believe he either uses his finger or possibly a screwdriver to satisfy the passing pb urge. GROSS. Also, I used up all the chocolate chips making cookies for someone...I forget who, but you can be sure it wasn't me. I used up all MY points on Skinny Cow ice cream sammiches - they are low fat, and if you eat 4 and can't have your dinner, so be it....don't judge me.

And since the intranet was down this morning, and my calls to Frontier went unsatisfied (found out later about 10 thousand of us were out), I set to the tasks at hand. I cleaned, I vacuumed, I dusted, I put everything away that all the slobs in my house apparently think magically find their way back to their homes so they can find them when needed...I even did the dishes - WOW. Which was somewhat backwards Karma-ic since I was about to make a whole bunch more dirty ones. I cleaned out the produce drawers, went into chop-o-matic mode and got a big pot of beef barley on to simmer for a couple hours. Then I make a quickie turkey/veggie/orzo soup for my lunch, and had a nice lunch break, determining that daytime TV is a total wasteland and that there was a kleenex I missed under the couch.

Moved on to some paper shuffling, finding all the pieces needed to do my taxes, some more cleaning and bed-stripping and laundry, and then back to the kitchen to check on the soup. PERFECTO...I am lovin' beef with barley! And since it's still early, I decide to throw caution to the wind and whip up some chili - Handsome Stranger loves it too, and fiber is so good for him! Not so much for the rest of us tho....I try to direct him to face TOWARD open flame for a day or so after a big bean fest. That and I buy tons of stock in Diamond Matches and Yankee Candle. Came out marvelous, as usual, and I even got a good part of the taxes done while it cooked! Too bad it looks like I'm paying this year...Uncle Sam must need something REALLY important if he's asking ME for money, I tell you. Wonder if he'd accept chili in trade??

This is a nice and healthy chili - and it is MADE FROM SCRATCH. You need to learn how to cook beans in case there is ever a national emergency and you have to stand in line to get rations of stuff like dry beans, rice, and vodka. Or in case you go on Survivor. And it is frightfully low in fat - you will have to add some to it if you want a grease stain on your Sunday-best flannel.

Turkey Chili

Step 1 - Bean soak:

2 lbs. PINK BEANS They are pink, and medium sized...don't use pintos, they are not right for chili, trust me. If you're really anal, go ahead and check the beans for rocks/pebbles...I never do, I just tell the kids it's a prize, and they get a new toothbrush, dental floss, and a shiny new filling if they find one. In a large pot, cover 2" above level of beans with cold water, bring to a boil and boil for 2 minutes. Take pan off burner, cover and let stand 1 hour.

Step 2 - Cook beans:

Dump beans in a colander, rinse pan and beans until they drain clear, dump back in pan and cover with cold water again to 2" above bean level. Add:

1 very large onion (3 cups chopped)
4 jalepeno peppers, seeded and chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped

Stir and bring to boil, turn heat down and simmer covered, 1 to 1.5 hours, or until beans are tender. Make sure they're fully cooked...adding salt before they're done can make for hard beans. I don't make this crap up, it's happened to me...then you have to cook it FOREVER. Once the beans are nice and tender, you're ready to chili it up!

Step 3 - Chili it UP!:

To the cooked beans (and liquid), add:

1 lb. ground turkey, browned (don't drain it - that is your only fat in this)
15 oz. can tomato sauce
6 oz. can tomato paste
28 oz, can diced tomatoes, blended or processed (I HATE big chunks of tomato in chili)
4 oz. can chopped green chilies
1/3 C. chili powder
1 tsp. hot chili powder (optional)
2 tsp. cumin
1-2 tsp. dried oregano
2 tsp. salt
Fresh ground pepper (optional)

Bring to a boil, stirring constantly, turn down to simmer and let cook at least 30 minutes to develop the flavors, or longer if you want to make it even thicker. This would be good with big slabs of cornbread and butter, or like when I was a kid, a big stack of saltines to smash up over it, or you could ladle it over a bowl of fritos, top with cheese & sour cream and call it good. It's great in an omelet, on an open-faced burger or a hot dog (altho I don't put chili with beans on hot dogs anymore...try the coney sauce recipe and you'll know why), not to mention a few scoops mixed with your mac and cheese...it's a soup, it's a sauce, it's a topping - and only 5 points plus per cup! And for entertainment later, you can go outside with a lighter and an ice pack and light up the night sky....I would not recommend it for the uber hairy, however.