Is That a Banana in Your Pocket?

I have decided that food knows no season - just because it's July is no reason to say that making a pumpkin pie is ridiculous....your MOM is ridiculous. Yes, having certain foods at specific times of the year might make them more special, but they also make you want to eat so much of it because it's going to be another 364 days before it crosses your path again that it makes you so sick of it you don't care it's only there once a year. Where's the fun in that? I say whip up a batch of divinity in August....BBQ ribs and baked beans in February, and banana bread once a month - you know there are always a couple black ones lying around creating a colony of fruit flies, so you might as well use them to your advantage.

My personal food seasons are as follows:

January: New Year's Eve Asian buffet. All homemade, all delicious and I count it as January because that's when the calories actually take hold in the form of cellulite on my hindquarters.

February: Valentines Day romantic dinner for two. Also homemade because I hate going to restaurants on a day when everyone else is there, and if I do it at home I get a GREAT tip.

April: Easter. Turkey, ham, all the trimmings and baskets full of candy...that and Polish Dish with some kind of sweet offering for breakfast and you'll be in a food coma until the next food season.

May: AnnivirthdayPalooza. Handsome Stranger's birthday is the 26th, mine the 28th, our lovely daughters is the 25th, and our anniversary is on the 26th so HS would have trouble forgetting. Cake, cake and more cake, plus the obligatory anniversary dinner and we can gain a dozen pounds in the span of only 4 days. But what a way to go.

July: Independence from hunger. Yeah, yeah, yeah....you know it's really about the BBQ so don't be calling me unpatriotic. I will fight for my right to eat red and blue jello with non-dairy whip.

September: Labor Day. In honor of the type of pains we will have after yet another gut-busting BBQ meant to signal the final throes of summer and Jimmy Hoffa's birthday or something.

October: Halloween. Candy. Period.

November: Thanksgiving. As in thanks for all we stole from the Native Americans just because we were big bullies and wanted it....but now we are fatter and slower and if they ever decided to rise up against us and take back what was rightfully theirs we would probably hand over the remote for a handful of skittles and a bag of Artisan Roasted Garlic and Black Bean Tostitos. OK, maybe not YOU, but I would certainly think about it.

December: DUH. This is the longest and most sustained calorie dump of the year...it lasts from the moment all the dishes are put back in the hutch from Thanksgiving and ends only when you shove the tree out the front door on it's way to cremation city and the last candy cane snaps under your foot and you claim 5 second rule and suck it to a sharp point to stickily poke the nearest annoyed family member before crunching the last of it's minty goodness until next year.

Whew. I think I gained 4.8 pounds just typing this. AND it made me hungry - no, it actually just made me want to eat. Like most everything does. However, after this most recent food season, where I abandoned most of my ideals about eating healthy and not overindulging in the horrifically calorific until my scale read out stopped showing numbers and just spelled out "REALLY??", I realized that it's a fools game and I am the grand prize winner. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to think fondly of the nanaimo bars Handsome Stranger's boss sent home, the 3 pounds of gummy bears my children gifted me with, or the berry pie, rocky road, and pecan caramels I MADE MYSELF when I am eating steaming piles of unsalted vegetables and drinking water like a camel in a sandstorm for the next couple weeks to take it all back off again. Sheesh...you'd think I'd learn.

So listen to my wisdom, and mix things up a bit....maybe if I had banana bread in March for a new food holiday, then again between Labor Day and Halloween I would not have eaten an entire loaf of it myself, including a bit of butter and cream cheese here and there. Although I dare you to not eat an entire loaf of this...a lovely friend shared this with me as she makes it every year to give as Christmas gifts to her friends and family, and it is in my recipe binder in the category "BEST EVER" offerings. It will take samples and a miracle to beat this one....it is exceptional and don't think you can...but I'm more than willing to judge any and all attempts you want to send my way.

Sour Cream Banana Bread Ala Ros

1/4 C. sugar

1 tsp. cinnamon

3/4 C. butter, softened

3 C. sugar

3 eggs

6 ripe bananas, mashed

16 oz. (2 C.) sour cream

2 tsp. vanilla

2 tsp. cinnamon

1/2 tsp. salt

1 T. baking soda

4-1/2 C. flour

1 C. chopped walnuts OR macadamia nuts as per Ros (opt.)

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Grease 4 loaf pans (I used the regular sized foil ones, then the metal ones I bought last year because son #2 wanted to make lots of bread and needed metal pans - they both worked great), then mix the 1/4 c. sugar and 1 tsp. cinnamon and use to coat greased pans with. Trust me....this is a highlight that is ridiculously simple AND delicious....my daughter and I nearly got into a slap fight over cutting the sides and bottom of the bread off before the other could get to it first.

In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until fluffy, then add eggs and beat well, pour in smashed bananas, sour cream, vanilla cinnamon, salt and baking soda and mix until well blended and smoothish. Beat in flour until mixed, then fold or mix in nuts if you are using them. I did not....nuts add a LOT of calories/points plus, and altho I love walnuts in banana bread, I decided to try it without. Ros uses macadamia nuts for a little Island flair, and although it was good, to me it was just nuts, and unless I can tell they're macadamias, I'm not going to spend 15 bucks a pound to add them. If I did, I would probably toast them in some butter in a skillet to bring out the flavor...but this bread is a wonder nutless (hahaha), so that's how I will probably always make it.

Measure even amounts into each pan...I use a scoop and do one in each pan until I get down to the last of the batter....just make them sort of even so they bake at the same rate. Put them in the oven, not touching each other or the sides and bake at least an hour, or until a toothpick comes out clean when you poke them in the center. Let them cool a bit, then turn out and finish cooling on their sides on a rack....if you leave them in the pan too long it will make the cinnamon sugar sweaty on the bottom and you'll be reduced to scraping it out with your finger because your tongue isn't long enough to get down into the bottom of the loaf pan.

The sour cream is what really makes this bread....don't be tempted to under cook because you won't need to....if that pick comes out clean, the bread will still be so moist it's between a bread and a really good cake - and the cinnamon sugar on the sides and bottom give it a caramelized sugary crunch that will make your eyes spin in your head....SO good! It's good hot, warm, cold, frozen, stale, and probably moldy although I dare you to have any last long enough for any self respecting microbe to take root in it....one bite and you'll be hooked so hard you'll sell your grandmothers Charles and Di tea towels for a bag of black bananas for the next fix. And I will be right there with you, a stick of butter and a tub of cream cheese with a snowman-handled spreading knife....aaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

It's a GIRL!!!

I guess I can't proclaim myself an expert on raising girls since I only have the one, but I was one myself, so I think I can take a little from that experience and the fact that I came out alive on this end of 18 and say that I'm at least semi-pro. My first-born and only female child has been on the other side of the country (might have just as well been the universe) for almost 13 years, so when she and my 10 year old grandson moved back to Oregon in September, I was tickled pink. And they are living IN OUR HOUSE....I think that's fitting, at least for now since she has deprived me of her company and my grandson for this long. I will never tire of being a grammaand wish that I had more than one to spoil, side with against his mom, and teach him bad words (it was an ACCIDENT).

We have similarities, she and I; I don't think either one of us leaps into friendship easily, probably in part because of a couple hard hits in childhood, but when someone does crack our hard candy shell, you can pretty much be sure that they'll be front and center at our funeral, crying and laughing harder than anyone else in the room. We have the same snarky sense of humor, and we are both extremely common-sensical - we both like things the way we like them, and God help anyone who gets in the way of that.

On the other hand, my lovely daughter has FAR more patience that I ever did or will have with her child, she is FAR more independent and fearless than me (Holy hand-grenades, Batman - she joined the ARMY), and I think she has a much more creative soul than I do. Sure I like to cook, but because of a LOT of food experience/exposure, I think I know what will work and what won't, but it's really stolen from others. I can pull a rabbit out of my hat, with a sweet cherry andSyrah reduction, roasted garlic, fried sage and Asiago mashed Yukon Golds and butter browned julienned Brussels sprouts with toasted hazelnuts, but most of the time someone else put it in there. I don't think either one of us knows what we want to be when we grow up, but have vague thoughts that it should involve writing, and/or comedy...and for me cooking for sure. I think it's about time the Food Network acquired a stand-up chef with excellent spelling skills.

She has been gone a looooong time - an average once a year visit from one end or the other and 13 years flew by. She was already so grown up (from 6th grade on), but she matured in that time, found love, a new home, new interests, and even became a mother, all without us there. And never seemed to be scared or worried about anything - she is either the greatest actress of all time, or she really IS that independent....and having a partner who leaves for year at a shot over and over pretty much cements that notion. But family is family, and I think she realized just like I did when she left that she was missing out - you can email, call, even visit from time to time all you want, but it ain't the same as BEING THERE. And in my opinion life is too short to throw that away unless you have a REALLY good reason. And what that would be I have NO idea.

It's different having a kid in the house, adding two more bodies to a one-bathroom home, and doubling the female hormone level...tread lightly, you who leave the seat up, your comeuppance has just doubled. I know that we can't always agree, that there will be bickering and petty annoyances for us all from time to time, but it matters not. On the walls of every cubicle I have had in the last 12 years, I have two midnight blue post it notes I laminated and neatly trimmed with Velcro on the back so they'll stick to fabric walls. Written with a metallic pen and covered with stars and hearts, one says "Queen of the Universe", and the other "I *heart* you Mom, Becky". I see them 5 days a week, all day, every day, I remember exactly where I was and what she looked like when she made them, and they are constant reminders of just how much I missed her.

(Author's note: I started this blog before she arrived, and it was here I had to go find Kleenex) When she was in boot camp, she sent home letters detailing her experiences, and I put them in a binder and read them once in while. She was really homesick at first - I didn't expect that, so it was really hard to read about it. One night she was on a bus with a bunch of other prospective girl soldiers, waiting to go off to the next destination, and she wrote that she started to cry when the girl next to her (who she was sure thought she was crazy) started biting her fingernails and spitting them on the seat in front of her just like I do. It was the closest I came to getting on a plane and flying to that base and telling them it was all a mistake, she wasn't supposed to be there and had to come home with me NOW. I still can't read that without having an allergy attack.

I was told early on I could NOT send goodies from home during basic, and to please not send her anything but letters because you had to do push ups even for those, and they were really mean if someone got a package. I think she moved on to her language training before I was allowed to send anything, and the first was a big box of cookies....her favorite included. I think I cut the recipe out of the paper, but never tried them because they seemed kind of "meh", but she did on a whim and they were wonderful - light, slightly crispy, and so delicately flavored with coconut and vanilla. Some things are happy accidents (well, unless they involve Angry Birds and a potty-mouth gramma...) - maybe you can put these in your Christmas cookie rotation this year, just call em snowflakes and dream of your world being covered in them when you wake up tomorrow....

Becky's Coconut Crisps

1 C. butter, softened (2 cubes)

1 C. sugar, plus extra for sprinkling

1 egg

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. almond extract

2 C. flour

1/2 baking soda

1/2 salt

2 C. flaked coconut

Preheat oven to 325. In a large bowl, beat butter a little, then add 1 C. sugar and beat until fluffy; add egg and extracts and beat until well combined. Add baking soda and salt and mix, then add flour and beat until combined, add coconut and mix well.

Using a cookie scoop or two spoons, drop by heaping tablespoon onto a greased or parchment lined cookie sheet. I always scoffed at recipes that used parchment paper as "foofy", but after using it found that it really does make a difference, and you don't have aluminum flecks on the bottoms from scraping them off the pan if they tend to stick. Just sayin. Sprinkle tops with sugar (you can use big or regular sugar....I kind of like regular for more of a "sandy" result), then use a flat-bottom glass dipped in sugar to slightly flatten each one. Bake at 325 for 12-15 minutes, not allowing them to brown. Remove to rack to cool, makes about 40 cookies.

And just for the record, I don't think these shipped terribly well....I recently read that you should ship cookies in a tin with bubble wrap between each layer and it made me laugh....those cookies were enjoyed just as much in powder form as they would have been intact, which would be true of anyone who missed a taste of home! I think they would also be delicious if you melted some dark chocolate in a Ziploc, then cut off the tip and drizzled the tops, but then I think that about EVERYTHING - except liver.

More than just a sweet ride for Cinderella...

Man, I hate it when I try to cheat and cut and paste formatting from hell. It always seems like a good idea at the time, and ends up costing me more time tweaking it that it would have just to key it in. But you know how were are in this technological age....as Homer would put it when told by Mo "It'll flash fry a buffalo in 45 seconds!" - "Awwww, but I want it NOW!!!" I just wanted you to know how much blood sweat and tears goes into this blog, and that I wouldn't do it for just ANYONE.

Giving thanks is a tradition for us here in the United States of America because we have it sooooo good. When you start getting down on yourself because you work in a call center, drive a Hyundai (not one of the cool new ones), and going out on the town involves matinee showings of something with Adam Sandler (SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN....YOU USED TO BE HILARIOUS!!) and 50 cent wing night at Buffalo Wild Wings in a cozy corner of the loudest sports bar EVER, remember it could be worse. I know some of you are thinking "Ewwwwww, HOW??, so to you I suggest asking the guy standing at an on ramp with a cardboard sign that says "Will stand here pitifully for food whilst you attempt to avoid eye contact" and I'm sure he can give you an idea. There, my guilt mongering is done for this festive holiday.

Thanksgiving should actually be called "Yum Yum I Wish I Had a Shovel So I Could Get Even More Delicious food in My Maw" Day, because that is really what it is. I don't know about you, but I've been thinking about it since before Halloween. More like stressing....not because of the day itself, just the number of calories I may or may not accidentally stumble and fall into with an open mouth. When you've restricted your intake, Thanksgiving means you should really eat something about the size of a Swanson Turkey dinner unless you want to grow out of your underpants before the end of the day. So my plan is to make what I normally would, but pull a few punches with butter, cream, sugar etc. and try to lighten it up a bit. That will not help when I am standing in front of a beautifully browned bird, glistening and crackly skin begging me to pull off a hunk and eat it because it's BAD for everyone else. Nor when the soft butter n' egg rolls have cooled off and the turkey carcass that still has an admirable amount of white meat still on it starts singing harmony with the Best Foods in the fridge to the tune of Just Eat It by the genius of Weird Al. Oh my.

So I shall try to persevere, attempt to eat my berry pie with the back of the crust removed and light ice cream on top, only have a little of each thing that requires gravy on it, and not feel the need to cap off my tremendous meal with another before the first one even hits the bottom of your stomach. Wish me luck....I did OK last year, but there were other people around that weren't my family - this year that will not be the case so I can fritter unfettered. Mmmmmm....fritters.

Here's a cool recipe I found from a website when I put pumpkin cheesecake muffins in the search bar. I made a couple changes, one because I did not think I had cloves, two because I thought it was an awful lot of spice (it would not have been), and three because I love nuts....have to, my family is full of em. I also went brown sugar in the topping, and changed the name to Pumpkin PRALINE cheesecake Muffins, cause that's what they are now. It's a hot pick, I tell ya.....brought them to a meeting and almost didn't make it to the room without being attacked...good thing I know how to buttonhook. I would not suggest you make this for Thanksgiving because it will just make Aunt Fanny's pumpkin pie look sick....and they don't require the least amount of whipped cream either.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffins

Filling:
8 oz. cream cheese
1/2 C. powdered sugar

Muffins:
3 C. flour
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. nutmeg
1 tsp. ground cloves
1 tbsp. plus 1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
4 large eggs
2 cups sugar
2 cups pumpkin puree
1¼ cups vegetable oil

Topping:
½ cup brown sugar
5 tbsp. flour
1½ tsp. ground cinnamon

1/3 C. chopped pecans

4 tbsp. cold butter, cut into pieces

Prep the filling first by mixing the cream cheese and powdered sugar, beating until smooth. Transfer the mixture to a piece of plastic wrap and shape into a log about 1½-inches in diameter. Smooth the plastic wrap tightly around the log, and reinforce with a piece of foil. Transfer to the freezer and chill until at least slightly firm, at least 2 hours.

For the muffins, preheat the oven to 350˚ F. Line muffin pans with paper liners - I use foil because of the high fat content....it will make paper wrappers look greasy. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, pumpkin pie spice, salt and baking soda; whisk to blend. In the bowl of an electric mixer combine the eggs, sugar, pumpkin puree and oil. Mix on medium-low speed until blended I used pumpkin we roasted in the oven and used a hand blender to make sure the fibers were chopped up well - you could also use a food processor. With the mixer on low speed, add in the dry ingredients, mixing JUST until incorporated unless you want to use your tough muffins for softball practice..

To make the topping, combine the sugar, flour and cinnamon in a small bowl; whisk to blend. Add in the butter pieces and cut into the dry ingredients with a pastry blender or two forks until the mixture is coarse and crumbly, stir in pecans. Put in the fridge if it'll be a while before using.

To assemble, fill each muffin paper with about 1/4 C. batter. Slice the log of cream cheese filling into 24 equal pieces. Place a slice of the cream cheese mixture into each muffin well, pushing it down into the batter. Divide the remaining batter among the muffin cups, placing on top of the cream cheese to cover completely. Sprinkle a small amount of the topping mixture over each of the muffins.

Bake for 20-25 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack and let cool awhile before serving or even tasting unless you want to talk with a notable lisp for a couple days because of the giant blister on your tongue - the filling is MOLTEN. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, even if you have to sit at the folding table in the hallway....some kids have to sit at the ironing board.

Source: http://annies-eats.com/, adapted from BakeSpace

All eyes are on you....

Yup, another potato post - I bet you couldn't wait! I volunteered to make a gigantic pot of soup for St. Frank's annual Holiday Sampler, a yearly wingding our parish puts on with a giant bazaar of handmade items all donated by the congregation. There is some serious talent and very deep pockets in Roy, and they are not stingy about sharing with those willing to part with a few bucks. I'm always amazed at how much work these people do to benefit their church and school - not many bazaars you go to are all donations....we're unique!

Potatoes have always been a filler in my cooking - baked, boiled and mashed, hash browns, french fries, chowders and delicately browned in a skillet - there ain't a lot about em I don't like. Son #2 makes an ethereal buttermilk potato bread with them that KILLS me every time - it's just not something I can pass up, and my points tracker makes a frowny face at me on days he makes it. I also lovelovelove a giant baker stuffed with butter, sour cream, bacon, green onion and black pepper and will eat it skin and all if it's baked correctly. Wanna know how? Magic...haha.

Actually, you just wash and dry giant spuds, poke them all with a small sharp paring knive a couple times on each flat side, then toss them in a ziploc one or two at a time with some olive oil and coat, then put em on a cookie sheet and liberally sprinkle kosher salt on both sides and bake at 375 about 1.5 hours or until that paring knife will slide right through em...the salt tenderizes them and flavors from the outside in. I overcooked the soup batch, and had to peel them a bit deeper after they cooled - Handsome Stranger finally had to throw the peels in the trash with smelly garbage because he could not leave them alone. I was going to make some smart-ass comment about the Great Potato Famine, but after looking it up on Wiki, I was ashamed of myself. Yes, that does happen.

So yeah, the soup. I was asked to make some last year for the luncheon that is the "Sampler" part of this event, and my butternut coconut curry soup was very well received....a few people had a look on their face like "Yah, like I'm gonna eat something that looks like regurgitated carrots", but I didn't take offense. I just found out what they drove and poured a little in their gas tank to take home and try later. I agonize over something that a large number of random people will be exposed to, especially since I go to church with a lot of them - you really don't want people that have calluses on their knees from praying on them since they were 3 getting some kind of food borne illness because of you - you could end up with the 7 plagues of Roy all over you. I'm pretty sure they are doing chicken noodle and minestrone again, so I wanted a thicker and more calorific option - yes folks, this will not have WW points plus values at the end, the bacon alone will cause the scale to short out at your next weigh in, and when you fry, it's gonna smell like hickory.

I decided to go with a chowder-ish selection, and honed in on Baked Potato - it just sounded so good, and a giant bag of bakers at Costco is only a sawbuck (if you are not over 50, that's a fiver). I did some research and found a couple promising candidates, one from my friend Amber's McClusky (ND) Centennial Cookbook and the other Paula Deen...we all know where this is going. I whipped up a test batch, and I will not tell you what Handsome Stranger said about it because it was VERY naughty - suffice to say he quite enjoyed it. (the soup I mean...) I think you will too, and will curse me with a closed and shaking fist if you are trying to achieve a leaner, meaner you....it's quite heavenly in this lay person's opinion, but with devilish results to the dimples that will deepen on your heinie if you eat a lot. AMEN.

Baked Potato Soup

10 slices bacon

1/4 C. butter

1 C. onion

1/3 C. flour

4 C. milk (I used 2%, but you can use whatever your heart desires)

2 T. chicken base

4 HUGE baked potatoes, peeled and cubed

1 C. cheddar cheese, grated

1 C. sour cream

Salt & fresh ground pepper to taste

Slice bacon across into ¼” strips, fry until crisp, remove from pan and set aside. Put bacon drippings in large pot with butter, sauté onions in fat until tender and stir in flour; cook 2 minutes. Pour in milk, whisking constantly then add chicken base and cook until it starts to bubble, add potatoes and bacon, grind in some fresh pepper and a bit of salt then turn heat down and cook 10 minutes, stirring constantly to keep from sticking. Stir in cheese and sour cream, check seasoning and adjust as needed. You will have to stir it a lot when it's over heat...the milk and flour will make it want to stick and burn constantly. I will also thicken if kept warm....add more milk as needed, and be prepared to add more chicken base and/or salt if need be.

If I was serving this at a meal, I would put some sour cream in a Ziploc, cut off the corner and make a little zig zag of it on top, then sprinkle with a tiny bit of cheese, a few sprinkles of chives or green onion, and one tiny bacon piece on top with a skosh of pepper…..how pretty would that be! Actually, I would just get in the way of the spoon....no one wants to wait that long. And if you overindulge, they'll just comment "That's a fine doorful of a woman".....

Scones and Almighty Sympathy

A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. I understand what this dude was getting at, that you can't get to your destination by sitting on the couch in your underwear, eating Cheetos and drinking Mt. Dew unless you're Bill Gates and can afford to hire 4 hefty dudes to carry your couch on that journey. And how awkward would that be for the dudes? I mean, you're in your UNDIES...I guess having a zillion dollars means you DON'T have to give a shite what people think of you. But enough about my dreams, I just think that, even if the intent is inspiring, one step towards a 1000 is not very encouraging. BUT, you can't get there without it, so wipe those cheesy-stained fingers on your BVD's and put on some pants...time to get movin' Cheeto breath.

I joined Weight Watchers 1 year, 1 week, 1 day, and 4 hours ago. Last night I broke the 100 lb. mark of weight loss, and I could hardly believe it...not so much that I finally did it, but that I was TERRIBLE for a couple days before weigh in. When I stepped on the scale, I was .2 lbs shy of 100, so I stepped off and removed my (size 18-20) sweater. I'm just glad that worked, 'cause I'm not entirely sure I can get my undies off without removing my pants first. I am totally in awe of the support and encouragement I get from my co-workers....they are a fine group of people I am privileged to know, and probably have no idea how instrumental they are in my success thus far, but they've been with me since I started, and a comfy crutch they are. Not to mention a bunch of busybodies that watch every single bite of food that goes into my mouth....it's like a whole BUILDING of pictures with eyes that follow you wherever you go. OK, that was paranoid and I'm SURE not true...but it sure keeps me honest at work! And when I started, looking ahead to a 100 lb. weight loss was like looking into the wrong end of a telescope....very tiny and far, FAR away. But here I am.

So the night before weigh-in, I was making eggnog scones for a delightful friend of my daughter, and because we were also busy making candied jalapenos, dark chocolate truffles, and bacon jam, I forgot to set the timer and burnt the hell out of them. I was tired, I was hungry, and my "It's not worth it" governor bit the big one....I ate the tops of at least 3 of them, aided by a smidge or 10 of butter. The kids said they were delicious, and they weren't really burnt, but I am a perfectionist, and would NEVER give anything I didn't think was my best as a gift....that's the stuff I leave on the island for my family to eat. Which has been rudely commented on in the past....no, I do not love my work peeps more than you, but when you leave the toilet seat up, throw your dirty socks on the living room floor, and put toothpicks in the sink you aren't helping your cause. And oddly, it did not make me feel any better....although I'm fairly certain my tummy was smirking. But taste testing the truffles, the jalapenos (FRICK THEY'RE HOT!), and the ooooOOOOOOMGoooodness Bacon Jam was completely unnecessary - and then I ate dinner. *sigh*

I think God finally broke the dam though - He knows how much I've been struggling and stressing, especially with the last 10 lbs, and I think He took sympathy on me. And although a pity loss is not very noble, if it's from God I'm not going to argue. So after dinner, I drug myself back into the kitchen and executed a perfectly pristine and absolutely BREATHTAKING batch of eggnog scones. If I don't say so myself. I found this recipe on the side of an eggnog carton, and when I lost it and could not find it on a carton anymore, searched the website of every single dairy that produces eggnog for the Pacific NW to no avail...not even creative googling helped. I was inconsolable....I've eaten a lot of crappy scones and only a few really good ones, so I know it was a rarity....and then I found it again, cryptically written on the back of something else, already spotted with dried eggnog and dusted with flour even though I only made it a few times. Another gift from the Big Guy....you will want to thank Him if you make these, just make sure it's on bended knee so you can pick up crumbs that fall to the ground and lick them from your finger.

Eggnog Scones

I love eggnog, and eggnog in almost anything...although once when Handsome Stranger and I were away, Son #1 attempted to make a batch of eggnog fudge I had found a recipe for and proclaimed it "DIS-gusting". I love eggnog lattes, and miss them...too much sugar, but these I would figure out the points for and eat anyway - they just scream the holidays! And you can FREEZE eggnog....I suggest you get some plastic jam containers and freeze it in one cup containers when it goes on clearance, that way you don't have to wait for November.

3 C. flour

1/4 C. sugar

2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. baking soda

3/4 tsp. salt

3/4 C. cold butter

1/2 C. dried cranberries

1/2 C. pecans, coarsely chopped

1 C. eggnog

Extra eggnog and BIG sugar

Preheat oven to 425. Mix flour, sugar, baking powder, soda and salt, cut in butter until small crumbs. Stir in cranberries and pecans, the add eggnog and stir with a fork until it forms a ball. If too dry, add a little more eggnog....just to the dry parts so they'll stick to the ball. It may be sticky, but no worries. Flour the counter or board and dump the ball of dough out on it. If it's really sticky, sprinkle a little over the top too, flatten the ball slightly, forming into a disk. It's up to you what size you want, I like little ones so I cut the ball in quarters, then shape each into a rough disk, about the size of a corn tortilla...don't be fancy, they are rustic and should have ragged edges and lumps, and the less you handle it the more tender they'll be. (If you want bigger ones, cut the ball in half and just do 2 disks.)

Brush the top of each disk with eggnog, then sprinkle with big sugar....if you don't have that I just don't know what to say. Cut each disk into 6 wedges, and space them out on a cookie sheet - you don't have to grease it, but I like to put parchment paper on it if I have it - they should be at least an inch apart because they do puff up just a bit. Bake at 425 for 10-15 minutes....check them at 10, the bottom should be golden, the top maybe just slightly browned around the edges. Remove to rack to cool, but eat one before it cools off so you know how you want to serve them if the Pope comes to visit. Even though he's German and possibly not privy to the ways of the warm scone, his blessing will pack more of a punch if you give His Grace one fresh out of the oven with a pat of cold butter he can put on it and it won't drip on his white cape.

In closing, I would like to extend a huge THANK YOU to God for all His assistance in keeping me on the path to better health and smaller pants, and to my family, friends and co-workers - you are the perkiest damn cheerleaders EVER.

It's a Gramma thing...

It's fall again, I can no longer wear my flip flops to work, and not just because my pedicure is starting to grow out, but because my toes turn an unfashionable shade of blue. That and "flip-flop" turns into "squish-squash" because of the rain, and then there are those weird looks from people who think maybe I should be the recipient of a Salvation Army box for the upcoming holidays. I miss the sun and the warm (only because in Oregon it's rarely so hot that, in order to keep cool, you'll make unfortunate fashion choices like daisy dukes and a tube top at ages that are nearing the Basic Rule and weights that are only admirable in a pumpkin growing contest), but am delighted that we're back to "soup weather". I LOVE SOUP, even if some think it's "Gramma food" - put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Soup was not a staple growing up, that is unless it came out of a can or was being used to empty the coffers of a large number of vegetables that would have been better off on the compost heap. My dad did not like most veggies...he was pretty picky, and when Mom started including them in our food as "vitamins", she frequently had to make him "special" dinners that would have made Jack LaLanne blanch in horror. (Jack was like 150 years old, and still appeared to be in his 60's...all due to exercise, vegetables, and pulling boats around in ice cold water...look him up) For us there was no escape...you ate what was put in front of you, and if it happened to be some kind of soup with many veggies blended up in it in a failed attempt to trick Dad into eating it, you only hoped that there was ketchup on the table to help you choke it down. It was especially egregious when Dad was sitting pretty at the head of the table, wolfing down a steak sandwich or a hamburger steak with mashed potatoes - how RUDE.

The other experience was Campbell's....most of the time it was tomato, chicken noodle, bean with bacon, or cream of mushroom, all of which I loved, but a far cry from homemade, stick to your ribs, full of flavor, meaty and satisfying soup that I am now a proponent of. Yesterday, thanks to a score on some reduced beef roast (did you know that when it's older it has more flavor, and that's how they age premium steaks? True story....) and a shopping trip that included half a cart full of just produce, I decided to make a HUGE batch of one of our favorites. AND it's good for you and only 3 points plus per cup - and it will produce a TON of leftovers that can be refrigerated for many other meals, or even frozen. And soup is always better as it ages....somehow flavors just multiply, not unlike bunnies or Catholics prior to the 1970's. And it is so comforting to eat hot soup on a cold day....kind of like a sweater, but inside your tummy instead of outside. Just beware of leaky spoons....a napkin tucked into the neck of your shirt is less gauche than soup splotches from your collar bone to your navel.

Beef Barley Soup

It's REALLY thick....if you like it more soupy, you can add more water and beef base if you want, maybe less cabbage or veggies, but you're missing the point. VEGGIES ARE GOOD FOR YOU!

23 oz. lean beef, cut in small cubes about the size of your little fingernail.

1 T. oil

1 large onion, diced

3 large carrots, diced

4 stalks celery, diced

3 cloves garlic, pressed or minced

3 C. chopped mushrooms (fresh or I use the dry mix, reconstituted in hot water)

1/4 C. red wine (optional, I just think it gives the broth more depth)

1-1/2 C. barley

12 C. hot water

3 T. beef base

1 T. salt

1 tsp. fresh ground pepper

4 C. diced cabbage

1-1/2 C. diced yellow squash

Heat oil to smoking over medium-high in dutch oven or stock pot, add beef and let sit until it gets a good sear on one side, then stir and allow to sear again. Add onion, celery, carrot and garlic and stir occasionally, about 10 minutes or until onion and celery softens. Add wine, barley, water, beef base and salt and pepper and stir; bring to a boil, then add cabbage and squash. Bring to a low boil, then simmer for 1 to 1-1/2 hour or until beef is tender. Adjust seasoning as needed.

Yes, it's that simple....and you only got a cutting board, a knife, a pot, and a spoon dirty. And if you serve it with some of Creative Daughter's multi grain and Son #2's potato buttermilk breads, it will make you feel like you put on wool socks, a soft Grammy sweater, and burrowed under a cozy fleece blankie in front of a roaring fire....if it's summer, you may want to crack out the daisy dukes and tube top. Or maybe just take a nap....

"Hoagies and Grinders, Hoagies and Grinders..."

Cravings are born of what's close to your heart....and unfortunately for my fat-wrapped human engine, mayonnaise is fairly close to the top of my list. I love the stuff....not by itself, it has to have a vehicle to propel it into my mouth, but there are so many viable options I could not list them here without the blogspot.com police issuing me a "cease and desist" email threatening to cut me off if I don't stop blogging about Best Foods. I blame my mother, mostly because that is our national past-time, but because shoot mi madre knows her condiments.

As part of a 5 kid family with only one income, we were subjected to many unsavory things in the interest of stretching a dollar (or in some cases, a nickel) I've eaten a LOT of weird things that were called a "sandwich" simply because they were encapsulated in between two pieces of bread, but that would cause many a peer to blanch, quail, and recoil with horror when a lunchroom trade was suggested. They had their bologna and peanut butter and jelly, crusts cut neatly off on wonder bread that was softer than a puffy white cloud, nestled neatly in their Mod Squad lunchbox with a thermos of chicken noodle soup, a Twinkie, and a piece of fruit so perfect it was a shame that they tossed it in the trash without even thinking of eating it. Sigh...to be a "normal" kid.

We occasionally had lunchboxes, but with slovenly habits and the grace of a charging buffalo in the fine china department of Macy's, they were generally discarded early in the school year due to a broken thermos and a science experiment in how nasty an enclosed metal device can get if you forget to clean it out in favor of the disposable paper sack. The scene in "Uncle Buck" when Miles opens his full-size grocery sack and starts to unload the lunch his Uncle most likely cleaned out the fridge to attain always takes me back to the lunch room....the milk in a jar with a plastic bag rubber banded to the top was CLASSIC. (OK, it might not have been a bag on top, but that is what WE got.

PBJ was always an option, but I was never a fan....something about a warm peanut butter sandwich reminds me of stuff under the couch cushions. (NO....I was NOT the one who put them there....) Tuna mixed with mayo and sweet relish was a staple, bologna, salami with the whole peppercorns in it, so it was always fun to peel the bread off before eating and pick 'em out so you didn't spend the afternoon gagging and tearing up after biting down on one. Olive loaf, head cheese (it's really like square bologna with tiny cheese cubes in it), and cheddar or jack cheese - all were some of the more normal selections.

One that I loved, but not many others would touch with a ten foot pole was Braunschweiger.....yup, liver sausage. It looked like meat playdoh, tasted vaguely of liver and had the consistency of...well...hmm....nevermind, it's grossing me out trying to describe it. And none of this makes any sense because I despise liver with a white hot passion, but would still eat this every single day with mayo on white bread if it wasn't filled to bursting with even more delightful fat I don't want to buy bigger undies because of. And of course, every single one was liberally lubricated with that devil-in-a-jar. Delicious.

I suppose you have to grow up eventually - my big sister shared this recipe with me and we love it; I made it a lot when Handsome Stranger was doing Atkins...you can eat all the mayo you want, just not on bread. To which I said "Why bother livin' if you ain't gonna enjoy yourself once in a while?", to which he replied through a mouthful of bacon "Mmmm....bacon..." And I'm just gonna say it: you Adkins Addicts all have the worst breath on the planet. I don't care if you're burning ketones, you stink - eat some fruit and use some shout on your butter, bacon grease and mayonnaise stained shirts. And try this on some bread...your intestines could use a break from that giant meat log working it's way through your lower 40.

Choose-your-Chicken-Salad

4 C. diced cooked chicken

I like to use a whole rotisserie chicken from the store, and rip the whole thing asunder and chop up both dark and white meat...dark meat has all the flavor, you know. BUT, sometimes I don't want to stop at the store, so I pull frozen breasts outta the freezer, put them in a pot and cover with water and a skosh of salt and pepper, then cook at a slow boil for 30 minutes, remove from heat and cover and let stand another 30. Cool until you can handle and chop up. Or you could over roast, or even grill for a nice smoky flavor....'sup to you.

1-2 C. add ins

Go wild, use what YOU like - my pref is cranberries and either pecans or toasted almonds....here are a few suggestions:

Dried cranberries

Chopped apple

Diced peaches

Dried cherries

Green onion

Celery

Diced roasted red pepper

Chopped marinated artichoke hearts

Chopped black or kalamata olives

Capers (BLECK!)

Chopped green olives

Minced sun dried tomatoes

Toasted chopped almonds or hazelnuts

Chopped pecans or walnuts

Pan toasted pine nuts

Asiago cheese

Diced pickled jalepeno

Mini marshmallows (haha, kidding...but then again....)

OK, it's getting ridiculous....I never meant for you to use ALL of them, but 2 or 3 that will complement each other. So for instance jalepeno, artichoke and asiago would make it much like that delicious dip you get in restaurants to dip crackers or bread into. Peaches, almonds and green onion would be a delightful sweet/savory taste. I like the idea of apple/celery/walnuts for a Waldorf-ey experience too. My original recipe had green olives, roasted red pepper and almonds I think....but I have never made one that wasn't delicious!

Dressing

Super simple so the flavors of your add ins come through....

2 T. seasoned rice vinegar

1/2 to 1 C. Best Foods (Hellman's East of the Rockies) Mayo

Salt and FRESH GROUND PEPPER to taste

Mix the chicken with the add ins, then sprinkle the vinegar over all, add mayo to YOUR liking, then season as needed w/salt and pepper. Mayo has a lot of salt in it, as does vinegar....always add that last so you don't over salt it.

You can serve this so many ways....it's especially good on croissants, but bread, tortillas, crackers, pita, or on leaves of whatever lettuce turns your crank....romaine, butter, endive (I've never had that, BTW), or even in a celery stick if you chopped it fine enough will make an excellent vehicle for deliciousness. It would also be delightful spread on a baguette with some cheese on top and broiled, or rolled up in crescent roll dough and baked into a yummy strudel-ey thingy...I have always dreamed of putting it in puff pastries hot out of the oven and eating them off tiny doilies on a silver tray. But last night I dreamed that Son #2 was wearing purple suede pumps so I'm not sure I want anyone attempting to follow through on my nocturnal imaginings.
Sorry for that last image - it disturbed me greatly, but mostly because they were too big for me to borrow..."MEATLOAF SANDWICH".

"I'm older and have more insurance."

Ah...a classic, that one. Fried Green Tomatoes was SUCH a good movie, full of girl power and irony...kind of like me after working all summer cutting down trees, splitting firewood, and in general acting like I had a pair and knew what to do with em only to have to schedule visits with the chiropractor and physical therapist until the end of time. Haha, not really....just until I've had enough back-crackery and decide that I just have to stop acting like some musclebound freak just kicked sand in my face and start acting more like a girl. But not entirely...no one should ever make the mistake assuming I am a helpless female lest I snap them in half to more neatly shove the two pieces into their own...never mind, you get the gist. But I appreciate you opening doors for me, and will turn your spine ice cold with such a look if you don't - didn't your momma teach you any manners?

My daughter has lived "down south" for the last 11 years, and is finally coming home to Oregon in less than 2 weeks. I am wildly excited, and have been keeping it low key because I was afraid I would jinx it and she might move instead to some other back-water state too far away. (And before you make some huffy comment about Georgia being where you were born and raised and how DARE I call it back water, I live in a town where there is a mannequin and a washing machine with mangle on the "cupola"(translation: roof) of the local tavern) But the moving van is on the way, she will be shortly after turning her keys over the a realtor, and now we just have to wait for her to drive from Georgia to Oregon via North Carolina and Chicago where she'll stop to visit friends....it hardly seems real. We are working on some changes to our home so they can nest when they get here - I might actually get bathroom #2 (LOL....get it??) because of this! What WILL I DO with myself??

My little girl left home for the Army the January after she graduated from high school, and has been away ever since save for a few visits back....there were big milestones like marriage, child-bearing, and home ownership in that span of time, not to mention the last 9+ years of direct grandmothering I've missed out on. If I didn't see them now and then, I think my grandson would probably think that Gramma was the mailman, and Gramps was the UPS guy....a LOT of stuff has traveled North to South in the last 10 years. So if you see UPS stock take a dive, or see a sudden rate hike at USPS in mid-September, it's probably their fault. Do I care?? NOPE....I am just tickled that ALL my kids will be home again...WHEEE!

Living in the South introduced her to all kinds of southern delicacies, like Popeye's chicken, Waffle Houses, and Domino's pizza...yeah, pretty much the same crap we have here. Sure there are actual local spots, and a few joints that we don't have here in the Northwest, but if you have decided to go semi-vegan the South is generally not the place to explore those kind of food choices. The south is cooking with lard, bacon, back fat, butter, and enough peanut oil to deep fry a pterodactyl for the Annual Confederacy Pride Picnic - I think the wedge salads down there are battered, fried and served with a side of cornbread to wipe the grease off your face with. During one visit I went to Sconyer's BBQ joint off the Bobby Jones Highway, and ordered up a vat of local specialties to bring back to my daughter's for dinner. At times like those, I wish I wasn't such a good cook...or that maybe I need to open my own drive-thru if they can force people to wait in line for 30 minutes for that crap.

On our last visit, the one where we went to Savannah and I had to confess that I had wrongly judged Paula Deen after visiting her sons restaurant there, a few bright spots shone through the nasty cornbread, watery pulled pork, and horrible biscuits and gravy I've been subjected to in Southern restaurants over time. One was the fried green tomatoes with vidalia onion relish we ordered on a whim at The Lady & Sons that bakin' hot day in Savannah. I'm not eating fried foods anymore, so until yesterday I had not tried to duplicate it at home, but after a trip to my sister-in-law's produce stand and a chance sighting of some lovely green 'maters, I decided to make them as a Labor Day treat for the kids that were here this weekend. You can get the recipe off the internet too, but it doesn't come with a neat story or family dirt and cusses like mine do....but to each his own. These were so startlingly delicious that I had to put them on my cheeseburger, onion relish and all, and I blacked out while I was eating it due to extreme deliciousness....it will be the first special on my flagship restaurant's grand opening menu....I shall call it the Iggy Burger. My lands.....

Fried Green Tomatoes

4 large green or even slightly orangey tomatoes
Salt
2 C. buttermilk
2 C. self-rising flour*
Fresh ground black pepper
Vegetable oil

Slice tomatoes 1/4" thick and salt on both sides; put in colander and let drain for 30 minutes. Heat oil in pan at least 1" deep to medium high...you want it to almost be smoking, and keep it hot. Using a fork, put drained tomatoes in the buttermilk, then into flour and coat well; carefully lay them into the hot oil, grind some pepper over them and fry until browned on the first side. Gently turn so as not to dislodge the coating and brown on the other side. Remove to a paper towel lined platter, then to a cooling rack so the coating doesn't sweat off, or directly onto your serving dish and eat immediately with heaps of vidalia onion relish. Or on a cheeseburger if you got the guts.

*if your self-rising flour has a grey layer in the container that you suspect is the waste of some kind of bug infestation, you can make your own with untainted all purpose flour by adding 1-1/2 tsp. baking powder and 1/2 tsp of salt per cup of flour and stirring it in.

Vidalia Onion Relish

2 Vidalia or sweet onions, peeled and diced
1/2 C. mayonnaise, plus another 1/4 C. later
1/2 C. seasoned rice vinegar
2 T. brown sugar
2 T. chives, chopped (I didn't have any, put in some parsley)

Mix all ingredients and let marinate in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. The vinegar and onion juice make this rather watery, so after it marinated, I dumped it in a strainer, removed most of the liquid, the re-introduced an additional 1/4 C. mayo into it with a dash of salt...voila!! Perfect creamy consistency, and I figured no added fat because I drained a lot of the original mayo out....and this sh** was so good I was eating it with a spoon....Handsome Stranger was horrified, but to me it tasted like candy. I also heaped a big spoonful on the one bite of a hot dog I could get down - I can think of nothing this would not be delicious on. A fudge brownie with peanut butter icing included. So yeah, anyway....serve in large spoonfuls on top of fried green tomatoes, and tell your pants they're lucky that green tomatoes are not available year round. Y'all come back now, y'hear??

It's a GIRL!!!

I guess I can't proclaim myself an expert on raising girls since I only have the one, but I was one myself, so I think I can take a little from that experience and the fact that I came out alive on this end of 18 and say that I'm at least semi-pro. My first-born and only female child has been on the other side of the country (might have just as well been the universe) for almost 13 years, so when she and my 10 year old grandson moved back to Oregon in September, I was tickled pink. And they are living IN OUR HOUSE....I think that's fitting, at least for now since she has deprived me of her company and my grandson for this long. I will never tire of being a gramma and wish that I had more than one to spoil, side with against his mom, and teach him bad words (it was an ACCIDENT).

We have similarities, she and I; I don't think either one of us leaps into friendship easily, probably in part because of a couple hard hits in childhood, but when someone does crack our hard candy shell, you can pretty much be sure that they'll be front and center at our funeral, crying and laughing harder than anyone else in the room. We have the same snarky sense of humor, and we are both extremely common-sensical - we both like things the way we like them, and God help anyone who gets in the way of that.

On the other hand, my lovely daughter has FAR more patience that I ever did or will have with her child, she is FAR more independent and fearless than me (Holy hand-grenades, Batman - she joined the ARMY), and I think she has a much more creative soul than I do. Sure I like to cook, but because of a LOT of food experience/exposure, I think I know what will work and what won't, but it's really stolen from others. I can pull a rabbit out of my hat, with a sweet cherry and Syrah reduction, roasted garlic, fried sage and Asiago mashed Yukon Golds and butter browned julienned Brussels sprouts with toasted hazelnuts, but most of the time someone else put it in there. I don't think either one of us knows what we want to be when we grow up, but have vague thoughts that it should involve writing, and/or comedy...and for me cooking for sure. I think it's about time the Food Network acquired a stand-up chef with excellent spelling skills.

She has been gone a looooong time - an average once a year visit from one end or the other and 13 years flew by. She was already so grown up (from 6th grade on), but she matured in that time, found love, a new home, new interests, and even became a mother, all without us there. And never seemed to be scared or worried about anything - she is either the greatest actress of all time, or she really IS that independent....and having a partner who leaves for year at a shot over and over pretty much cements that notion. But family is family, and I think she realized just like I did when she left that she was missing out - you can email, call, even visit from time to time all you want, but it ain't the same as BEING THERE. And in my opinion life is too short to throw that away unless you have a REALLY good reason. And what that would be I have NO idea.

It's different having a kid in the house, adding two more bodies to a one-bathroom home, and doubling the female hormone level...tread lightly, you who leave the seat up, your comeuppance has just doubled. I know that we can't always agree, that there will be bickering and petty annoyances for us all from time to time, but it matters not. On the walls of every cubicle I have had in the last 12 years, I have two midnight blue post it notes I laminated and neatly trimmed with Velcro on the back so they'll stick to fabric walls. Written with a metallic pen and covered with stars and hearts, one says "Queen of the Universe", and the other "I *heart* you Mom, Becky". I see them 5 days a week, all day, every day, I remember exactly where I was and what she looked like when she made them, and they are constant reminders of just how much I missed her.

(Author's note: I started this blog before she arrived, and it was here I had to go find Kleenex) When she was in boot camp, she sent home letters detailing her experiences, and I put them in a binder and read them once in while. She was really homesick at first - I didn't expect that, so it was really hard to read about it. One night she was on a bus with a bunch of other prospective girl soldiers, waiting to go off to the next destination, and she wrote that she started to cry when the girl next to her (who she was sure thought she was crazy) started biting her fingernails and spitting them on the seat in front of her just like I do. It was the closest I came to getting on a plane and flying to that base and telling them it was all a mistake, she wasn't supposed to be there and had to come home with me NOW. I still can't read that without having an allergy attack.

I was told early on I could NOT send goodies from home during basic, and to please not send her anything but letters because you had to do push ups even for those, and they were really mean if someone got a package. I think she moved on to her language training before I was allowed to send anything, and the first was a big box of cookies....her favorite included. I think I cut the recipe out of the paper, but never tried them because they seemed kind of "meh", but she did on a whim and they were wonderful - light, slightly crispy, and so delicately flavored with coconut and vanilla - some things are happy accidents (unless they involve Angry Birds and a potty-mouth gramma...)! Maybe you can put these in your Christmas cookie rotation this year...call em snowflakes, and dream of your world being covered in them when you wake up tomorrow....

Becky's Coconut Crisps

1 C. butter, softened (2 cubes)

1 C. sugar, plus extra for sprinkling

1 egg

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. almond extract

2 C. flour

1/2 baking soda

1/2 salt

2 C. flaked coconut

Preheat oven to 325. In a large bowl, beat butter a little, then add 1 C. sugar and beat until fluffy; add egg and extracts and beat until well combined. Add baking soda and salt and mix, then add flour and beat until combined, add coconut and mix well.

Using a cookie scoop or two spoons, drop by heaping tablespoon onto a greased or parchment lined cookie sheet. I always scoffed at recipes that used parchment paper as "foofy", but after using it found that it really does make a difference, and you don't have aluminum flecks on the bottoms from scraping them off the pan if they tend to stick. Just sayin. Sprinkle tops with sugar (you can use big or regular sugar....I kind of like regular for more of a "sandy" result), then use a flat-bottom glass dipped in sugar to slightly flatten each one. Bake at 325 for 12-15 minutes, not allowing them to brown. Remove to rack to cool, makes about 40 cookies.

And just for the record, I don't think these shipped terribly well....I recently read that you should ship cookies in a tin with bubble wrap between each layer and it made me laugh....those cookies were enjoyed just as much in powder form as they would have been intact, which would be true of anyone who missed a taste of home! I think they would also be delicious if you melted some dark chocolate in a Ziploc, then cut off the tip and drizzled the tops, but then I think that about EVERYTHING - except liver.

Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!

Our mini Oregon summer is drawing to an end, and I never even got a peelable sunburn - while I know that's good for my health, it's disappointing that it never got hot enough to burn the mildew off the gutters and the back of my calves. I swear our AC unit is pouting...and I never once had to get the kiddy pool I bought my grandson out of the shed to cool off. What a gyp!

Summer was so much fun when we were kids - it meant no school, picking berries for enough money to make myself sick for one day on candy from the Rexall Drug, climbing trees, eating fruit in various stages of dead green to ripe enough to fight the yellow jackets for, playing hide and seek with at least 10 neighbor kids well into the dark, and free swimming lessons at the Wilson High School outdoor pools. We went to the library for the max number of books allowed to check out at one time, then back again every 2 weeks for more, rode our bikes endlessly around the neighborhood and to Multnomah Village and back, made forts out of anything we could find, dropped lit firecrackers down manholes and put them in half rotten apples just before throwing them off the neighbors deck.

We went to the beach to play in the surf and roast weenies and marshmallows over a bonfire, experienced hikes at Multnomah Falls, Kings Mountain, Tillamook Head and Saddle Mountain, went camping at Fort Stevens, Honeyman State Park and Barview near Garibaldi, and played ourselves silly doing anything with anyone who didn't have a care in the world. Why would anyone NOT like summer? It's like a spa for kids - instead of a mud bath, you dug a swimming pool in the back yard and tried to fill it after lining it with a big piece of plastic. (OK, that WAS a mud bath), instead of a massage you leg wrestled with your siblings lying in the grass under the cherry tree, and instead of yoga you practiced crossing your legs and walking on your knees and laughed hysterically at each other when you tried (and actually succeeded) to bite your own toenails. The salt scrub was the trip home from the beach with sand in your undies - I never want a real salt scrub.

Like Peter Pan, I don't wanna grow up, but it's too late - summer is full of jobs to do outside when it's dry and warm, events to attend because that is apparently when everyone wants to marry/party/graduate etc, and take the requisite "vacation" that ends up being far more stressful that just hanging out in the tire swing and throwing pine cones at cars from the roof of the shed until someone complained and your mom yelled at you to get down off there. I miss summer....it's just not the same anymore.

My hope is that I can live vicariously through my grandson - if it all works out, he will be here very shortly, and will be as close as he can get - I already told all the geezer nay-sayers that me and Ethan are going tent camping whether they go or not, and I will pretend I am 10 when I'm not busy setting up camp and making sure that he doesn't get so dirty potatoes grow in his ears...we're going to have fun, and he will someday look back and miss it too. I can't wait....

And ooooh baby......there is nothing that screams summer like a bowlful of pico de gallo made with fresh-from-the-garden produce....anything you can get at your local farmstand/farmers market makes it that much better. I prefer to put a twist on my pico, and have developed a heavenly concoction comprised of elements from 3 different recipes, which I personally believe is the best thing I have ever scooped a ridiculous amount of on a chip and stuffed in my chubby little face. Altho pure guac runs a close second, the flavors and textures in this just blow me away. So give it a try, and make sure you have plenty of nice salty tortilla chips on hand - it's just not the same on a stale English muffin.

PicoMole'

2-4 ears fresh corn on the cob

2-3 ish lbs. of roma tomatoes*

1/2 onion, preferably a sweet, but yellow or red will work too

1 bunch cilantro - use however much you like

3-100 jalapenos (OK, more like 3-6 depending on size/pref. heat)

1 can black beans, drained and rinsed*

2-3 limes, depending on size and your taste

Salt & fresh ground black pepper

2-4 ripe avocados

As you can see, amounts are quite adjustable....it's all based on your preferences and tolerance of any/all of the ingredients. So are you ready? Let's GO!

1. Heat grill, brush or spray corn with olive oil/spray and sprinkle with salt, grill over medium high heat until browned/lightly charred on all sizes, let cool. When cool enough to handle, cut corn off the cob using whatever corn-cutting contraption you have, or just a good sharp knife - lay the corn on the cutting surface, and cut kernels off one side, turn a 1/4, then cut another side etc until you've cut it into a square cob. Then gnaw the rest off it and wipe the corn bits off your cheeks before proceeding.

2. Core and dice tomatoes fairly small - nothing should be much bigger than the beans - and put them all in a colander to drain. Let drain as you continue, watery pico is an ABOMINATION.

3. Dice onion small, throw on top of tomatoes.

4. Seed, core and chop jalapenos finely....if you like it HOT, leave some of the seeds, and if you don't want to spend a couple hours screaming and cursing the day I was born after rubbing your eye, picking your nose, or tending to some other delicate skin on your body even AFTER washing with soap and water therefore transferring hellfire hot chili oil there, use a pair of disposable gloves....trust me. Set aside by itself, segregated from the less lethal ingredients.

5. Wash the whole bunch of cilantro (big bowl of cold water, swish it around vigorously and then dry by snapping it like a whip at the nearest mouth breather waiting for you to open the bag of chips), rip off half and chop the main part of the leafy end in a not too big dice. You can add more if you like....just hold up a sec.

6. Cut lime in half, and get ready with whatever you use to squeeze citrus with.

7. Get a large bowl, dump tomatoes and onion, cilantro, drained black beans, corn and a couple big pinches of kosher salt and some grinds of pepper. Put in as much jalapeno as you dare, then squeeze in at least 2 limes and stir to blend. Give it a taste with a chip and see what you think....too wimpy? Add jalapenos. Can't taste the lime? Squeeze in another half. Want to taste more of the soapy deliciousness of cilantro? Chop a bit more and toss it in. Need salt/pepper? Have at it, but not too much. It should taste so good right now you want to make giant tortilla chips out of whole round tortillas and have a mouth-ectomy so you can fit it all in at once. But there's more.....

8. Dice ripe avocados (to prep it, you cut in half around the pit, smack your sharp knife blade across the pit and twist to remove, then scoop the whole half out with a large spoon you usually only use to dish up Lima beans on your kids plate or eat rocky road ice cream right out of the carton at night when no one else is around. Take half a lime and squeeze a little over the cubes, then GENTLY fold all into the bowl of waiting pico.

BAM! You have just created the perfect food to be eaten immediately....tomatoes lose their flavor in the fridge, and the avocado will turn brown and start to break down, giving the whole bowl and unsavory snot-like consistency and color....it's only recommended to eat right then and there. And if you bring to an event, do the avocado when you unwrap the bowl to serve....and you will NEVER have to worry about leftovers. If they run out of chips, they will dip anything they can scoop with in there - celery, hamburger patties, even Aunt Betty's sugar cookies. And knowing Aunt Betty's baking skills, it can only make them better. I'm going to make this when me and E go camping, and maybe that is ALL we'll have for dinner one night....well that and giant roasted marshmallows, that's a deal-breaker for Gramma.

The Naughty is Back...

I have spent a lifetime fiddling with other people's recipes, attempting to improve them, perhaps trying to get by because I didn't have buttermilk or eggs or the right kind of sugar - there are as many reasons as there were abject failures. OK, maybe not quite as many.....but the first I recall was my mom's Creamy French Icing. I was just a teenager, and of course knew everything - she put me to work making the icing for someone's birthday cake, then left me alone while she went off to most likely wrap a present in whatever paper-like material she could find because we never seemed to have the real stuff. I thought it was normal to get a present clad in butcher paper, or a grocery bag that had been deconstructed, then artfully taped to try and hide the creases and the "Piggly Wiggly" logo on one side. But I digress....

As I gathered ingredients, my budding gourmet brain took over when I saw the "Dream Whip" box. Oooooh....who doesn't love whipped cream, and wouldn't it be delicious if I could make her icing even more light and fluffy by adding just a skosh? Sure....SOUNDED like a good idea, that is until I began to incorporate the lovely vanilla-scented plaster of paris powder from the envelope into the cream french....it began to take on an odd look and color and promptly lost it's creaminess AND fluff....apparently it was only meant to mix with milk, and was laughing at me through it's iridescent and oddly vomitous texture. I turned the mixer up on high, hoping against hope that it just needed to be beaten FASTER to become delightful, but my hope was dashed when Mom came back, looked in the bowl and said accusingly "What did you DO?". I promptly replied "Nothing!", with the most saintly look I could muster while fervently praying she would not find the Dream Whip packet underneath the other garbage I tried to hide it under and give me 40 lashes with an offset spreader. Our eyes locked, she knew I was lying, I was attempting not to pee my pants, and still breathe.....after a couple seconds, she must have realized that an inquisition and subsequent punishment would mean she wouldn't have time to make a bow for her package out of some scraps of yarn, a couple twist-ties and the plastic ring thingie that holds a 6 pack together, and she said we would have to re-make it. PHEW.

And sometimes, you just can't fiddle with perfection - there are a few that I can't find fault with, that always satisfy my need for perfection and everyone else's need to stuff their face with a truly inspirational masterpiece. Yah, like the Mona Lisa of recipes....lah de freakin dah. The following is just such an offering - I read it in the paper, and thought it sounded good...and it was from a bakery in a place called Sister's that I had never been to....exotic. It's kind of like a cross between a biscuit and a pastry - it's not very sweet even with the icing, but is a nice homey comfort breakfast served warm with a little butter to go with. Not that I would do such a thing...OK, I had to try a little bite with butter tonight, are you happy now?

Marionberry Biscuits

From the Sisters Bakery in Central Oregon - believe it or not, I drove through the town on my first trip to Bend a couple years ago and DID NOT STOP...it was full of tourists and I wanted to see what Bend was all about! OK, next time I will stop and see what else this wondrous place has to offer....if these are any indicator, Handsome Stranger will need to bring a really big shoe horn to get me back into the car.

2 C. bread flour
2 C. cake flour (OK, I confess....I've used all regular flour and they were fine)
1/2 C. sugar, plus extra for berries
1/8 tsp. salt
2 T. baking powder
4 T. butter, cold
2 eggs
1/4 C. water
1 C. buttermilk
3 C. fresh or frozen marion or blackberries
1 C. powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla
2 T. milk

Preheat oven to 350, spray a 9x13 pan with nonstick cooking spray and set aside.

In a medium bowl, mix flour, sugar, salt and baking powder, then cut in butter until crumbly. In a smaller bowl mix eggs, water and buttermilk with a fork until combined, pour into flour mixture and stir with fork just until combined. Turn out on lightly floured board, separate into two equal parts, and roll each part out into approx. a 6x8 rectangle, using flour as needed (the dough will be a little sticky if you don't use enough). Cut each rectangle into 9 to 11 rounds (about 2.5"), re rolling any scraps to get enough. Put half in bottom of the pan, evenly spaced, then put about 1/3 C. berries on each biscuit. Now a decision....if you want it a little sweeter, you can put 1/2 to 1 tsp. additional sugar on top of each berry-covered biscuit....it's up to you. Then put the rest of the biscuits on top of the berries. Bake in 350 degree oven for 30-35 minutes, or until golden brown. Cool slightly, then mix powdered sugar, vanilla and milk until smooth and spoon over warm biscuits.

One note I thought I should mention - the second time I made this I thought "Hmm....I think I'll make these on a cookie sheet so they don't all grow together and they'll get more browned crispy edges." HA. It's a soft dough, and when you do that, they still all grow together, they just end up a lot flatter with burned berry filling in the few holes in between. The point of cramming them in a smaller pan is that they bake UP, not out....live and learn. And Handsome Stranger loves burnt stuff, and joyfully scraped all of it off the pan and ate it with a smug look on his face. Love a man who eats your mistakes and still swears you're a better cook that his momma.....

ps, if you REALLY want to know, I ended up with 11 of these beauties, and they are 9 points plus each....WITHOUT the butter. They're not really all THAT good.....

"Ch ch ch chANGEs"....

Life changes come in many forms. Like when you go to the ER because you have some crazy-ass bout of food poisoning that has lasted for a week, and they tell you that is NOT something you ate, but something that will eventually eat YOU out of house and home, and that saltines and 7-up are the only things you will consume for the next 4 months. Another wake-up call is when your children all finally exceed the legal age of 18, and the day is finally here when you no longer have to worry about them....then your stomach turns into lead the first time one of them does something stupid/scary/BIG and it dawns on you that THAT DAY NEVER COMES. Those drug company commercials where old people are laughing and lying around naked in bathtubs on the beach are a LIE....we're too busy losing sleep over the mistakes our kids are making to frolic with pharmaceuticals in the sand - those people are obviously childless.

My daughter and her family are making a life change at this very moment - I think the steady harassment of family for them to move back to Oregon was not quite enough until the big hairy toe of homesickness stepped on and tipped the scales. SIL is probably heading back overseas for another year-long contract, and because I think this last year is the longest he's been home all at once for quite a while, the thought of being alone again was too much for her. Which is fine by me - if family gets overwhelming, they can get their own place and pretend they're not home when we come knocking, and leave the phone off the hook....I will just be supremely happy that they're closer than a 6+ hour flight to an airport where you fly over what smells like the biggest crap farm in the universe. How can you smell that on a PLANE way up in the air anyway??

This, in turn, will be a big change for us - we have Son #2 at home, but he is pretty self-contained, and only rarely grunts a need for something, like say a tow from the California border (haha, that was SO funny!). Depending on when a job comes through for SIL, we will quite possibly double the size of our household, and STILL we have one bathroom. There is a disturbance in the force, and Darth Stranger is starting to draw up plans for said commode #2 (haha, yes I said it) - even a half bath is better than none, so I am ready to give up part of my luxuriously sized laundry room so I can shower without the fear that someone at any given point will desperately need to come in and make me have to shower all over again.

Please understand, this is not a complaint - I am unbelieveably excited, but keeping it low key in case it somehow doesn't happen...that would be very bad - but just an observation that things are about to change big time for our family as a whole. My kids are all awesome, as are the people they attach themselves to, but are also very independent (see "stubborn", they get that from their father) souls, so we (see me) are all going to need to be flexible. Which means that if someone puts the steak knives in the cheese knife slot, or leaves the cereal bag open so it gets all stale and chewy, I'm going to have to swing with it. Altho eating the last graham cracker and not immediately getting in the car and going to the nearest open store for more could be punishable by death (I don't ask for much, but my GC's are WW crack). And the benefits will FAR outweigh any inconvenience....I have only dreamed of the day when my grandson would be instantly accessible for teasing and rubbing grammy's feet (gross...I am totally kidding), and my daughter back so the balance shifts back to girl power - along with my someday DIL, we are going to RULE!

Change is mostly good, it shakes up our complacency, makes our lives more interesting, and can help you to see what you're really made of. Which brings me to this: a recipe for change. I am working really hard at making things that are good for you but still edible, and when I tweak a terrible (see delicious and full of fat) recipe and actually make it better for you and STILL good-tasting, I feel like I just invented chocolate. OK, maybe not chocolate....but maybe graham crackers. So give this a try and tell me what you think....it got rave reviews here, but our taste buds could have been the first thing to disappear when we started losing weight!

Not-So-Fatty Patty's Killer Noodle Salad

I think the original had more noodles, less veggies, used regular peanut butter and more oil, but this version is far less point-plus intensive and still packs an amazing flavor punch. And load up on even more veggies if you want - you can also sprinkle chopped peanuts on top, but beware...those points add up FAST!

3 oz. fresh soba noodles (they look like fresh ramen, but are not deep fried)
1/4 C. seasoned rice vinegar
2 T. Peanutbetter (that stuff I told you about at Trader Joe's)
1 tsp. sesame oil (this is where a LOT of the flavor comes from...)
2 T. sugar
1 T. soy sauce
1 tsp. red curry paste (uh, yeah...I use maybe 1/4 tsp. so as to not set my hair on fire)
1/2 tsp. salt
2 C. shredded cabbage
1/2 red bell pepper
1 C. sugar snap peas
1 carrot, peeled or a handful of baby carrots
1 rib celery

Cook the soba as per directions - it only takes a couple minutes - drain and rinse with cold water and put in large bowl. In a small bowl, whisk vinegar, peanutbetter, oil, sugar, soy, curry paste and salt to a smooth emulsion, set aside. To prep veggies, wash and cut peppers and carrots into matchstick size pieces, then slice the sugar snap peas crosswise diagonally into 1/4" sections. Toss all veggies with noodles, pour over dressing and mix to coat. Adjust seasoning to taste, and serve cold - SO good and only 7 points plus for the WHOLE batch!

If you want to make this for more than just you, just multiply it per person for a main dish (you could add sliced cooked chicken breast for more protein - 3 oz. will add I think 2 more points), or for every two people if it's a side. You can also get fancy and add some toasted white and black sesame seeds, a tsp. is zero points, so just don't add more than that per serving and you're good to go. And if you don't care about the fat, by all means use regular peanut butter, drizzle in some olive oil and crust the top with crushed peanuts - shoot, you can eliminate the veggies altogether and stop yourself up for a month of Sundays! Just don't come to my house when it finally breaks loose....I still only have one bathroom, and I like the paint to stay on the walls, thank you very much.